Soaking
Dear Will,
It’s no secret that I did not immediately bond to you. I knew I wanted you. I knew you were the most perfect choice for me – specifically designed by The Creator to be mine even before I met you. I knew He knit you together…your splattered freckles, your dark brown eyes, and your strong-willed and sweet personality. I dreamt about you. I yearned for you. And I expected to be able to hold you for the first time and feel an overwhelming and startling love.
Everyone told me that the moment you were born, the moment I held you in my arms, love would hit me. They said that it would be like an instant knowing. A bond of mother to child that would drive me to cherish every moment. A waiting fire that would be lit with a spark of meeting. A wall of “he-is-the-best-thing-ever” that would hit me so hard that life before you would be inconceivable…but that just isn’t our story.
It was months later that I finally knew I really loved you. Months. That’s a long time to wait. But you were worth it. You were my little handful. My ball of mess. You were cholicy and I was on the brink of sanity. My hard headed breastfeeder. My high maintenance boy. The change that you brought to my life was extreme. I wanted you. I wanted you before you were ever conceived…and that comforting feeling helped through the long nights and the painful days. Just like falling for your daddy…it took time. And with you, the waiting was filled with tears and fears and heartache. I wanted to love you. When I fed you, I would stare at you the entire time, waiting patiently for any fleeting second of eye contact or a contented hum to pass your lips. I bathed you hoping for a fleeting interaction that would drive me forward, I changed you – addressing the rash with a sense of humor, I slept everyday with you on my chest breathing in your newness, tormenting myself with the thoughts of the word ‘never’. Could I really be a parent that never falls in love with their own child? Would that love never come? Maybe you would never love me back? Is it me? Maybe I was never meant to be a mother… maybe there was a mistake…. maybe…
No. No…I refused to believe it. I decided that this thing between us…this emotional connection…this vibrant and colorful love – well, it just a bud…a early flower that was waiting to bloom. It was like winter. And the spring and it’s birth of love would come. It just needed time. It needed a little care. and it needed me to learn to wait. So I did. The waiting continued. and continued.
And then…oddly enough…with no loud announcement or incident of notice…it came.
The love.
It grew and grew until it washed over me. Like an ocean of warm maple syrup. sweet and comforting. I was willing to drown myself in you. That love was and is and continues to be so so sweet. You are my baby and I am your mommy. There was no mistake. There was no error or smacking wall. There was just sowing before the harvest. work before the prize. a season of rebirth.
I tell you this to say…sometimes life isn’t what you expect. sometimes you get what you want. or what you think you want. and sometimes you have to wait. and bend. and hold fast. sometimes the absolute best thing ever doesn’t follow your plan. and sometimes you just have to let go.
I am so so thankful for you.
I am thankful for your wet goodnight kisses.
I am thankful for your unending requests of ‘hold you mommy’.
That fire was lit by thousands of dirty diaper changes and millions of sweet baby giggles.
You taught me how to wait…how to lay myself down…how to choose love even when it was hard.
And now I am soaked in it. From head to toe. It’s in my bones and my veins….
You are my sweetest thing. my best. my greatest and everything I ever wanted.
I love you. I love you. I love you my sweet sweet boy.
and now that I have it, I will never let that go. Never.
Katie, you are just the sweetest bacon lovin’ thing ever. Seriously, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Our son was 18 months old when our daughter was born. For months I grieved, I feared not only the unknown, but the feeling that I was ruining life for my son. He was just a baby – how could I be so careless to concieve so quickly, and lose the quality time with him while he was so small?! I did NOT feel that “heart swelling out of your chest” love I did with my first. She was fussy, needy, and always screaming. I resented her for a while (that’s such an awful thing, but it’s the truth). Now at 3.5 years old, she’s still all those things (fussy, needy and ALWAYS screaming) – but I wouldn’t change one THING. When the love I now have for her hit me, it was like a ton of bricks.. You sharing your feelings made me feel the need to share mine. Thank you for being so open. This is why I come back day after day! xo
I never knew that anyone else felt the same way that I did. How I felt that I was “ruining my son’s life” by having a second child, not loving him as much as my first. The months after their births felt like torture. I am so relieved to see that there are others, and that we can shed light on this for new moms. Thank you all for being so honest
You took the words right out of my mouth. I have a 2 month old baby boy… and I’m on this road. Thanks for being real with all your internet “friends”. We appreciate you!
I love your letters, I get so excited when you post a new one. Then I read them to everyone I know.
It’s nice to hear this kind of honesty. I absolutely love my 5 year old daughter- but, honestly, it took awhile. I had the blessing of being able to have her in my 4K classroom this year, and it was so wonderful to have her. The first few months were just awful, but now I look back and see how much closer it brought us. God definetly knew what he was doing! She’s just beautiful!
Holy bacon! You have me in tears over here Ms. Katie. Very beautifully written.
I’ve never commented on your blog before, but being pregnant with my first child, this brought tears to my eyes. This whole process is overwhelming and scary, and it is so comforting to hear your story. I know this road ahead will not be easy, and it’s honest opinions like yours that make it much easier to handle. Thank you.
Ladies, the “You’re Gonna Needs Tissues” warning at the beginning is there. It says “Dear Will,”.
Katie, ditto ditto ditto everything everyone has said. Crying here at my desk and just love you. Oh and that octopus shirt picture is one of my favorites now. Such a little cutie!
Perfect.
Wow! I felt the exact same way with my daughter and never told anyone because I thought I was a freak! The nurses were all like when she comes out you are going to be so in love. They handed me this baby that looked nothing like me (but was still gorgeous) and I was like “Ok I have a baby, I am exhausted!” The nurses thought I was so weird because I asked them to take her to the nursery after a few hours so I could sleep. She was 3 months old when it hit me, and I cried for a good hour straight with how much I loved her. It happened when I was changing her and she looked up and me and giggled. Then when I had my son and felt it, I felt so guilty. I was in a totally different situation with my husband when my son was born and felt totally bonded from him (hubby and I were on the brink of Divorce, still together though!
) I am so blessed to have both of them. I love them more than anything! Thanks for sharing!
This brought tears to my eyes! I had the same feelings with my little boy too…Glad you shared this, I still have my moments of selfishness (does just needing to go to the grocery store alone count?!) but I honestly love my life and so thankful for my son. I pray that every thing goes well with your preparation for your new little boy and trust that God will continue to bless you and your beautiful family!!
Your honesty is such an amazing thing. Just like your ever growing love for Will.
Thank you for posting this–the timing is so opportune for me.
I so very much felt the same way when my son was born. There was no moment of “Oh my God, I love you, my perfect little baby” when I held him for the first time. We had the worst few months learning to breastfeed. I felt like a terrible mother for the longest time because it was all I could do to hold on to sanity while trying to comfort him for hours in the middle of the night. There was a lot of crying on both our parts. But slowly we started to bond. Now I miss him when I have to leave for my job and he greets me with a big smile when I show up at the end of the work day.
Tomorrow he turns one. I can’t get enough of his smile, hugs and kisses. I love when he tries to run across the room to me (we’re still a bit wobbly) and how he lifts his arms for a hug. I love the way he rubs his little belly to let me know he’s hungry and how he lifts his hands and shrugs his shoulders to let me know when he’s full. I love all his little personality quirks and I can’t wait to learn more about him as he grows.
Thank you for posting how fortunate you are because it reminds me to thankful for how much God has given me.
I hope for his sake you delete this post before he is ever old enough to read and understand it. Trust m e on this
With this comment, you singl- handedly just demoralized every woman who bravely spoke up and confessed similar feelings. Does that make you feel better about yourself? Reactions like this are the reason so many of us who struggle in those early days keep silent (and therefore struggle longer and harder) and to ourselves.
There’s hope in knowing you’re not alone. There’s encouragement and freedom in knowing that there are other people who understand you. Would you rather that poor new moms everywhere struggle and suffer alone? I’m fairly certain that kind of darkness, loneliness, and deep rooted sadness is the cause for so many, many tragic incidents that befall babies and toddlers. Alone is not good.
If you spend any time reading this blog at all, you’ll know that Katie and Jeremy are open and honest parents and that they spend their lives loving Will. Loving him with their parenting and loving him to Jesus. If and when Will ever reads this, what he’ll gather is that Katie struggled but did NOT give up on loving him. Did not succumb to her fears and insecurities. Did NOT cease to fight for their relationship. And when he’s a parent one day, he’ll know first hand how hard those early days can be and love her all the more for having a testament to her dedication to him.
Thank you hosanna. And Katie for writing this.
Thank you for taking the time to craft such a wonderful response to such a thoughtless comment. well said!
Perhaps when he is old enough to read this, he will be a young man who values honesty and the depth of the love his mother has for him.
Katie, I know I probably don’t have to tell you this, but listen to Hosanna, Joell and Amber.
Fran’s shortsightedness has no place here, or anywhere.
Much love to you.
This.is.awesome
) It took me months and months to feel this love for my son too. It wasn’t instant and I wasn’t head over heels. It took a long time to get there and I felt like there was so much wrong with me (weren’t moms supposed to instantly love their babies?) But now that we’re there (and he’s 2)…I am over the moon and back for him 
I loved reading this post, it really hit close to home. My little guy is 22 months now and I felt and feel the same way. Love sometimes takes time (it did), but now it’s overflowing.
Wow, beautifully written!! What a special bond you have with your little boy!! He is SO cute;)
LOVE this post. I was told all the same things when pregnant with my son and then after 19 long hours of labor, I remember feeling like I had been hit by a bus, worn out, and holding him wondering when the wave of love was gonna come. I loved him, but it wasn’t this huge rush of emotions. It took a little while, but just like you said, it came and now I’m totally wrapped around his little finger and completely engulfed by love for him. Thanks for your honesty! Love your blog!
After years of praying, talking, and praying some more my husband and I made the decision this morning to start the process of adopting. I worry that I will have a hard time bonding with a child I did not carry. I know that it will come eventually, and I know that this is what I am being called to do, but there is still a little worry about how things will go in the beginning. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your honesty is refreshing and encouraging.
Oh Misty – you know I didn’t say this in the post but I honestly felt like the entire experience proved to me that loving a child doesn’t necessarily come from birthing a child or carrying a child or even because they share your genes…it comes from God…He provides it to you when the time is right. and I will definitely pray for you as you go through your parenthood journey…
xo – kb
So well said, Katie. I didn’t immediately bond with my daughter right after she was born (I think in part this may have been due to her tramatic birth, etc). I don’t know when it happened, but I did bond with her and now I am pregnant with #2. I realize that the experience with the new baby might be the same as with my daughter, and pray that my “expectations” of bonding are a little more real this time. Love your blog and your honesty.
Yes, love is love is love.
Misty,
I had the same fears before my husband and I adopted our baby in January. However, the minute his foster parents laid him in my arms I knew God made him for me and my husband and no one else. it is a level of love I cannot explain. I even forget that he is adopted from time to time eventhough he is of a different race then us. He is precious. I know not everyone’s experience is the same. However, if you go in with an open heart God will find the perfect child for you. I will pray for you tonight. Good luck to you and your husband on your new journey.
Misty,
If you want any down to earth, straight forward, no holding back type of advice. I am glad to share it with you. Just reply to this thread and I will send my email address to you.
I promise you will be blessed. I am the mom of two beautiful little girls. Two little girls that were saved from abortion – their birth moms were in crisis pregnancy. We struggled with fertility. I know the pain. But I PROMISE that you will never be the same after you have a child. I too wondered what you are wondering. And good for you for voicing your thoughts, concerns and fears. It is ok. It is natural. It is healthy. I felt like I was babysitting for the first month or so with our first child. Now, I can’t believe I ever lived without her. My second, well, I share with Katie’s feelings on taking a long time to feel the love. My second was allergic to milk (hello, most formula is milked based) which we didn’t know for 2 months. She was also colicky. Colicky = hell. Plain and simple. Know one can truly understand it until you experience it. BUT with all that pain, my second now is so interwoven in my heart strings that I don’t know what I would do without her. Adoption is amazing. It is hard. It is expensive. It is beautiful. Jesus is adopted – Joseph is his adopted daddy. So that makes it totally cool.
Hugs and Wahoooo!! you are starting an unbelievable journey!!
Heather C.
Portland, OR
Misty – My sister adopted a son (1 1/2)from South Korea 4 months ago. They had been trying for years and she had a miscarriage about 3 years ago. She felt very similar to what Katie wrote about Will. I think she felt quilty for not bonding with him immediately. Everything about him was foreign…from his poops, to his crying and what he needed and when he needed it. She was clueless and he was probably missing his foster mom in Korea. I think my sister and her husband were forcing themselves to try and bond with him and in the beginning I think they might have even regretted their decision. She couldn’t wait to get back to work. It has been 4 months and within the last month, things have really turned around. She stopped trying to force herself to feel a certain way and just enjoy this little boy. The love would eventually come…and it did. She is now a full time stay at home mom.
Good luck!
Thank you. I needed that! Truly!
Can you also tell me where you got that awesome polka dot pillow? Is that the same from your first house?
Yup. It’s actually an old find from Pottery Barn outlet (I believe it was a Pottery Barn teen item).
xo – kb
This a common feeling and is often related to postpartum depression (about 50% of women experience some kind of depression after childbirth). If it lasts longer than a couple weeks you should talk to your doctor. They will not think you are a bad mom, they will give helpful advice and if necessary advise treatment so you can enjoy your baby and your new life!
Thanks for sharing Katie.
I love this post. God bless you. If only my husband and I’s naive 19 year old selves could have read this and felt encouraged! We love him so much now that sometimes we actually think we will eat him. Having just had our second son in May it’s left us with wondering if he’s just easier than our high-maintenance first or if we just know what we’re doing this time. Either way I know my love for my husband is exponentially more as well as my awe of our Father in heaven because geez, if we struggle through loving in this situation how does He love us through all of our sins over and over again?
Just started reading your blog recently, love it! Congrats on your second son! (Boys are the best… coming from a girly-mom)
Okay Miss Bower. I’m sitting here with tears running down my cheeks… So many of your words touched me at my core. Thank you. My husband and I have been trying to start a family for a few years and this was a perfect reminder that sometimes you just have to wait, and it will be worth it. Thank you.
Katie, this is such an amazing post. Can’t wait to experience motherhood one day. I hope one day when Will is old enough he will find this post that you wrote to him. You guys are incredible parents! Will is very lucky to have you both
Honestly Katie…I just love you so much. That sounds so weird, but I feel like we are just so so alike in how we think. I am quite a bit younger, but this is just as relevent to non-parents as well. We all need that reminder to always give everything up to God, and know that his plan is greater than anything we could ever imagine, and that includes countless personal trials that God knows we need to go through. Such an amazing plan he has, it boggles my mind! So thank you so much for being so honest, it really helps me : )
Katie: You left me breathless, and teary…
Misty, it is no different — the loving of a child born in your heart instead of under it. I’ve known this love, and been on the receiving end of it too, for twenty years now… God speed and blessings on your adoption plan!
Katie, thank you. After struggling with infertility and finally being blessed with our sweet baby boy, I didn’t feel that instant love. I mean, I knew I loved him…but it wasn’t the deep-in-my-heart-can’t-explain-it-love that I expected to feel. Breastfeeding issues consumed my thoughts (probably because that’s all you do with a newborn!) and baby blues had me crying at the drop of a hat, and I was just going through the motions. Then, like you said, one day, I was head over heels for my little guy and that love is the best thing I’ve ever experienced. Thanks for once again reminding me that I’m human, normal, and not alone.
Beautiful!
So well written and well said – I could never do that.
I have two little guys – and the only way I can ever think to sum up the way I feel about them is this: Remember when you were about 8 years old and Christmas morning was the best moment ever? That moment when you first saw the gifts under the tree? Being so excited you can’t stand it? That is how I feel every morning when I get to go in and get my little guys out of bed. It is the best feeling ever – and now I get it everyday
So incredibly beautiful. Like everyone has said, this brought tears to my eyes.
Katie, my first (now 26 months) is much like Will. I now call him spirited but as an infant he was just colicky, never slept longer than a two hour stretch until 9 months old, struggled with breastfeeding. I didn’t bond with him until he was 6 months old when one day the wave of love just washed over me. I was so severely sleep deprived I was nearly driven to the brink of insanity, and I think that greatly contributed to my not bonding with him quickly.
I just had my second son (now 5 months) and I bonded almost instantly with him because he’s a great sleeper and chilled out, so I’m functioning on an almost full night’s sleep every night, I’m less stressed, much happier and able to handle the challenges of a baby. He slept a 6 hour stretch in hospital on his first night, and his brother didn’t do that until he was over a year old. I tortured myself reading sleep book after sleep book with my first, if only I had known it wasn’t anything I did wrong, just merely the temperament of the child. With this baby I prepared for the worst, hoped for the best and this second time around has been a breeze. Hope it goes just as well for you!
I love so much that you were honest about this. It took me months too… partially because breastfeeding was torture and partially because I’m not an affectionate person. It started to hit me when she smiled.
” Like an ocean of warm maple syrup.” Perfect words. What a beautiful story..and that photo of him on the bed asleep? Priceless.
This post brought tears to my eyes. I’m a foster mom, on my way to adoption. My son was placed with me when he was 3 months old, and I love him with a love I never knew existed. My daughter is 2 1/2, and she’s growing on me. I long to love her with the strong mother’s love I have for my son, but it hasn’t happened yet. Of course, unlike having a child naturally and growing with them, our situation entails all sorts of other factors and trials, like being thrown into 2 year old tantrums without first experiencing and building on the unique love and tenderness that is shared between a mom and a helpless babe. All of this to say that there are days when I question if I will ever love her with the same love I have for my son, and it scares me. It’s so encouraging to hear that even as a mom who has birthed a child and held that perfect sleeping bundle, the love wasn’t immediate. It gives me hope that if love could grow in your heart, then love will continue to grow in mine…it might just take a little more time. I pray every day that God will place in my heart the love He has for her. I believe He will, I just need to learn to wait on Him.
I tell you this to say…sometimes life isn’t what you expect. sometimes you get what you want. or what you think you want. and sometimes you have to wait. and bend. and hold fast. sometimes the absolute best thing ever doesn’t follow your plan. and sometimes you just have to let go.
THIS–what I needed to hear. Love you, KB.
Your cup is running over! I love it! And although none of us “know” you, I think it’s obvious just how easy you are to love. Your boy is precious– keep soaking it up! Thanks for posting!
Katie I absolutely adore your honesty and courage to say things many feel but never say. My biggest dream in life was to be a mother. The mother of a little girl, actually. And 4 years ago I got it! I had my precious little girl. And as you I thought I would fall completely in love with her the second I held her. And just like you it didn’t happen as fast as I thought. I don’t think it took months for me, but it did take a couple weeks for me to feel at ease and relaxed enough to realize the amazing love I felt for her… And I think the love was always there, but I think I was just too overwhelmed to let myself feel it. I felt terrible about it at first but today I understand my own feelings and the incredible love I feel for my princess now is just so “out of this world” that it makes me not blame myself for those initial feelings anymore. I love her more than I can even understand now, more than I ever thought possible for a human being to feel. I´m so in love with her I don´t know what to do with myself a lot of times… I still look at her every single day and have tears in my eyes. I can´t believe God gave her to ME! Can´t believe how amazing she is. Can´t believe how much love I can feel for that little thing. So I completely understand you, Katie. And I actually think it happens to other moms way more then they admit.
“I tell you this to say…sometimes life isn’t what you expect. sometimes you get what you want. or what you think you want. and sometimes you have to wait. and bend. and hold fast. sometimes the absolute best thing ever doesn’t follow your plan. and sometimes you just have to let go.”
I have been praying for some sign to help me with struggles deep in my heart. These words are exactly what I needed. Thank you for helping me in ways you will never understand. Your courage and insight has greatly affected me. Thank you.
I have not ever commented before but I too, love your blog. and I also didn’t read all the comments before me, so someone may have already said this, but…
Staying the course, being faithful to your child, choosing to love… that is the definition of motherly love. There is no shame in your journey to love, just as there is no shame in a moment of flooding love in the delivery room.
Most importantly you allowed God to grow you through your experience and you are not the same as you were before. What an example for both Will and the little baby! And now you get to share that experience and encourage other mothers. Blessings to you!
and on a side-note, my son Tobias (Toby) was also born in April 2010. I did not have the same journey, I was one of those moms who was head over heels from those first moments. I believe it was divinely designed because my husband was deployed to Afghanistan before his birth and I don’t know how we would have survived otherwise.
Just beautiful, Katie. Will will treasure this letter when he’s older. I wonder if the instantaneous love is a myth, since it seems like it didn’t happen for so many of us (me included!)
You freaking brought tears to my eyes & I just woke up a few minutes ago & am drinking my coffee. Ahhh…. what a lovely post to start my day. Thank you.
This was really interesting to read. As half of a gay couple, we wanted desperately to have a child and, when that finally happened, I think that we had the undying love from even before he was born. So, I guess I’ve always just assumed that that’s how it worked. I find it fascinating to learn about all of these differences we share as parents.
Beautiful. You’re making this mom of 1 little boy with baby 2 on the way tear up big time. How wonderful that Will will have this to read and look back on. What an amazing gift.
You bring tears to my eyes!!! I feel just same the way! You are doing a tremendous job and your BOYS are lucky to have you! Big hugs!!!!!!
**Thanks for saying just what I was thinking but couldn’t put into words!
love your honestly Katie!! I had a similar experience with my precious little girl, and I felt like I was “abnormal” so to speak!! She had the colic and I was a new stay-at-home-mom – I often tell people we both had the colic at that time
The love I feel for her is amazing… I think we love them SO so much, even at birth, it just takes us awhile to see just how much. I am so glad that you share so honestly, it makes us feel more human!
I have heard you reference before the detachment from Will, and I just shrugged it off, assuming I must’ve misinterpreted what you meant. But this was compelling. I personally cannot conceive of what happened to you, I nearly lost my son at 26 weeks and I was in love with him then, but regardless, I hurt for you. I feel so horrible for how you must’ve felt.
This moved me so, I cried, I was grateful for own experience, I prayed about yours, but mostly, the comments (beside the very few meanies) really touched me. These women are amazing, so supportive, and you really made them feel like they’re okay, they’re normal…and most importantly, they’re not alone. Perhaps if more women were honest, and supportive of one another, fewer women would feel isolated and become depressed and despondent. I just thought it was beautiful, I think you’re beautiful, and I know I rarely comment, but I am proud of you, Katie. I don’t imagine this was easy, but I hope it felt good getting it out.
xo, Chrissa
“Perhaps if more women were honest, and supportive of one another, fewer women would feel isolated and become depressed and despondent.”
^this. I also think that perhaps we as women need to let the new mother speak her own story before sharing ours. So many moms (starting with the nurses in the hospital) would start with, “Don’t you just love her so much?” or “I bet you just can’t believe you ever had a life without her!” or “Oh! She’s so sweet! I bet you just fell in love with her instantly!” My good friend had a baby just two weeks before and kept saying, “Isn’t this great? I can’t wait to have another one!”
I definitely suffered from postpartum depression, for months. But I wonder how much worse it was made by hearing, over and over, that I ought to be feeling things I wasn’t. Every time I heard those words, I felt like a horrible mother all over again, and I wondered why God had sent this obviously-adorable child to someone so incapable of being the mother she deserved.
I love these sweet posts! You may be the only truly honest person I know. LOL and I only “internet-know” you!!
BTW. As a photog……that pic of Will in the living room has the world’s best lighting. Any mother would kill to have such a sweet photo of their child!
YOU.ARE.AWESOME. This is an incredible post. Thanks for sharing this and being so honest. Being pregnant, giving birth and bonding with a screaming newborn is HARD. If more people told it like this and painted the picture that sometimes it isn’t perfect maybe you wouldn’t feel so bad when you have these thoughts. The first year with my 3rd was so rough, but now I don’t understand why because I cannot imagine our lives without him. He brings such joy and truly completed our family. Thanks again Katie Bower for your honesty!
I respect this post. The bravery that comes with completely exposing yourself and your relationship with your son. Thanks for sharing! ox
That was my story, too. Ben was a colicky baby, I was so injured from birth that it took me two months to recover, breast feeding was a nightmare, and then ya know… A bladder infection and at THAT point who wouldn’t have some PPD? Hehehe. The physical labor was intense and I didn’t have enough good hormones to get through it. But we did! And within about 6 weeks the love started going strong and each day it gets stronger as I get to know him. I’m so fortunate that I heard stories like these before he came and I knew that sometimes this is how it goes. You’re doing that for someone now- maybe even grown-up Will or his wife- by sharing your story. #2 (a baby girl) is due in a month and I’m hoping it will go easier this time, but if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Loving you and your bloggy sweetness. Thanks for doing what you do the way you do what you do.
Hi Katie!
I kind of have a serious question, maybe better fit for an email. But, here goes…how did you come to love God so much? I crave this. I really didn’t take it seriously and would goof off in church when I was younger. I thought I believed in something else. I never took God or Jesus seriously. And now I totally regret this! My fiance used to be a big believer as well but has fallen off the track and no longer interested in going to Church. We just had a son almost 2 years ago and I want him to grow up in this environment. I want to believe again. I get emotional over it when I feel the need to pray, but then feel like God won’t listen to me because I haven’t believed in so long ;-( Any encouraging words?
Thank you and I hope to hear from you,
Melissa
You know Melissa…this is kinda hard and also incredibly easy to answer. I studied a lot of different religions and worldviews…I know apologetics and how to rationally defend what I believe personally…but what I can’t explain is why we as humans could feel things like pain, shame, passion or joy so easily and deeply but we won’t allow ourselves to really experience God’s love. I think if we really immerse ourselves in how GOOD our Creator is, it would be very natural to go to Him. He just wants you to want Him back. I know God loves you. I know it like I know the sun will rise and my heart will beat. If you loved someone enough to give your child for them…someone that you knew every single thing about…good and bad…someone that you blessed with breath in their lungs, a family to love, an amazing and beautiful world to enjoy…I think He would absolutely love to hear you open your heart to Him. And if that is too hard…if something like shame or regret or pain keeps you from talking to Him…then some healing can come from hearing from Him through reading His truth. Hope this encourages you just a little!
xo – kb
That is so beautiful. And soo right. And so helpful. I love you Katie!