I’m flat out failing.
What with all the transitions here lately, I’m falling behind in every single area of my life – including dental hygiene – and feeling like the world is operating with a clock that is four hours too fast. I wish I was kidding.
First of all – thanks for being such good friends that I can tell you all this stuff.
Secondly – how does anyone get anything done? I mean…seriously. I have zero time now that Jer isn’t home. Jeremy’s job changed in the area of ‘location’ so now he has that two hour commute into and from work each day. Before – when he telecommuted – we went to bed at midnight and I stayed upstairs and blogged from bed till two in my blanket tent. That’s right. I had a 2 am bedtime every night. And it worked. Mostly because Will was still waking up every night at least once between the hours of midnight and 2 with a night terror. Thankfully those screamfits (that will literally make a mother crawl out of her skin – I’m on my 258th skin coat already), well, they stopped. But it was good to have such a late night bedtime because I could go in and calm him down. Well, now Jeremy needs to be in bed and trying his best to be asleep by 10pm….because of his 5:30am alarm. And he can’t do it with the laptop glaring in his face…or under a quilt. And neither of us can fall asleep without the other person…it’s a sickness called marriage.
Jer being gone in the morning means that he can’t wake up with Will and feed him breakfast – giving me an extra hour in the mornings. So instead of waking up at 8 – now I am up at 7. And Jer doesn’t get home till 7 pm. I shouldn’t complain because I know this could be worse…but that means twelve straight hours of toddler-dom. And I don’t like my kid that much…yup…parent of the year…right. here. But it’s true. I love Will…he’s funny and good and everything I would want him to be…but I don’t play the way he wants sometimes…and I don’t have the energy to keep up….and I wanna just pull out my iphone and get a break by hitting up my blog reader…or take a shower…or anything that doesn’t involve Matchbox cars or stacking blocks or balls or jumping. Always with the jumping. I wanna get something done. I wanna go to the grocery store without the chance of a complete meltdown. I wanna take a nap. I wanna be able to walk barefoot in my house without having crumbs or sand or random pebbles from Will’s ‘collection’ stick to my toes.
So basically I am failing as a mom. I lose my patience. I yell. I put him in time-out seven times yesterday. I fed him a lunch of french fries two days ago and dinner today was a hardboiled egg and a burned crescent roll. At Walmart, I went to change his diaper only to realize that I forgot to restock the diaper bag and had to fashion one in the back of the car out of the emergency duct tape and some Chickfila napkins. And even with being with me 24/7, he still only wants Jeremy to kiss his boo-boos.
On top of that – my house is literally a disaster zone. I expect the President to send in the troops any minute just to contain the chaos. Will ate a piece of old banana that was on the kitchen floor because he was hungry and tired of waiting for me to slice cheese for him. And during a post-creek Mommy-Will bath, the little man pushed the jet button before the water was high enough and black disgustingness shot out all over the bathroom and I have yet to clean it up. That was two weeks ago. Yes. Failing.
Oh and the blog…forget about it. I have probably close to thirty posts that are waiting for the photos to be edited, downloaded, uploaded and the text to be written. Not to mention two shoots that are waiting on me, thank-you cards waiting to be written, hundreds of emails just sitting in my inbox and I forgot to do a very important giveaway yesterday. So yeah. Failing.
And wifey stuff? Yeah. Not happening. I procrastinate making dinner until Jeremy comes to me at 9pm and says things like “it’s fine – I love peanut butter and honey.” and then I feel so bad that I have to make him something more edible (also because we are out of peanut butter). I call him as he’s sitting in traffic on the way home, most times I’m in tears, telling him how I’m not cut out for being alone all day…that Pinterest is the devil for making me feel inadequate, and that my sciatica is making my entire rear end numb…and that my pregnant sense of smell is so fierce that I avoided Will for thirty minutes simply because his stenchy diaper was making me gag. Basically complaining to the point that there is nothing that he can say that can make me feel better. And when he tries – I yell at him for not listening. It’s not pretty.
Pray for me. I’m trying. I really am. And I miss Jeremy. It makes me wanna cry. I don’t know how all the other moms do it…but I feel like I’m drowning…and can’t imagine how difficult it will be with a newborn too. I am so so blessed and it’s like I can’t do right by my blessings.
Is it just me? Please tell me it gets easier. Pretty pretty please.
p.s. On the flip side of things – my yard hasn’t ever looked nicer. I get a ton done outside because Will is such an amazing independent player out there…also, I have finally mastered the ‘tone’ which gets Will to obey instantly. It’s the best thing ever. And we started bible craft times in the morning – basically the highlight of my day – but since Will doesn’t like to color longer than ten seconds – it can be challenging…but still – highlight. Also – Jeremy has to shave every single day. Holy porkballs - I could make out with that all day