My sister is just a rock star. She has FOUR kids now and they each are so sweet. Two summers ago, when I announced the birth of my cute little niece I said that they were done in the kid department….and they thought they were….until last spring when my sister announced that she and her husband bought a mini-van. And they were expecting. Honestly they both looked like they were in a state of shock. I won’t ever forget that day. We were sitting around my parents pool and Boots had a beer in his hand and this look on his face. It wasn’t panic or fear….more like a million spokes in his brain were turning at once. I was so excited for them and said immediately OH I HOPE IT’s A GIRL! My dad was chuckling about the number of kids his girls were having and shaking his head like he always does. My mom was squealing and we all laughed about how the mini-van will really come in handy.
Two days later my sister and I were getting pedicures and I asked her how she was feeling. She just looked down and muttered “I lost it.” Everything turned into slow motion and I couldn’t grasp enough breathe to find substance for words.
All I could say was “Oh Lori.” and my eyes welled up.
My heart still beats harder and the tears can’t be stopped just thinking about that day. She told me about how the announcement was super early and it could have been a false positive test and how sometimes the pregnancy isn’t viable for one reason or another and all that….but really I think we both knew that in that moment…it didn’t take away the space in her heart for that baby. Miscarriage surrounds us as women. I’ve had close friends go through it – the wanting, the excitement, the preparations, the loss, the funerals, the years – and it never hit as close to home as seeing the look in my sister’s eyes. I just wanted to crawl under a blanket and cry with her.
Even if your baby has no name, no pictures and no information….if our Creator called your baby home early….you are still enough. you are that baby’s mommy and always will be. you might go through enough emotions for a lifetime….some that might even scare you or may make you feel guilty….but just know that it’s okay to feel WHATEVER. It’s your process. It’s your loss. And that sometimes in that loss – there can be hope. there can be love. there can even be life. I am truly thankful for a God that never planned for death. Death wasn’t from Him. God is all about life….and for us to have it abundantly. I truly believe that.
I know I am getting preachy….forgive me….I do not know all the right words for dealing with miscarriage and death and even how to encourage anyone out there in the midst of their own tragedy. I don’t really know how to transition this story from my sister’s loss to getting pregnant again. But it happened. She still has that spot in her heart for her spring baby – I don’t think that will ever go away. But later that summer, she found out there was another little bundle of joy on the way. That little one arrived this past month and he is glorious.
I was so excited to be able to see her give birth to this last little one. (yes, I am firmly announcing it this time but keep in mind – miracles do happen!) I missed her last two….sometimes by as close as ten minutes…so this was really special to be able to be with her in her first and last. They called me on the way to the hospital and I grabbed my camera to capture what is my first-ever-birthing-photoshoot. I didn’t ask her permission to share those photos so those will probably never make an appearance here on the blog but know that she is basically the most beautiful birth-er that ever was. On July 8th 2016, Levi Cruse Dysart joined our little family on the outside. He was over 9 pounds and my sister’s biggest baby yet and he is literally ALL BOY. He has Boot’s eyes and Nornie’s lips and the softest downy skin that ever existed. I wish there was blog-o-smell-ivision because he is one of those babies that you just want to cuddle up under your neck for hours.
Sweet Levi – I love you and your squishy double chin that you push out and your long little fingers that somehow you wiggle up to your mouth. I love your squeaks and your cuddle squirms. I love everything about you. And I am so thankful for you. My boys will have so much fun with you. We love you sweet child and are ready to spoil you rotten! Love – your Aunt Katie and all the Bower boys
(cole was gone that day when we did the pictures but I promise I will get a good one of all of the kiddos soon!)