Last year was a rough year for me. This is THAT post. I’m putting it all out there y’all. This probably will be the least attractive thing ever. You may want to not read this because it may destroy what you think I am or who I am. But the truth is….I do not have it all together. Far from it. And honestly, it makes me feel like a con artist when y’all send me those sweet messages saying that you think I have it all together….that I am #goals when it comes to being a mom….or whatever. It makes my day…it makes me blush and so happy but it couldn’t be farther from the truth. The reality is….I feel like I’m falling apart.
So let me start telling you some honest things…some superficial, some a little deeper. Most of 2016 was really fun for me….I was buying new clothes….things that weren’t maternity and I was excited to dress a body that was different but still reasonably good. And then I got pregnant…yes, on purpose so I shouldn’t complain because I wanted it and I was so blessed to have another beautiful healthy baby…but it wasn’t all peaches and cream. More like potatoes and ice cream. For the first time I had daily nausea with a pregnancy….I was sick a lot and my comfort was food….which made me even more nauseas….desiring even more comfort from a hot plate of french fries and donuts and basically anything I could stuff in my face. I gained more with that last pregnancy than with any of the ones before. A lot more.
And Jeremy – my sweet and hardworking Jeremy – he would recognize that I was so wiped and gross from being sick and he would give me every opportunity to sleep. I totally took advantage of that generosity….he took over all the morning duties and it allowed me so much more sleep….to the point of just being lazy. Our days looked like this….I missed their morning routine (me sleeping), then we would eat lunch together (me eating) and they would take a nap (and sometimes me too….more sleeping) and then I would work (the whole time struggling with not being able to spend time with them) and when they woke up or got home from school, I would get nauseas and make dinner and let Jeremy handle the rest while I went and laid down….or ate something. My stomach would settle right around 10:30pm and that is when I blogged. and ate. again. Till crashing around 3 am.
It was a vicious cycle. I had so much mom guilt. I wasn’t able to spend as much time with the boys as I had in the past….I just felt like all I did was sleep and eat and feel sick. And that guilt was overwhelming. I could feel the depression creeping in. I lost count of how many times I fought with Jeremy about feeling like everything was out of control.
And in those situations….when things feel out of control….I tend to cut everything else out….I tend to shut everyone else out. I “hermit down”. And this is not a joke y’all….I literally try to escape life/emotional/physical problems by shutting down everything. I shut down my social life, my productivity, my schedule….I hunker down inside my house and become a hermit. Like I can go a solid three weeks and not talk to anyone outside the house or leave…not even to go outside if I think that it will help. It never does. It is like this really unhealthy escapism. And I need that to stop.
So fast forward to December of this year….and I had the baby and I am trying to figure out the whole ‘healing’ thing while simultaneously trying to let the hormones balance out….and I realize….we are hurting. That ache…the one on the inside….the one in my brain…I feel myself going back to the “hermit down” idea. But I know I shouldn’t….and then we all get sick. Like for the last three weeks I have been ridiculously sick. And my kids are just passing it around amongst themselves. I, of course, worry about every little cough, every little nap interrupted and every booger color that comes out of their precious little heads.
All that to say – we aren’t out of the woods yet. BUT I do recognize the need for some changes in my life. I am very good with goals….I like having them. They keep me from entering back into that mindset of ‘eliminate it all’. Because I know that if it’s a goal, then it’s important to me….and something I shouldn’t try to escape from. So that is why I am sharing this….to say, hey….I am far from #goals…..I am a hot mess express….but I’m ok with that. I realize that I need some growth, some maturity in some areas, some healthy goals to keep me going. I’m not trying to be perfect…I’m just working on taking some steps toward being the best version of me. So let me share the ones that I am able to measure…the ones I am able to act on….here are the resolutions that I think will make 2018 a year of improvement.
Whoever said that having girl babies steals your beauty was not kidding. My skin right now is like the side of Stone Mountain….it’s growing stuff where it shouldn’t be, it’s dry and chapped and craters are everywhere. I have blemishes that aren’t natural and well, THANK GOD for filters on Instagram! The wrinkles under my eyes and my eye trough area in general is looking crazy bad and every time I try to find a good moisturizer, someone tells me that it’s awful for me and I end up doing nothing. Right now I am dehydrated from being sick and from nursing….and I lather coconut oil on constantly. But I want this year to be the year I will try to figure this skin out! Who knows?! Maybe I’ll even spring for a facial! Anything is a possibility!
One of the reasons I was depressed this past year was because I realized that I didn’t ever hone my creativity. I know this sounds weird coming from someone that literally has a job doing creative things…..but it’s so different when you do it for work. Creativity is a very organic thing for me….one that just FLOWS. When I blog about a project, I have to plan out the materials, take pictures after and before and during each step, stage out the final product….it is very produced. And I realized that by doing that….I was literally being a block to myself….to that creative process. That is why each month this year I want to hone some creative skills….whether it be painting, or sewing or cooking or photography….I want to do something intentionally without the idea of stopping throughout the process but just letting it flow and seeing where I end up!
Guys….I have fifty to lose. Let’s just put that out there. I had trouble this time being pregnant and even sitting in a lawn chair. I mean…that’s just sad. I know some of you may have noticed but some not. It’s because I get to curate what you see….so I only posted the most flattering photos. But the fact is….I am not naturally a curvy girl. I naturally have a size 6-8 frame with some muscles…I just don’t have the bones and joints to support a 12-14 size weight. I only put twenty because I want to do it slow and carefully. I don’t want to mess with my milk supply and I have one torn ACL and some hip/back problems. But even with those little issues….I haven’t been doing what I know I should to take care of myself. I know that my diet needs to be completely reworked. I also know that I need to be more active. I’m ready to do it in a very conservative approach. Jeremy and I talked about our options and how we can make this a priority. I’m not gonna blog about this….but just know that it is happening.
Jeremy and I always joke that when you have 1 kid, everyone asks you when you are gonna have another….because one is never enough….obviously. When you have 2, everyone expects you to be done. You did it. You arrived. At 3 kids, everyone extends a little forgiveness….kinda like oh yeah, we had that one sneak in there too. wink wink. At four kids, they pity you….they offer their condolences….they even ask why. But at five kids….they avoid you completely. You are the plague. You are obviously those crazy people that make terrible choices. And we understand. We get it. We no longer fit at the table at most restaurants. We can’t really do playdates because the schedule is all over the place. We require a whole lot of baby-proofing, someone is always crying and there is a lot….A LOT of messiness. And that is very uncomfortable for most people.
At the far out chance we did get invited to something, and the even SLIMMER chance that we attended, it usually ended up being a terrible experience. In response, we have pretty much cut out being social. We didn’t want to inconvenience anyone else. We didn’t want to feel rejected because of who we were. And when we were included, we hated exerting all that energy and feeling like it was a complete fail. BUT we realized that cutting it out completely wasn’t healthy for us or the kids either. So this year we are trying hard. We are trying to just put ourselves out there. Because that quote….the one that says if there is a chance that something could bring you happiness, then you should do it….that one….we are doing that.
Being a home blogger in a world where everyone and their sister is a home blogger is intimidating. Yes, even for someone that has done it for ten years. I have this mentality that I have no place in sharing something because I am not a pro. And it’s true….I don’t have any expertise. I don’t even really have a set ‘style’. I don’t have any authority. None of my rooms have never been a big feature in a magazine and I have never been asked to design anything. And in the past couple of years I have noticed that my posts – the ones that I would share – they have been stalling me out because my perfectionism says “don’t”. My desire for perfectly curated spaces….ones that are done, or even just CLEAN….it has been stalling my ability to share. WELL NO MORE. Prepare your eyes guys…..you might want to invest in some blinders….because I am prepared to share my house with you even though it totally looks like a tornado went through. It’s not perfect. It’s really REALLY far from it. But I don’t feel like hiding that mess is doing anyone any favors. Especially me.
Last but not least is my final resolution of getting help. I need help. I need to find a couple (err….half dozen?) babysitters. I need to find an assistant that can help me do some back end organization on the blog. I need to find a wet nurse. Just kidding on that last one. I might even need to find a person that can help me do stupid stuff….like clean out my Monica closet. And put away Christmas decorations. And force me to get a hair cut….because dude…it’s been over a year and the locks are not rocking. All the things that I stink at….I need help at. And I need someone to teach me to delegate. So that I can actually delegate.
So there you have it. Me in a nutshell. All the things that I am resolved to improve this year….the things that I am working on hard in 2018. Not sure if I will be able to do it….ya know…turn off the hermit tendencies but I’m wanting to try. Not comfortable asking for help….but I know it will…ahem…help. And I’m definitely lost when it comes to skin care….I know face washing helps….but I gotta start somewhere.