I haven’t had any morning sickness yet.  Or afternoon sickness.  Or night sickness. 

Well, that’s only partially true.

Nothing is passing up the esophagus…if you get my drift (pun intended). 

That’s right.   It’s a disgusting pregnancy topic but someone has got to say it…the poots. 

My poots are literally deadly stealth bombers.  I can drop one in total silence and a moment later, I pass out cold. It’s chemical warfare.  I saw Jeremy writhing on the floor the other day…shaking like a epileptic seizure had taken hold.  His eyes rolled back into his head and there was definitely frothing of the mouth.  I almost asked what was wrong, but then I realized.  The poot had gotten trapped under my blanket, and when I went to go get a glass of sweet tea, I inadvertantly had tazzed my boyfriend with the wafting stench. 

I see it as a power.  It’s threatening to all.  And it can be used against my worst enemy…such as the rude person who I held the elevator for yet they failed to say thank you (hey, I know when to start holding my breath), or the cable guy who took three weeks to come fix our DVR (he should have never left his van unlocked) or even that lady who grabbed that last box of future-telling fruit-rollups even though she saw me reaching for them.  I know she regretted leaving her purse gaping open as I placed a special present inside 🙂  I even considered emailing the government to see if they needed a new weapon for special ops.  I would have terrorists begging for mercy.  Just call me Double No Smellin 🙂

And for those of you thinking that my problem is just air drifting by some kids that needed dropped off at the pool.  You are wrong.  That kinda smell can only be enhanced by passing by something fierce.  But it isn’t the cause. Pregnancy poots are actually the aftermath of the emotional havok that is going on inside the body.  So when your husband starts complaining about the stress of work or life, just remind him that it could be worse.  Afterall, your stress makes you smelly, you’re deathly afraid of poots with lumps in them and you are no longer safe around open flames…. 

I betcha he’ll quiet down after that.  And if he doesn’t.  Well, just lay a stinky one on him while he sleeps.  An open-mouth earns ya extra points.