I have a secret.

On the Tuesday morning of September 11th in 2001, I was studying in my college dorm for a quiz about a book I was supposed to be reading.  (that isn’t the secret)

A girl who lived on my hall ran in and told me that a plane had hit the World Trade Center.

“What’s the World Trade Center?” I asked.

I thought that maybe it was kind of like a mall.

Where trading took place.

An international mall of traders.  Sortof like Trader Joes…maybe.

I didn’t know.

I didn’t really know why people were crying either.  Some people in my dorm lobby were watching a tv….some were over in the corner crying.  I glanced over at the screen without any knowledge of what was going on….Why the heck were these girls bawling over a collapsed building?!?!  I know…I was just a ball of compassion.  So full of mercy.  and intelligence.  Somehow I totally missed the fact that people were still inside the Twin Towers.

I didn’t get it.

I didn’t comprehend the loss.

I didn’t understand the enormity of that tragedy until one year later.

I’m a slow learner, I guess.  Also it didn’t help that I didn’t have my parents or an adult around to ask questions or time to watch a tv with cable.

On September 11, 2002, I was at my parents house and saw the reunion of the women who were pregnant while their husbands perished inside the collapsed buildings.  It was only the widows.  And they were holding the babies that never met their daddies.

The camera scanned the sea of women swaying back and forth as they comforted their children.  It looked like an entire country of bodies.  And that is when I finally realized what had happened.  I cried.  The very thought of their loss had my upper lip getting hot and my chin quivering.  I broke down at the magnitude of heartbreak in a single space.  It was overwhelming.

So that is my dirty little 9/11 secret.  That’s what I was doing.  That’s how long it took me to realize the reality of our world.  That is why I pray for those babies everytime I go to the mall.

What were you doing when you heard about the attacks?  And for goodness sake, please somebody tell me that you didn’t know what they did at the World Trade Center either.  I feel like such a moron sometimes.

Today I will be making this snack to give to my local hotties.  I hope that they eat moron food.