Dear Geico,

I am holding your mascot hostage.

Do not attempt to locate me or else the little guy gets it.
And by ‘it’ I mean ‘a pebble tied around his neck’.

My sole ransom request is that you lower the rates of Jeremy & Katie Bower (who are complete strangers to me). I have never met them in my entire life.
But I hear that they have ridiculously high rates.

Also, please fire the Cavemen and the Kash.
I don’t understand how the prehistoric men make people want to purchase car insurance. The correlation is ridiculous. You should fire the moron who came up with the advertisement.  The commercials are only interesting when they include a hot girl with a nice rack eating some kinda greasy fast food. Stick to that formula and you will be fine.  Maybe even make the hot girl gecko-like. 

Another thing: a pair of googly eyes on a stack of money is a stupid concept. Why are the people just staring at the money? Are they living in a country that isn’t in recession? Why don’t they just snatch that money up and rip the eyes off Mike Tyson style? Do you know how much bacon a stack of cash could buy? Yeah. That’s right.  Somebody’s watching me….as I eat the local Piggly Wiggly clean outta pork.

In real life, the Gecko would roundhouse kick the Cavemen and Kash. He is english afterall.   

Sincerely – KB (let me repeat – this is not Katie Bower…because that would be moronic especially since you have all my information including but not limited to my social security number, my banking info, my blood type and my vimeo password as well as my husband’s fingerprints in the photos above).