Chapter 8 – Nerve Gas
I haven’t had any morning sickness yet. Or afternoon sickness. Or night sickness.
Well, that’s only partially true.
Nothing is passing up the esophagus…if you get my drift (pun intended).
That’s right. It’s a disgusting pregnancy topic but someone has got to say it…the poots.
My poots are literally deadly stealth bombers. I can drop one in total silence and a moment later, I pass out cold. It’s chemical warfare. I saw Jeremy writhing on the floor the other day…shaking like a epileptic seizure had taken hold. His eyes rolled back into his head and there was definitely frothing of the mouth. I almost asked what was wrong, but then I realized. The poot had gotten trapped under my blanket, and when I went to go get a glass of sweet tea, I inadvertantly had tazzed my boyfriend with the wafting stench.
I see it as a power. It’s threatening to all. And it can be used against my worst enemy…such as the rude person who I held the elevator for yet they failed to say thank you (hey, I know when to start holding my breath), or the cable guy who took three weeks to come fix our DVR (he should have never left his van unlocked) or even that lady who grabbed that last box of future-telling fruit-rollups even though she saw me reaching for them. I know she regretted leaving her purse gaping open as I placed a special present inside 
I even considered emailing the government to see if they needed a new weapon for special ops. I would have terrorists begging for mercy. Just call me Double No Smellin
And for those of you thinking that my problem is just air drifting by some kids that needed dropped off at the pool. You are wrong. That kinda smell can only be enhanced by passing by something fierce. But it isn’t the cause. Pregnancy poots are actually the aftermath of the emotional havok that is going on inside the body. So when your husband starts complaining about the stress of work or life, just remind him that it could be worse. Afterall, your stress makes you smelly, you’re deathly afraid of poots with lumps in them and you are no longer safe around open flames….
I betcha he’ll quiet down after that. And if he doesn’t. Well, just lay a stinky one on him while he sleeps. An open-mouth earns ya extra points.
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LOL and EW at the same time! You should put all your chapters together and write an informative yet hilarious book on pregnancy. Give it a try, you already did the hard work (writing) – just put together and bring it to a publisher. I’m sure many of your readers will purchase a copy. I know I would…
Well, now I know what I have to look forward to with pregnancy. Hilarious! (Reminds me of these stinkers: http://tearinguphouses.blogspot.com/2009/10/puppy-farts-that-drove-us-together.html )
Love reading your bean stories…
Kelly
This is hilarious! I had the same issue but thought I had some weird chemical imbalance or something…
I congratulate you on your bravery! Not all would admit this fun fact of baby-growing!
Katie! Katie! Katie! You crack me up! And I thought I was the only one that used the phase of dropping the kids off at the pool.
Thanks alot Katie, this post had me crying at work again, because I was laughing so hard! Too funny girl, you are hilarious!! My sister is also expecting and whew, I’ve learned don’t make her mad or else!!!!
OMG you are too funny and brave for posting this!
Haha! I can so relate! I’m 17 weeks and having the same issue. I “accidentally” dutch-ovened my hubby last night. I think he may have passed out, but at least we were already in bed!
oh lord…i am sure people wonder who i am laughing at and why, when they walk past my B E A utiful cube everyday when I read your blog. You once again have me crying, so thank you, and the best of luck to your boyfriend! thank gosh I am in MN and to Hotlanta!
Hilarious! I needed a good laugh this morning. Thanks!
YES YES YES!!!! Apart from constant nausea+vomiting, exhaustion and general crabiness, the poots were the most horrific. I was extremely glad that at work, most of my patients were incoherent or sedated….you better believe I would run into there rooms at every available opportunity to unleash the beast! Enjoy my friend….enjoy and use the power wisely.
You are a hero to all pregnant women for admitting this.
Oh gosh…this had me laughing so hard out loud. All I can say is- I’m sorry for your issue
Not every woman has the type of charm needed to get away with comentary like this. Nicely done, Katie. But I’m SO thankful that this was NOT something I experienced when I was pregnant … and once I read this entry to my husband, he’ll know we dodged a stinky bullet.
Katie…have you read Belly Laughs by Jenny McCarthy, after reading all your dino updates you sound just like her. Not afraid to tell the ugly truth about pregnancy while laughing at yourself. “A pregnant woman’s fart can truly bring a man to his knees.” I have never been prego and was LMAO reading her book with my sister during her pregnancy with her first bambino. Baby Laughs is her 2nd book, you should read it HILARIOUS
OMG you are hysterical! So funny and so gross. What we women go through to create life…
EWWWWW!!!! I think my husband is pregnant too because his gas is very deadly!
I had the same problem when I was pregnant and, I hate to tell you this, it didn’t go away after. It only worsened in that not only do my f-words stink to high heaven, but my little girl’s do too. I wonder if your kidlet will have the same problem?!
You are hilarious! I hope you’re keeping this for the baby to read one day.
hm, didn’t have this problem. The occassional tossing my cookies problem, yes. Maybe one is in exchange of hte other.
Oh and regarding Belly Laughs by the nasty McCarthy, please write your own book about the no holds barred version of pregnancy, b/c while I wanted to learn the truth from her experiences, I couldn’t stomach her crass language. You would present a far more classy version.
Here’s something to look forward to: when you’re pregnant with baby #2, you still have the same gas problem but it’s harder to hold them in since things are a little more “loosened up” down there. Know what I mean? Just a little bonus for your day.
Katie, you’ll be happy to know that one day you will pass on your “smelly superpower” to your little one
Yes, baby poots are far far more potent than momma-to-be poots. And the size of the poot is not relative to the size of the baby, lol! Great post.
You must be having a boy. I think you would be much sicker (the anti-gravity way) if you were having a girl.
I just about died reading the comment from mother of 2…so true. All I have to say is do your kegels.every.da*n.day. Couple times a day if you can!!! Otherwise you will be peeing yourself like a 2 year old learning to potty train
LOL Too gross! I didn’t have probs like yours with my 2 pregnancies, but I puked every single day of my first pregnancy. My second child was much nicer to me, and I only threw up for the first 8 1/2 months. Just wait until you get around the 6 month mark, when any time you sneeze, cough, or laugh too hard runs the risk of soaking your panties. It’s good to keep a spare set in your purse – just in case you’re caught off guard and don’t remember to tighten and squeeze!
haha oh my gosh you are hilarious!
Oh, holy heck. I am crying (literally) because I am laughing so hard!
This made me laugh so hard I almost pooted myself! I’ve just started reading your blog regularly (referred from YHL) because I love your baby posts. The hubs and I are contemplating procreation, well I’m contemplating, he’s ready when I am, but I’m literally scared to death of all the pregnancy symptoms (especially the possibility of puking every day…YAK..i mean YUCK!). Your blog is hysterical and it is nice to read a real honest portrayal. Keep on pooting and blogging!
Just found your blog today and have been reading. Like you, I never had any morning sickness, but after 32 and 27 years my husband and I still remember, the “other” issue you so delicately describe.
so i’m just now going back through your pregnancy-to-date blog entries and i’m loving every bit. even the parts that make me tear up (i’m a crybaby too!). thank you for bearing all (figuratively) because your strength, or search for it, has given me some. maybe getting pregnant won’t be so bad, as long as i have something close to your sense of humor! thanks again, keep it up!
I just cried laughing reading this post. I’m 6 weeks preggo and just saw the baby and heartbeat today for the first time (thank goodness I read your molestation via techie post first)
Now I’m going through all your old baby blogs. I love them! And I’m going to let my husband read this post so he realizes it’s not just me that has this particular issue! Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone!
Katie, you might be my pregnancy soul mate! Lol
Everyone keeps saying to me “oh how lucky you are! Not a bit of morning sickness?!” I always reply (13 weeks later) “it’s coming out of places you don’t want to know about or be around for!” You talk about peel the paint off the wall!! “I wouldn’t lift that blanket if I were you” is the kind of pillow talk in my bedroom these days! 
So enjoy reading your blog, just started today, officially addicted!