News

I don’t know if anyone noticed lately but I’ve been more absent than normal.

Like face-down-in-the-rug kinda absent.

I don’t know how to go about explaining my brain right now…so I’ll just come out with one big thing in my head….

I’m pregnant.

And in complete and utter shock.

On one hand (let’s call this the dominant hand)….I am completely thrilled.  Happy beyond words and so so excited that I get to see our family take on this new step in our journey.  Both Jeremy and I decided that we would start trying immediately after having Weston and hopefully we would see that special line on the pregnancy test before the year was up.  So yes…this is definitely a planned thing.

But as planned as it was…it was not really expected.  Hence the shock.  In my heart I fully anticipated not even being able to get pregnant while still nursing.  My doctor told me that a period doesn’t necessarily mean ovulation…so to never start ‘counting months’ if I am still breastfeeding full time…basically he told me to not freak out over fertility issues until I know all the facts about my own body.  So in true ‘use-history-as-a-guide’ fashion, I pulled up my boot straps and fully expected another two years of trying.  Afterall…it took longer than two years to get my little Weston’s buns in the proverbial oven.  I always say hope for the best but expect the worst…and that is truly what I was doing.  I didn’t expect any other little sweet babes in my life.

And as happy and overjoyed and blessed as I feel…I still can’t help but ache for my friends…both in real life and online that I have been praying for.  The ones I lift up each day asking that God fill that desire in their hearts.  The ones that have been waiting for their own little ‘lines’.  Or for the news that they will be cleared for adoption.  Or whatever news that it is that will make them parents or give their children siblings.  I am so happy for me…I am.  Mostly because this is what we want for our family but I want so badly to be happy for all my friends too.  I want to share this celebration…but part of me holds back because I know that painful sting of “the wait”.  I hate that sting.  And I hate that wait.

So in the past two weeks, I’ve checked out.  Both physically and emotionally.  I am so freaking tired.  I literally am not able to keep my eyes open during normal wakeful hours.  I feel like I got hit by a parade of trucks full of bricks and then I pass out wherever my head falls.  And it hits really fast….like I was an endangered species hit by a tranquilizer dart.  I. go. down.   I’m trying to truck on with everything…literally doing the very best of what I can do….whether that be a lame post or edit three photos or whatever I can squeeze in while the eyelids are still up.  And that seems to add to my plate – my full plate of what feels like failing.  On top of the physical stuff,  I am so emotionally exhausted.  I’m confused, it’s like I needed this time just to gather my own thoughts….to sort through the emotions and to identify what is true and what is insecurities and lies and hormones.  I had to tell several very dear friends that I was pregnant…people that I cried with….because I know their own heart and they know mine and it just hurts.

I know that this news might hurt some folks out there.  I realize that and I want you to know that I understand and that I am hurting for you and I am so sorry if I was any source of anguish for you.  I truly feel like because I went through that, I understand that burn.  I am so hypersensitive to it now.  And if you want to punch me….I get it.  I do.

And on the other hand…this precious gift….this son or daughter….this beloved one still forming inside me….I am just as excited…just as overwhelmed with feelings of pure blessedness…just as eager to hold and meet them as I was with Will and Weston.  And I am so thankful that I have friends like you who give me the time and space I need to really process everything.  And that you accept me with open arms when I come slowly crawling back…exhausted and worn thin.  I am so thankful that you gave me this bit of time just to snuggle my boys a little more and dream about our future family.  A time that is filled with so many polar opposite emotions.  This thing called motherhood is quite the ride….one where I am still learning.  It’s these moments where I land face down in my rug and cry tears of gratefulness and tears of hurt for others all at the same time.

So thank you.  thank you for everything.

Comments

  1. says

    Hi Katie – First of all Congratulations! I just wanted to let you know that my youngest daughter (she will be 31 next month) is expecting her second child in December – her first child will be 18 months old when the little one comes. She and her husband tried for over five years to have a baby before they were blessed with baby #1, so to say they were surprised, shocked, and so overcome with happiness when they found out about this new little one is an understatement! I keep my sweet grand baby – and will keep #2 also – so I was a little hesitate about having another baby so close together, but after a little time to “wrap my head” around it – I’m thrilled. Please allow me to tell you what I told my daughter – just take a deep breath and everything will work itself out. Once again Congratulations and I can’t wait to read all the updates!
    Hugs-
    Carol

  2. Maria says

    As I read some of these comments, it reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

    “To draw an analogy: a man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the “size” of human suffering is absolutely relative.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

    Whether someone struggles with infertility for a year, 22 months, or a decade, they have suffered, and to me, it seems really pointless to argue about who has experienced the most pain, or what constitutes “true” infertility. From my perspective, Katie is mourning with those who mourn, and doing her best to be sensitive to others. I think it would serve us all well to be understanding of the fact that it is not easy to share news like this with a huge audience of strangers, knowing full well I am sure that some people are looking for a reason to criticize.

    Congratulations Katie – I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy!

    XO,
    Maria

  3. says

    Congrats to you.

    As a mom to two who would have loved to have filled a home with 3 or 4 I appreciate the nod to those who fertility hasn’t gone as planned. Sometimes when I tell people “congrats!” there’s a little tension around my eyes, it’s subtle but my friends notice. And I hate it, because I really am grateful that someone gets to have these beautiful adorable children.

    I can’t wait to see this new one and to enjoy them through your fantastic photos and stories. True congrats to you, and thank you for sharing your life with readers again and again. Seeing happy, loved children makes my own heartache a little easier. (It’s the moms screaming at the littles in Walmart that breaks my heart.)

  4. Avia says

    Hi Katie,
    I’ve read your blog for a few years but have never posted. Some of the first comments to this post have brought me out of lurk-dom. I suffered infertility for 14 years and I have to admit that when someone claims to know how I feel after a short period of their own struggle my first reaction is frustration because there is NO way they can know my pain. But the truth is that everyone’s pain and struggle is real and it is not a competition! I have always been grateful to people like you who recognize that their joy may cause others pain. It is way better than those who ignore the pain all together. Saying all that I now have a beautiful 8 month old daughter and I felt the (dare I say) same joy/guilt on my first Mother’s day that you described. That’s life and that’s honest.

  5. Kelly C. says

    Congrats Katie. I think your news is just beautiful! My third has been such a joy to our family and finished our perfect little family.

    It took me TEN years to have my first and now I am a 40 year old mom to an 8 year old, 6 year old and 2 year old. I remember the sting every single time someone told me they were pregnant but I was always so happy for them. I also remember being on the other side of that coin. If we were not loving and caring humans, we wouldn’t feel that on either side so it’s not a bad thing!

    Good luck!

  6. Ann says

    Congrats! Only God knows why you are going to be a mother again when others you love patiently wait. Enjoy this time instead of feeling guilty. Smile! And sleep.

    We have three boys. Two are the same age for one week. We didn’t plan either. One is in medical school and the other studying hard for his dental examinations.

    And by the way, I was so exhausted between the two, I literally fell asleep on the couch and didn’t move for hours while the “doctor” played by himself. They survived so will your children.

    God bless.

  7. Jessica says

    CONGRATS!!!! I’m so excited for you. Your boys are adorable and I can’t wait to see the new addition join your crew. Love you blog!

  8. Jenn says

    Congratulations! I had to check the date on the post for a second. I thought I had skipped back several pages! You’re obviously such a kind person to think of others at this time. This sounds like a jerk thing for me to say but don’t feel guilty for your blessings. Now I have to anxiously await a video announcement of the gender!

  9. says

    Congratulations Katie!!! Such wonderful news. I am living with my baby fever vicariously through you :) Yayy babies!! Crossing my fingers for a Bower baby girl!!!

  10. Stephanie says

    Katie – I’m one struggling with infertility and about to start IVF this fall. I appreciate what you tried to do with this post, but something about it rubbed me very wrong. It’s something I’ve seen a lot of in my struggles to get pregnant and it’s something I’m afraid you might have done. I’m hoping you can clarify.

    You say in this post you’ve tried over two years. Yet according to your posts:
    http://www.bowerpowerblog.com/2012/01/a-whole-lotta-cranky/ and
    http://www.bowerpowerblog.com/2012/03/a-very-sappy-video/

    it actually looks like it was a little over one year.

    I’ve debated writing this post because I don’t want to sound like a “bitter infertile” but this is something that has just rubbed me wrong since I’ve first read the news. I know some people exaggerate their TTC timeline and hope that’s not the case.

    Regardless, love your blog, love what you’re doing and wish you all the very best.

    • says

      I encourage you to read the other comments. I fully explained the situation. We never prevented getting pregnant after Will…because I was under the illusion that breastfeeding would allow me to not ovulate (even though I had a period) which I found out later is not true. Yes, to confirm those posts, we only TRIED for 13 months before getting pregnant…so technically speaking, it took 22 months for Weston to get in my uterus…it was only 13 months of actual TRYING. Does that make any sense? I never intended to offend anyone and I am so sorry if you feel that I was taking away from your struggle.
      xo – kb

  11. Cat says

    I’m sorry – but I personally think it is ridiculous and selfish for people to be angry with Katie because she is pregnant with Baby #3. YES, infertility can be a devestating struggle. But how dare you attack someone and make them feel guilty for having children. How self-important can you possibly be?
    I am also really shocked at the number of women who believe that they cannot get pregnant while breastfeeding.
    Congrats, Bowers.

  12. Lindsay says

    Congratulations!
    We lost our first one (miscarriage) at 5 months, and I was told by the doctor that it was highly unlikely that I’d ever conceive again, or carry to full-term (heart-shaped womb). Cue one surprise pregnancy of a darling girl, late at 41 weeks. Take that, the medical profession!
    The kitchen sink bath is something I never thought to do, until the time we stayed at a vacation cottage with friends where the baths were non too clean. The photos from that bath are just lovely.
    Never lucky enough to have a second one. We are thankful to have the one we have. It’s just the way it was meant to be for us.

  13. Zaly says

    Congratulations on your pregnancy news!
    I love reading yours and other blogs especially Young House Love!
    The fact that you share your intimate family moments with the world and make people feel apart of it is something special.
    Today however I feel sick to the stomach for you that you had to make this post the way you did. This should be filled with love, positivity and excitement. Another beautiful soul in this world is a blessing to all. Nothing should take away from this experience for you especially not other people’s jealousy and negativity. I can’t begin to imagine what they are going through in their infertillity troubles but do they really wish it upon others I imagine not so why be unhappy when you hear of another’s joy!
    Love an light from Australia.
    (P.S Zaly (Zay-Lee) a great name if you have a girl ;) xx )

  14. Beth says

    Congratulations Katie!! I am so excited for you! Even though I don’t even know you – which makes it slightly awkward. But yall make such cute babies, how could I not be excited?!! Can’t wait to hear about how you found it and follow you on this journey. I love that you overshare, ha! Cheers to a healthy and wonderful preganancy!

    ps I hope it’s a girl!!

  15. Danielle says

    Congratulations to you and the rest of the Bower clan! Such exciting news! I hope you have a happy and healthy pregnancy.
    We just found out that we are pregnant with our first. I am currently 5 weeks along, and so scared and nervous about miscarriages. In your pregnancies, have you felt those nerves as well? How do you deal with it?
    I think what you wrote is very sweet. Even for those who don’t experience any infertility struggles, it hurts to see those who do. My co-worker has been trying for a year and I feel so guilty to have gotten pregnant on our first try. I am so thankful and know that anything could happen, but I am dreading just a little bit the day when I tell her. I think its human nature to feel empathy for those who are struggling…your post was not condescending at all, but heartfelt and full of love for those around you.
    Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with the rest of us.

    • says

      Absolutely! I think everyone feels those nerves! My mom always told me growing up that whenever I would get stuck in a bad/nervous/sad mood that I just need to change my mind and choose to be something different. It’s hard…but possible. I like to think that I feel too much rather than too little and sometimes I have to remember that being in control of my emotions is a skill like running fast or jumping high…it takes practice and it’s not always natural.
      xo – kb

  16. Kristen says

    Gosh, who knew trying to be empathetic and sensitive would get you so much hate mail?? As someone struggling with infertility myself, I thought your post was very well done. Someone can acknowledge the pain of infertility, and the pain that pregnancy announcements can cause, whether their own journey to pregnancy has been long or short, difficult or easy. I appreciate anyone bringing light to the pain of infertility. And it was refreshing to me personally that this announcement was not all “We’re pregnant! It was so easy and unexpected! It’s so great! We’re blissfully happy!” Honesty from a blogger is to be commended, and I think your post was terrific. I hope the haters don’t get you down during such a joyous time in your life!

    PS: Everyone else is hoping for a girl so I guess I’ll hope for a third adorable Bower boy ;)

  17. Jennifer R. says

    Just skimming posts and so surprised I missed this one! Katie, this is amazing and I am so excited for you and your family!

    I think it is funny everyone is hoping for a little girl. My grandmother had 4 boys and she always wished for a little girl back then. My sister and I were her first grand-babies and she has told me a million times she is so glad she didn’t get to have girls until later, it made it even more sweet! We are so close to our grandmother now and I believe it’s because we are her girls! Plus, 4 little boys was a world of fun. Seriously, my uncles and my dad tell so many stories of their times together and even now there is no shortage of golf games and sports bar hang outs.

    Of course, having a little girl is awesome, too! Just wanted to point out that having a house full of boys is an amazingly wonderful blessing!

    3 cheers for boy or girl, just a healthy sweet baby bower and a smooth pregnancy! & I am interested to see if the W. initial trend continues… Winnifred (Winnie), Wren, Wynne, Walter, Wilkie, Walker, etc. Could be Fun!

    • says

      Oh that is so sweet! And I can pretty much guarantee that the W thing won’t continue. We like to choose names based on meaningfulness to us and our family…and there is a whole lot of others that we like that mean A TON to us.
      xo – kb

      • Jennifer R. says

        Re: W names…. I guess after the 3+ child mark it starts to get gimmicky? E.g. Duggars

        Anyways, boy or girl, W or any other letter, blue eyes or brown, cheers for the new little Bower!

  18. alicia says

    Hi Katie b!!
    I’m so sorry I had to comment.. I feel so awful that this post has turned out the way it did for you.. I think its absolute bullshit that you are getting nasty comments for trying to explain your feelings on YOUR OWN BLOG!!! This is your blog, not anyone elses.. I hate that your not able to shout with excitement your awesome baby number 3 news!! What an awesome time for your family, I’m so happy for you.. I think it shows what kindness you have in your heart to feel this way about other friends and people who are trying to conceive.. I think you are a beautiful person Katie, please don’t let anyone upset you xxxxxxx

  19. Lexie says

    Congrats and please please please take extra good care of yourself when pregnant and breastfeeding. Your body is literally the last one in line now- as you know – and your growing baby needs a lot from you. I experienced a late loss last year (at 20 weeks…we actually had the exact November due date) and since I was breastfeeding I can’t help but wonder if that had something to do with it. Luckily, I’m holding my week old son now- perfectly healthy and beautiful. Just a note that I know how super draining it is – I’m sure you’re on top of it. ;)

    • says

      It’s one of those things that I am having a hard time finding information about…how to do both (being pregnant and breastfeeding)…I would love any insight! I am doing my best at that task (better than prior pregnancies) and it helps that Weston is already seeming to wean. I want to make it to a year with him (just like I did with Will) but I might be one of those gals that is only breastfeeding once a day those last two months.
      xo – kb

  20. Denise says

    I struggled for many years with infertility and have felt all the range of emotions that go with it. I thought you did a wonderful job with this post…it was sensitive, compassionate and joyful all at once. Thank-you for being so aware of the stuggles other people face. Best of luck with number 3!

  21. says

    First of all Congratulations!!! :D i would like to say that my first reaction was YEI! but it wasn’t
    :/ i was looking at your blog for some painting tips and then i thought, ”why is she posting so much about maternity stuf maybe one of her friends is pregnant or someone in her family… ” then i read this post!!!
    And i though “whaaaaa? then while i continued reading i just feel very happy for you and your family…
    At this point I just have one friend who is having the same infertility issues as me, sometimes i feel bad that my other friends act and say things as if my life was so easy without kids and so perfect!!! hate hate that!!! I know that you can understand me a lot much better than other friends, and I really apreciate that!! I’ve always like the way you say things, the way you think.
    I just wish you the best!!! :D

  22. katrina says

    Katie – thank you so much for the good karma and wishes!!! We had two miscarriages in a row, one early, one late, after a year of trying to convince my hubby to even CONSIDER having another, and now I’m finally (5 weeks, hope it sticks!) pregnant! Hope some of you other ladies who’ve been trying get some good luck too :)

    • G says

      Actually noticed that you have to scroll down a little bit through the comments I was talking about to actually get on my point : the debate about something like “why blaming the others?”

  23. GumTreeGirl says

    Katie you are so sweet to think of everyone. I’m excited for you! You come out with really cute kids and I can tell you love them each so much.

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