I don’t know if anyone noticed lately but I’ve been more absent than normal.
Like face-down-in-the-rug kinda absent.
I don’t know how to go about explaining my brain right now…so I’ll just come out with one big thing in my head….
And in complete and utter shock.
On one hand (let’s call this the dominant hand)….I am completely thrilled. Happy beyond words and so so excited that I get to see our family take on this new step in our journey. Both Jeremy and I decided that we would start trying immediately after having Weston and hopefully we would see that special line on the pregnancy test before the year was up. So yes…this is definitely a planned thing.
But as planned as it was…it was not really expected. Hence the shock. In my heart I fully anticipated not even being able to get pregnant while still nursing. My doctor told me that a period doesn’t necessarily mean ovulation…so to never start ‘counting months’ if I am still breastfeeding full time…basically he told me to not freak out over fertility issues until I know all the facts about my own body. So in true ‘use-history-as-a-guide’ fashion, I pulled up my boot straps and fully expected another two years of trying. Afterall…it took longer than two years to get my little Weston’s buns in the proverbial oven. I always say hope for the best but expect the worst…and that is truly what I was doing. I didn’t expect any other little sweet babes in my life.
And as happy and overjoyed and blessed as I feel…I still can’t help but ache for my friends…both in real life and online that I have been praying for. The ones I lift up each day asking that God fill that desire in their hearts. The ones that have been waiting for their own little ‘lines’. Or for the news that they will be cleared for adoption. Or whatever news that it is that will make them parents or give their children siblings. I am so happy for me…I am. Mostly because this is what we want for our family but I want so badly to be happy for all my friends too. I want to share this celebration…but part of me holds back because I know that painful sting of “the wait”. I hate that sting. And I hate that wait.
So in the past two weeks, I’ve checked out. Both physically and emotionally. I am so freaking tired. I literally am not able to keep my eyes open during normal wakeful hours. I feel like I got hit by a parade of trucks full of bricks and then I pass out wherever my head falls. And it hits really fast….like I was an endangered species hit by a tranquilizer dart. I. go. down. I’m trying to truck on with everything…literally doing the very best of what I can do….whether that be a lame post or edit three photos or whatever I can squeeze in while the eyelids are still up. And that seems to add to my plate – my full plate of what feels like failing. On top of the physical stuff, I am so emotionally exhausted. I’m confused, it’s like I needed this time just to gather my own thoughts….to sort through the emotions and to identify what is true and what is insecurities and lies and hormones. I had to tell several very dear friends that I was pregnant…people that I cried with….because I know their own heart and they know mine and it just hurts.
I know that this news might hurt some folks out there. I realize that and I want you to know that I understand and that I am hurting for you and I am so sorry if I was any source of anguish for you. I truly feel like because I went through that, I understand that burn. I am so hypersensitive to it now. And if you want to punch me….I get it. I do.
And on the other hand…this precious gift….this son or daughter….this beloved one still forming inside me….I am just as excited…just as overwhelmed with feelings of pure blessedness…just as eager to hold and meet them as I was with Will and Weston. And I am so thankful that I have friends like you who give me the time and space I need to really process everything. And that you accept me with open arms when I come slowly crawling back…exhausted and worn thin. I am so thankful that you gave me this bit of time just to snuggle my boys a little more and dream about our future family. A time that is filled with so many polar opposite emotions. This thing called motherhood is quite the ride….one where I am still learning. It’s these moments where I land face down in my rug and cry tears of gratefulness and tears of hurt for others all at the same time.
So thank you. thank you for everything.