1. I’m complaining here. You were warned. I want a freaking baby. Like yesterday. Like three months ago. Like right freaking now. This month makes it one year. One year of letting it happen. One year of disappointment. One year of trying not to hate all the pregnant girls that are around me. One year of the most intense pain and frustration and sadness that my poor sheltered life has encountered. One year of crying myself to sleep and stressing out Jeremy and basically feeling like an ungrateful selfish obsessive overanalyst. Because that is what I feel like. I have a beautiful home, a wonderful husband, a pretty outstandingly awesome son and all I think about is what I don’t have. And as much as I would love to say “It’s fine!” or “I needed this time to learn so much” or “I’m enjoying Will” – that’s crap. (sorry mom for pulling out the c word but I really wanted to use the s word). I mean, I could certainly say those things while being pregnant. or while I’m holding a newborn. And I know that I trust God. I do. So don’t anyone dare tell me otherwise. But trusting His timing is so hard for me in this moment…in this area…when my desire is so deep that it could drown a normal person. Letting go of this idea of control…this concept of being in charge…of getting to decide how my family is going to develop and grow and fill out is like pulling my guts out onto a table, performing surgery on myself and using prayer as my only pain killer. It’s excruiciating. It is like making a clean freak lick the floor of a truck stop bathroom. And if you have ever been in a truck stop bathroom, you will know that it’s probably easy to contract a disease from just breathing in there. Little did I know that pulling the goalie and adding just a little bit of time makes for a whole lotta obsessing, a semi-crazy feeling that just hurts in the pit of your stomach and just so much overthought-out sex. Who knew that wanting a baby so badly could make a normal (um, yeah, I’m stretching that word a bit) girl like me in the bedroom into a complete nut job…pun unintended. It all just stinks. And stings. And is beyond the depth of the word “frustrating”. In other news, a sweet online friend sent me a fertility monitor. It’s all systems go people. This is the first month I’ve gotten to use it, and of course, the result is the same…instead of thinking about the ultimate birthday gift, I got a different kind of present….one that comes wrapped in red with a little white string. I say all this just to vent…not for your sympathy or beggin for your words of encouragement or for anyone to give me tips on what book to read, what to look for in my thunderwear, or how to conceive…but just to let you know that I am cranky…and if one person says ‘just relax’ I might just throw my laptop across the room…just sayin’.
2. I am in a unique situation. I have MANY friends…a whole bunch of amazing, creative and fun women that bring huge amounts of joy to my life…and I have never met them. Yeah. I’ve been thinking about that. It’s weird. and kinda awesome. Just wanted to say that.
3. I also thought about telling you something you might not know about me…you know to share – because that is what I’m all about lately – oversharing….oversharing my cycle news, oversharing to the lady at the checkout counter, oversharing about my frustrations with being house poor…just oversharing in general. So here it is – I am a hermit. I tend to stay inside my little hermit hole with my little hermit family and we do hermity stuff. And I think about making new friends and inviting them over and spending random time with them doing nothing…and I like it. I want it. And then my insecurity pops up and I think “why would anyone want to hang out with a hermit? a very awkward borderline offensive hermit that says anything that comes into her brain and overshares regularly? a hermit that literally puts her foot in her mouth and is really boring at times…because being boring is kinda a definition of being a hermit…and so I don’t. I don’t make the move. I’m like that poor skinny dude in the teen chick flick that has too many zits to get the girl. I think that is why I blog. It’s easier to be me. It’s easier to unload this emotional baggage with a few clicks on the keys than to deal with having to talk.
4. Are you frustrated with something recently? I’m sure it dwarfs my little speedbumps.
5. A picture because a post without a picture is just sad.
6. I am gonna try to have some photos of my sister’s wedding up later. It’s not much – seeing as how I still don’t have a copy of her pictures – but the very few that I took, I’m happy to share. four months late 🙂
7. Love you.