My eyes welled up with tears.
It was April 1st and I woke up hoping, wishing, wanting so badly to feel all those things that people told me about. I laid there searching myself inside and out for the clues. The clues that would indicate today would be the day. That today would be the day that I would have my baby. But today I had nothing. No compulsive need to clean. No excessive energy. Not even the need to empty the bowels…
…that’s when my eyes welled up with tears.
With a waking yawn, Jeremy rolled over. He looked at my face knowing that I was a bundle of emotion. of frustration. of disappointment. of impatience.
“Could you just make today special even though it’s totally not?” I whimpered pathetically.
“Sure honey”, he said as he wrapped his arms around me pulling me into his warm body. “How ’bout some very special breakfast?”
Ignoring Jeremy’s question, I was fullblown crying. Tears streaming down my cheeks and onto the pillow.
“I just want him here already. I just want to meet him. I just want him.”
It wasn’t that I thought Will would make his arrival on the due date…but I had hoped. And I knew that the weight of the wait would be excruciating. Like each minute would feel like an hour until I had some signal that our baby boy was ready for life here on earth. And every moment was another opportunity for my brain to run wild with questions.
Will our boy come when he’s ready? on his own? Is it wrong to kick him outta there with inducement? Is that forcing our timing over God’s timing? Is my water gonna break or will I have labor pains first? Will I even recognize labor if it’s here? Can I have peace about induction if that’s our only option? Could I make it through laying on my back during labor if Pitocin is used? Should I have an epidural if I already am stuck on my back? Can I handle the pain if I don’t use it?
The questions were overwhelming. Not knowing the answers was even worse. Our visit the day before to the doctor didn’t really answer any questions. He merely said that the baby wasn’t floating away and that my insides didn’t indicate that I would be going into labor anytime soon. I kept dwelling on his words “thick and ripe” as Jeremy and I finished our very special breakfast of Chickfila biscuits. Thick and ripe. Thick and ripe. That doesn’t sound like a place anybody would want to leave. Heck, I would want to live in a place described as thick and ripe too.
“Jer – did we make the right decision about the induction?” I asked as we headed to Baby Gap for the millionth time. Baby Gap, with it’s preppy little baby polos and the chinos in miniature sizes usually makes me feel better about everything…but this time all I could think of was the gaping hole in my arms where a baby should be laying.
“I mean, should we have it on Tuesday or Thursday? I just want to make sure we give him enough time to develop.” Even with the doctor telling us that it was our choice, I feared that things were being pushed. That somehow in my desire to meet my unborn son, that I was considering using drugs not out of medical necessity but out of my selfishness. Was I speeding things up for my own selfish wishes? Should I instead wait on Will to pull the trigger on his arrival? What if he never does? What if he is just peachy keen in his thick and ripe environment and could care less about meeting me?
“Katie, he is going to be fine. Everything is going to be fine. We don’t know God’s will. We just know that He put this doctor in our path for a reason and the doctor said that there are much more risks in waiting past 41 weeks than benefits. And who knows, maybe we are supposed to schedule the induction so that Will is saved from an accident happening. Now, did you find anything cute for him to wear?”
I just sighed. We both already knew we owned everything cute in this store.
TO CONTINUE READING PART TWO OF WILL’S BIRTH STORY…PLEASE CLICK HERE.