(originally written the day of finding out. Now I feel much different. More on that soon.)
My first reaction to hearing that we were having a little girl was complete shock, excitement…and then fear. I know. FEAR. Irrational and undiluted terror. I know that fear is not the normal reaction. Maybe it is. Maybe not. Either way, I feel it. It’s my reality. And I thought that I should try to explain my brain….not because I have to for anyone else…I do need to get it out. Just for myself. And maybe one day my future daughter will read this and realize how human her mother really is. She might not even care. Who knows?
Don’t get me wrong….I’m excited. I’m honored. I’m in no doubt fully and 100% in love. But I’m also feeling a whole bunch of the weird feelings. It’s insecurities. It’s a test of my identity. It’s a whole new world of parenting. And yes, I know that parenting ANY child is all of those things. I know that parenting requires different things because ALL children are different. All children need warmth and authority and guidance and forgiveness and security and patience and love. And I hope I can be all those things to my children. So if you are someone that wants to explain to me all about how girls are the same as boys…respectfully I know those things. Please…kindly don’t. I’m not in a place to feel chastised about how I explain my feelings or explained to about parenting or ‘mommed’….I am just journaling right now.
So let’s talk expectations. Expectations are an emotional gamblers high. Most times they aren’t met. And having expectations….AND OH DID I HAVE EXPECTATIONS….like I did about this baby…it wipes all those expectations away and it leaves you feeling…well, in a spot that is washed into a blank canvas. For heavens sakes…I already had a boys name picked out and the boys clothing pulled out. I already knew the kind of newborn photo shoot I wanted to do. I already thought about the little boys themes for the birthday parties and the gifts that I could get for christmas. We had already planned for bunk beds and putting three little boys in one room. It’s like that is all wiped away. That’s the feeling. Something that was there is now gone. And there isn’t a whole lot to fill the void except the unknown. And the accessories….because I don’t want to undermine the amazing accessories. And that does help.
And then there is identity. I’m a boy mom. I am. I am 110% all bout them boys. My identity has been in being a boy mom because that is the hand I have been dealt. That’s what I’ve evolved into. I thought I would have both by now. I always wanted lots of kids. Four to six…that’s what we always planned for. We didn’t plan for four boys in a row. We surely didn’t plan for them to be so close together. But since that’s what we got…that’s what I identify as. I used to stock pile girls clothing….but now I don’t shop for me…I shop with other moms in mind. I gave up on that idea of girl stuff in my life when I gave my sister the four boxes of girls clothing that I knew would never be used in the Bower house. And the thing is – I was ok with that. I like having the attention of FOUR BOYS. People think that is special…and it is! People stop me in the store and comment about the boys. I had a man tell me this past week that I was going to heaven because I was raising all these little boys. I can spot a cute preppy boys sweater on the Goodwill rack from 200 yards away. I can talk sports and monster trucks and dirty little jeans with grass stains. I can make helicopter noises and race car noises and I know all the train songs. I feel comfortable there. In the boy-mom zone. I feel safe and warm and cozy surrounded by dinosaurs and matchbox cars and farting jokes and talking about aiming into the bushes. And that so far hasn’t changed with any of my kids….and it has a huge potential of changing this time around. That feels a little…scary? odd? unknown?
And then there is all the irrational stuff….Will I be able to change a girl diaper without giving her an infection? Will I be able to be able to not put my own feminine emotional crap on her? Will I be able to deal with the moods and the hormones and the sensitivities? Will I be able to not forcefully push her to be a better girl than me….like forcing her to deal with my insecurities? Will I be able to teach her that beauty isn’t in her face but in her heart? Will I be good enough? Will I be enough of a mom? Will I be able to teach her the importance of grace, intelligence, practicality and hard work in a world that values women for physical appearance? Will I be able to protect her? Not just from sketchy or abusive men and danger and aggression and insecurities but from people…from fellow females or a culture who are just plain mean? Will I be able to teach her that her value isn’t in what people think of her….but that it comes from another source even when I struggle with that myself?
All of these things are like lightening bolts to my heart…striking fear in me…bringing out insecurities. And I gotta tell you….there was a time not long ago that I thought….maybe God doesn’t want me to have a girl because I am not good enough. I am not ready. I am not sensitive enough. Heck maybe I’m not even a good girlfriend to my own girlfriends. How can I be a good girl mom? And here is where things get brutally honest…maybe too honest. Maybe I’ll regret sharing this…but here goes.
I struggled my entire life with finding girls to be friends with. Not just in a oh-we-lost-touch sort of way. I’ve been flat out to my face loudly rejected by girls, women, friends, over….and over…and over. It’s staggering how many times it’s happened. In middle school, my best friend told me that she had to be someone else’s best friend because I wasn’t friends with enough people. I wasn’t popular enough. In high school, I was homeschooled and literally…all the girls were my sister’s friend…not mine. The girls that weren’t friends with my sister…well, all of them wanted to date my older brother and that’s all they talked about or they just chose to never get close to me. In college, I finally made some best friends, only to be told later that one of them thought I was hitting on her boyfriend…and I literally never even spoke a single word to that guy. And the other friends in our group followed her lead….rejecting me for a friendship with her. Even in recent years, I have been rejected by friends and they completely stopped talking to me in an abrupt and confusing way. And to be perfectly honest…it’s devastating. It’s heartbreaking and humiliating and raw and depressing.
I have lost so many friends….through time and through factors that I couldn’t control. I’ve apologized for things that were unintentional and even flat out untrue. And I don’t want to sound like I’m flawless…because I’m not. I’m 100% sure I made HUGE mistakes…but not being forgiven…not receiving reciprocal grace…it cuts. Rejection still hurts. It burns so slowly and I know that has shaped my vision for what girls are like. What female-to-female relationships are like. And I always thought…maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m weird. I know I am different…kinda like seeing both sides of the coin at once. I just thought I wasn’t good at being a girl…so maybe that is why I thought it was perfect for me to be surrounded by boys. I am analytical but also creative, outgoing but also a pocket introvert, a person that chooses habit just as much as I choose spontaneity. I did personality tests in college with my girls soccer team and every single time I would be in a category all by myself. It was a very concrete display of something I already knew in my heart….I am not the typical girl human. Not to say that I’m special…I’m fairly generic…but I fall in the middle of so many different personality types….I can identify with so many “girl” things…but very rarely do I fully embody any of them. It’s weird. I know. So for a long time…I thought it was me.
I would make friends but hold them at arms length. I literally lost faith in having close girlfriends for any extended period of time until Sherry came into my life. I can’t tell you how much I love that girl. And yes…things change. Yes, I have lots of other close girls that have helped heal those wounds of past relationships. There are truly some wonderful females that would bend over backwards for me and my family and I can’t express the love I have in my heart for them. But it doesn’t take away that insecurity. Those moments of rejection. Those don’t get wiped away. Will I be able to raise a woman who will lift up those around her? Will she grow to be the rejector or the rejectee? Will I be able to be a good example of what a strong female should be when really deep down I don’t feel strong at all? What if she doesn’t love me? What if…at the end of this, I am ultimately rejected by the only female that really matters? It could break me in half. Literally.
This insecurity is stirred up…and violently shaken and yes…its confusing and weird that it’s even PART of this discussion…but it is. And then go ahead with my family relationships. YES…I am obsessed with my sister and my mom….I love them to a point that nobody can even question it. They are literally my best of best friends in this world. But there have been times in the past when things weren’t so peachy. There were times when I was so angry and so hurt and so selfish and so jealous and so emotional and so STUPID that I pushed those relationships away. I fought. I screamed. I emotionally cat-clawed. There were moments when I was a terrible sister and a terrible daughter. It wasn’t pretty. And I know that only by the grace of God did we make through it. So that scares me. What if that happens with my daughter? What if we don’t make it out to the other side? What if I just SUCK at being a girl mom?
And then there comes parenting and all the weird irrational fears that I have. What if she really likes the girly things and I am not good at them? What if she wants a perm and it makes her hair fall out and it’s all my fault? What if she wants to wear the mini skirts because all her friends wear them? What if she hates sports and attending all her brothers activities? What if she is so pretty and nice and smart that all the boys chase her? What if she feels lonely in a house full of boys? What if I treat her too much ‘the same’? What if I treat her too much ‘different’? What if? What if? What if?
It fills my head and it scares the living crap out of me. I know and trust and BELIEVE WITH MY WHOLE HEART that God gives you the absolute best for your family. I don’t question whether this little one is good for us. I know for a fact already that I am gonna get the best little girl on the planet! It’s really a matter of whether I am good enough for her. And I know my identity should be in God. It is. For the most part it is. But I would be lying to say I don’t struggle. I am still human. I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made. But I wonder if my choices would disqualify me from being a good girl mom. Hurt people hurt people. I believe that. And we are all hurt. And I know it’s my job to protect and teach my children. I just want to make sure I protect my children from me. I don’t want to be emotionally insensitive. Or void of wisdom. Or emotionally overly sensitive. Being in the middle of all these personality types makes me think anything is possible.
So yeah…that’s where I’m at. I am excited. I’m in love. I am nervous. I am dealing with a lot of Katie right now. Things I thought weren’t an issue. Things I thought I had handed over to God. Remnants of those things are being brought up and I get to lay them down again. It’s very humbling. But that’s the human process right? That’s the process we all go through for maturity…for truth…for stability. And I hope that it means I am healing. Because truly…I want to be the best mom I can possibly be…to boys and a girl. I don’t want to leave perfect footprints….I want to leave the kind of evidence that my children never question if I struggled in the path before them so that I had to depend on God and on others. I want them to know that I was imperfect but lead by a perfect God with a perfect love. And that He can do that for them too. That we don’t care how short their hair is or what they like as a hobby or what color they want the walls of their room or what toys they want for Christmas….that we only care about doing our best to show them the greatest love in the whole world. Honestly…I can’t wait for her to get her because then I can just cuddle my sweet new baby and forget about me for a minute. And maybe I can fill the time with girl accessories…because that is one thing that doesn’t scare me. That is one thing that I did dream about for a long long time.
God gives us children as part of His plan to refine who He knows we can be. You’ve done a remarkable job with 4 boys and now a girl can stretch you even more. It will be both exhilarating and terrifying, but you’ll be wonderfully successful! I enjoy the camaraderie of motherhood that is reflected in your blog.
Katie, this is the sweetest post and it brought tears to my pregnant eyes. I don’t know the sex of my babies yet (due Sept 11), but am also fearful (and excited of course) of the possibility of a girl. I have a 2 year old son at home – and he’s what I know and what’s familiar. Thank you for sharing xx
Thank you for being vulnerable and open in this harsh world. I believe that God knows exactly who your daughter is going to be and he knows the exact parent that she will need to raise her. You!!! My mom always said to me that if I can undo everything that she did to me while raising me, then I will be okay. 🙂 You will make mistakes. Lots of them. But that is okay. She needs to see you fail. To mess up. Only to see you depend on God even more for everything. You’ve got this! I will be praying for you through this.
I felt similar when having my third. My first two are girls and I just expected to have theee girls. When my son was born I was completely surprised. He is now 6 and I can’t imagine not having him but at the time being a mom to a boy was so weird. I remember the nurse telling me that he was just a baby and all babies (boys or girls) need the same things until they are 2. It was true. Now he is the rowdiest, dirtiest most loveable little dude. Everyone loves him and he loves everyone. Just give yourself a little time to adjust. And really little girls are so easy… 12 year old girls… they are very interesting
Amanda L says
Oh Katie… I have no words but just wanted to send you the biggest hug. The fact that you’re thinking all of these things right now just shows that you are going to be the most thoughtful mother to this little girl. She is lucky to be born into a house full of people (not boys, not girls… PEOPLE) who love her unconditionally. <3
Oh sweet Katie! I wish I could just give you a hug. This is so raw and beautiful.
I am a girl mom. I have 2 girls close together and probably won’t have any more. Sadly.
Being a girl mom is hard. There are a lot of emotions. There is a lot of drama. There are some very easily hurt feelings. But there is some real beauty and healing in it too. Watching my girls work through issues and having it heal my own heart. Seeing myself in them and realizing I can do better for all of us.
I feel the same way about my identity. If things were to change and I did get a third, I would be terrified of having a boy!! Boys are crazy and dangerous and so energetic. I don’t think I’d survive. And I don’t know a thing about boy things!
But to be honest, I wasn’t the best girl growing up. I didn’t and still don’t like lots of girly things. But you learn. Just like you did with boy stuff. You love fiercely and apologize when you screw it up.
I think you are going to be an AWESOME girl mom. Because you’ve already shown to be a great mom.
Jane Morrow says
Oh Katie! I’ve followed you for a long time and I always knew at some point you’d have a girl. I’m so excited for you and Jeremy! I know what you mean about feeling rejected by your girlfriends. Same happened to me as I was growing up. I am also one of those that always ended up in a category of their own, the odd one out.
We are flipped in our situations. I have one boy and due with our 3rd girl in about 7 weeks. We live in Chattanooga so if you and Jeremy are ever up this way, I will be more than happy to go girl shopping with you! Your Jeremy and my Jeremy can hang out with the boy kiddos!
You got this love, you got this.
Thanks for this post, Katie. I just found out that my first child will be a girl (I’m 21 weeks) and it has been really hard to explain to people all of the fear and hesitation that I’ve felt since finding out. I always saw myself as a “boy mom” and the thought of having a girl terrifies me for many of the same reasons as you. I know that it will all turn out okay but it doesn’t change the fact that it scares the c*&p out of me!
Thank you for sharing your own insecurities and hesitations. It makes me feel that I’m not alone in this!
Wendy from OldLakeGeorge.com says
I love it when you share your heart.
Ugh. Totally sobbing.
My girl came first, then my boy 18mos later. There’s a different concern for a girl than there is for a boy. You’re spot on with all your fears for her future and y’alls relationship. I fee them too. And I but heads HARD with my girl (threenager is no joke). But dang it I love her HARD too.
I just pray and beg God that she will learn who HE says she is and that she will believe it. That she and I will both rest in knowing our identities in Christ.
I will be praying for your relationship with this blessed little lady you are growing.
What a raw, honest, brave post. I’m the mom to a boy, and when we found out his younger sibling was a girl, I felt many of the same things you describe. We are all learning day by day, and I hope you know how many of us are out here cheering you on, even if we’ll never meet. (Although if you’d ever like to come to Maine, I would so love to show you around!)
Emily @ Life on Food says
I have always wanted a boy and girl and here I am 7 days from my due date with our second child, a boy, after having a girl. I am so happy but yes to all of the things about not knowing, the insecurities. I am sure and confident it will be fine, of course, but until it happens. Here I sit and wait.
You are an incredible mother Katie. I love following your journey and know God will carry you through mothering a baby girl, too! You’ve got this!!!!
Thank you for your openness and honesty! You put words to a lot of the feelings I’ve been having throughout my pregnancy with my little girl. There is nothing like big transitions to point out the areas of insecurity and hurt in our lives… but I believe God reveals those to us so He can heals those hurting places. I became an “instant mom” a year and a half ago when I got married and became a stepmom to six kids. I’m still reeling from how amazing and rewarding it is, but also how inadequate and unprepared I feel… I don’t have “answers” so much as I know that it’s a process and I know that they don’t need perfect, they need love. I’ve got to trust God for the rest!
Big hugs to you!
Aw, Katie! I never would have guessed that you lived MY girl-woes, too! I, thankfully, have a couple dear friend relationships now, but truthfully, those early rejections really changed me and they still sting and color how I cautiously approach any relationship with another female! Also — 100% with you there on the “category of your own” personality tests! I just always say I don’t get “girl games”!
Now, for my 2 cents … You are going to love that little darling and she will be your sidekick-in-crime! A blessed support in your corner and help to keep all those brothers in line! Lol! My Mom was the only girl with 4 brothers. Unfortunately, she never felt special or loved. Years later, after she was grown, she voiced that and her Mom told her that she desperately tried not to treat her differently and show any favor because she was the only girl! My Mom wishes that she had been treated a little bit special! But … really .. don’t we all want to be special and loved for who we are? We, as moms, try to do that for each of our kids and I know that you will love uniquely for this next Bower, too! In our family, we have worked to train our kids to be glad for each other. Things aren’t always fair or equal and if we can purpose to be happy for others, I think it is important and leads to a much more content life!
Sharing your heart was brave and I’m sure that all daughters, sisters, moms everywhere can relate!
Wow, just … wow. Thank you for being so totally vulnerable and honest. Parenting can bring up so many emotions! Some that need to be examined and dealt with, some we though we had already resolved and some that we didn’t even realize were there.
I am someone who can overthink and start to obsess about emotional situations. So, from that perspective, I hope that journalling has helped free your thoughts and helped you see things a bit clearer. I know when I keep stuff inside my thoughts start to get jumbled and confused. Talking it through helps bring things into focus.
And I know several moms who had very mixed emotions after finding out the gender of their baby. So even though your reasons are your own, you are definitely not alone in feeling conflicted after a gender reveal that wasn’t what was anticipated.
Again, thank you for your honesty, bravery and vulnerability.
Always remember that you are enough. I have a non existent relationship with my alcoholic mom so I was scared to parent a daughter. She and I are incredibly close and thriving through her teen years.
YOU ARE ENOUGH!! It’s fun to parent girls too 🙂
Just my personal thought here…..maybe you are getting a girl now to help you address the fears and concerns you are showing now….things you wouldn’t have to address or you could push aside if it was going to be a boy. If its true that God wants us to grow as people, and that he’ll put challenges and hurdles in your path, this sounds like it may be one of them. I am sure you will be a great mom to a daughter, and I think its really great that you are thinking about these issues now…..sounds like you will be conscious and deliberate about the messages you send your daughter. But it also sounds like it will make you evaluate things about yourself….which I think is healthy!
Best of luck to you and yours!
Every time I worry about my parenting abilities (or lack thereof) I am reminded that just being worried about it is part of what makes me an ok parent. (I wont say a good parent, but I don’t totally suck either.) My kids watch too much tv and I know that comes back on me because I also watch too much tv. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s harder to change than you would think. I want more for my kids than what I have, but I also don’t want to set such high expectations that they don’t feel they will ever live up to them. I worry so much about whether or not I’m a living example of grace and love and honesty for my kids. Worry so much. And then I get an email from a teacher praising the way one of my kids stood up to someone who was bullying another classmate and I realize that maybe my husband and I don’t totally suck as parents.
You’re going to be a great girl just as you are a great boy mom! Congratulations, now go buy some cute girl stuff so we can all drool over it 🙂
Noel M says
That is a beautiful sentence Rebecca! God gives us children as part of His plan to refine who He knows we can be. Love it.
Katie, I only had one boy and then felt many of these same things when my second was a girl. You’re already an amazing mom, and you’ll grow alongside your little sweetie in shaping a beautiful young woman to go with your little gentlemen. hugs!
Lindsay C says
Katie. You have to know that you because you are already good, and you have the foundations of family and togetherhood, that your children will be good. I think we have to remember that although we do rub off on them, it’s our job to let them be who they are. I face this all the time with my daughter. I am very outgoing and not afraid to be loud and silly. My daughter is more quiet and reserved. I won’t say shy because so many people give that word a negative connotation when really it’s ok to be more quiet. It’s just not me. 🙂 I admire that she doesn’t have to get everyone’s attention and doesn’t want to tell everyone everything going on with her. One thing is for sure, I think we can learn so much from our kids. And as for fears, I don’t think that goes away. My daughter is 7 and son is 4. I still have fears about their teen years, and then I have to remind myself not to fear something that hasn’t happened and to just take 1 day at a time. From the book “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed about Cheryl’s mother, “The amount that she loved us was beyond her reach. It could not be quantified or contained. It was the ten thousand named things in the Tao Te Ching’s universe and then ten thousand more. Her love was full-throated and all-encompassing and unadorned. Every day she blew through her entire reserve.”
I don’t think you need to worry about being a boy mom or a girl mom. Just be a mom. The rest will come. You’ve got this.
What if these experiences make you the BEST at being a girl mom?
Katie NO ONE is a perfect mother. To any of their children, regardless of gender. I just had my second baby and I am constantly questioning my skills as a mother. I cried the whole way home from my sister’s house yesterday because I feel like a bad mother by comparison. INTERNET HUGS. Also, I’ll be your friend. I volunteer as tribute. Having moved to multiple states during adulthood I can tell you I am an excellent long distance friend, as I have lots of practice.
Although I am not pregnant, I totally identify with your feelings that God is stretching you on a path that he thinks is best but is not what you had planned for yourself. After having a super easy pregnancy with my first, and getting pregnant so quickly….I’ve had two miscarriages in an attempt to add to our family. Every single day I struggle with this path that God has set out and all of the what ifs. Look up the “prayer of abandonment”…..I pray it all day every day. It reminds me to give everything up to God and to be thankful for it, because his path is best. Can’t wait to see your beautiful baby girl, Katie. What a blessing she will be to your family.
Oh Katie! I feel like you are writing so many things that I have felt and dealt with regarding girls (even the stuff about your mom). I have been blessed with one child, a sweet sweet daughter who just turned 7. I often wonder what I did to deserve this wonderful girl’s mommy. But I believe God gave me this blessing and she has helped me heal and taught me more than I could have ever imagined. You are an extraordinary boy mama, and you will just shine even more being a mommy to a sweet little girl
You are going to be the best girl mom! The love you have for your children shines through in all of your blog posts, and I know you’ll accept this new challenge with grace.
As for the female friendships you wrote about- it hits so close to home for me. I’ve had many of the same experiences, and the rejection has really prevented me from putting myself out there as I’ve gotten older. Often it feels like female friendships come so effortlessly for most people. Thank you for writing about your experiences…for a brief moment I really felt less alone.
Wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy. I can’t wait to read all about your new adventures with five kids!
I have a cousin who had seven children. The first SIX were boys. The 7th was a girl. They’re all adults now – but I can tell you, that girl was/is absolutely ADORED by her family and brothers. And, well, she played sports growing up – in fact, she was a state champion in track. But, she also was a cheerleader. She played in the dirt a mud with her brothers, and grew into quite the fashionable young lady who can still put on a pair of dirty jeans and work in the yard.
Girls are hard, there is no doubt about it. I’m a girl and I recognize that I can be catty and difficult and kind and warm – all the things that go along with being a girl.
I think you are going to be a FANTASTIC girl mom, Katie.
Wow. That was heavy. I am the youngest of 5 with 4 older brothers. The only female. Adopted because they no longer trusted genetics to send a daughter. My mother and I couldn’t be more different. But as the only girl at the end of the line I was surrounded by protection. (And taught not to take crap from anyone.)
You won’t be the perfect mom to her. And that’s OK You will be exactly what she needs or Heavenly Father wouldn’t be sending her to you. It was decided long ago. She’s yours so enjoy her.
You are so very brave for posting your inner most feelings for everyone to read. You are saying things most people aren’t able to say out loud. I think every mom has those insecurities with the newest baby and yours are 10 fold because it’s completely different than what you have experienced four times before. But your daughter is going to be brought up in a house with so much love and attention (and protection from four older brothers) that I think a lot of those fears will slip away the second she comes into this world!!
Sweet Katie, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. One of my good friends recently had a girl after SIX boys, and she had many of the same feelings. It’s okay to feel ALL the feels- the good, the bad, and the ugly. But know that you are ENOUGH, and God will truly give you all you need to raise an amazing girl. At least, that’s what I tell myself. This parenting gig is so very much not easy. I question myself constantly, too, and have to remember that I am not doing this alone. God is with me. If I let him be. You have been given so many remarkable talents, not the least of which is sharing your heart honestly and eloquently. Sometimes its easy for us (firstly, me) to think that we’re the only ones who have these struggles, but your personal posts always remind me that I’m not. Please don’t hide yourself and your thoughts. It’s one of your greatest gifts to the inter webs. 🙂 I am lifting you up and praying for your family and your sweet baby girl. Get ready for your world to be rocked. Having a daughter is different than having sons (I have both), but it is also one of the sweetest gifts God can give you. Lean into him, trust his plan, he will sustain you. Hugs. <3
"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall." -Psalms 55:22
Your story reminds me of my mom. She had all girls but was not a girly girl herself. Sure, she could do her hair and makeup and wore dresses and other traditional “girl things” but she only knew how to do hers and didn’t know how to teach us how to do it, unless you wanted a beehive like hers. Which… yeah… we didn’t. She didn’t have many close girls friends because she was a career woman who waited to get married and to have children when most of the women in her circle didn’t. They were never close and couldn’t seem to connect. I didn’t realize my mom was kind of a feminist until much later in life because I just thought that was how things worked, you know?
So , while we learned how to do makeup from friends and I still have NO clue how to french braid hair (I was 12 before I knew how to do a regular braid), it didn’t matter. My mother loved us and we always knew it. She was an example to us to just be ourselves, whatever that may be and she was always proud and supportive. When I was a tom boy who liked to play in the mud and wanted to play soccer with the boys, ok sweetie here’s some cleats and take of those jeans before you track it through the house please. When I wanted to wear all black and paint my nails black and write crappy poetry by candle light, she took me to Hot Topic and never questioned it. When I wanted to wear dresses and heels or join a theatre group or start a blog or do my own tile work, she was always loving and reassuring.
I will always remember my mother’s love and support. That’s what little girls look for.
You will be wonderful. We support you.
Oh my goodness, I read your post with tears in my eyes. Not only do we have similar girl “friend” experiences in our pasts, but I am a boy mom (of just one) and I love it. I remember being terrified when the doctor announced it, thinking, WHAT am I going to do with a boy??? But it’s what I know, and I really own being the mom of a boy. (I cracked up at you knowing all the noises. I know all the parts of a backhoe!!) I’m now 12 weeks pregnant and we are not finding out the sex. It was my husband’s idea but I’m so on board because if it’s a girl, I don’t want to know! I will just stress about it for the whole second half of my pregnancy, versus just give me that beautiful baby and I’ll worry about it later, ha! I did want to say, I feel like you are self-aware and honest and open, and will be so thoughtful with how you raise your daughter. You’ve raised four very special, very different boys and you highlight and celebrate what makes them special and different. Baby Girl won’t get lost in the pack with you as her mama. Congratulations on the news!
As a mom of 3 little girls, your “fears” legitimate. As a Believer, I have come to the realization that we cannot do this parenting thing on our own. I need to remember to lay down all of my fears, anxieties, expectations at His feet. He did not mean for us to do it alone….we need Him. Whether we are a mom of boys or girls, I believe God uses these little treasures to draw us to Him and be transformed to His liking. Expect to be amazing how He will take care of it all. And by the way, my girls love race cars and dinosaurs just as much as they love dressing in princess dresses.
Candice McC says
Great post! I have a cousin who has 4 girls (they’re done unless there’s some sort of surprise). But the thought of a boy with #4 scared her, too. It’s understandable. But I think that you’re even thinking about all this? Shows that you’ll be just fine. Can’t wait for her to get here to live vicariously through you. My youngest starts Kindergarten in the fall, and I often have serious baby fever. 😉
Jessica M says
This is me as well. I am a girl mom. To a 2 year old and a 6 month old, and won’t have any more (at least not planned). And when I found out my second was a girl, i was relieved. Only because i thought “okay, I know how to do this”. I think we are all set in what we know. And something new always challenges us. I often think about what I would have been like as a mom to a boy. Katie will be wonderful to that little girl. I definitely believe God gives us what we need, and that little girl will be a great friend to all, as Katie knows first hand what it is like to be rejected, so her daughter will have a tender heart. I hope I can raise my girls to be that way, as I – like Katie – always struggled with girl friendships. Blessings to all and to all Mommas out there, girl or boy moms, as it is a constant struggle of self doubt 🙂
I totally hear you! My first was a boy and I was so happy. My second was a girl and I kind o “grieved”. Not for her but for the boy I wasn’t going to have and the name I would never use, etc. all the cute boy outfits I wouldn’t get to reuse. And then I had another girl and the dream of having another boy was gone as we were done having kids. I too suck at being a girl. My oldest girl is 3 and I can’t do hair, couldn’t even get those elastic things in her hair after trying forever. I can’t braid, I don’t like princess stuff, etc. I was rejected a lot and even asked my mom to stay home from school because girls were so mean. I didn’t make cheerleading I wasn’t popular and it was hard. And I too fear all that for my girls. I also know a time will come when my daughters will hate me as all mom/daughters go through that. So you are not alone. I will say now I am totally in love with my girls and they bring something totally different to the table.
Thank you for always being so vulnerable and open. I had 1 girl, and I always expected a house full of girls. I got pregnant with my second, “knew” it was a girl and started planning for her. Then we decided to do a gender reveal and my sister was in charge, so she knew before we did. We opened up a box to find blue balloons and boy clothes and I was just in shock. I walked around in a daze and I cried for the next couple days. I realized it was because I thought I couldn’t be a good mom to a boy. I was terrified of raising a boy who would turn away from God when he grew up. Both of my brothers did. I had some things to give over too before I could be happy about having a boy, even though the entire time I was thrilled to be expecting another baby. It’s normal to have fears and doubts, but for some reason we feel like we can’t or shouldn’t, so we hide them. Thank you for not doing that and making this seem even more like an acceptable feeling to have. It passed for me, and I love my little Bennett so much I can’t imagine anything different. You’re awesome and a wonderful mom. You will figure this out too, I know it! <3
Tamara Casorso says
Oh, Katie! I want to be your friend! Thanks for sharing your heart. I know it’s not really for us readers, but just your journal spilling out for your memory of these early days. We have 4 kids (1 boy, 3 girls) and the last two were twins. We were planning baby #3, but shocked with baby #4 as well. I was destroyed. My whole picture of what I thought our family would be, crumbled. Then I felt a lot of guilt! I was being given the gift of two babies while some friends were struggling to get pregnant. Major guilt. It took me a few months and then a special verse from God about a double blessing for my heart to soften and accept the gift I’d been given.
You’ll rock the girl mom thing. Big hugs to you both!! ❤❤❤
Jessica M says
Also a note, if you ever want a long distance pen pal friend in STL. I am here for you. I have lived pretty much everything you did as a person looking for girlfriends growing up. I just never understood the girl drama. And was afraid to be truly myself thinking that was why I never had good friends. I now have one magically close girlfriend and feel blessed to have her. So if you ever want to reach out and commiserate, I am here. 🙂 I am also a girl mom. LOL so if you ever want to vent or chat about what in the world is going on in their little girly heads, I here too. But you go this, I trust in God, that all your experiences leading up to today, have made you a perfect girl mom, he is just now giving you the chance to use your skills.
Noel Mason says
I read your blog everyday and love it all. I’m amazed by you and frankly how much you can get done in a day. I strive to be like you. I am a girl mom, and its… well.. difficult at times. The sass, oh the sass alone will sometimes drive you crazy. But just like boys a simple “loves you momma” fixes everything. I was also worried about the diaper thing, front to back, new wipe, front to back, new wipe, works and happy to say we are infection free so far. woohoo. 🙂 its the little things. As I was reading your post all I could think was, dang that girl is going to be so blessed. All those big brothers looking out for her, protecting her, driving other boys away from her. She is going to have the best security system around. So tips from a girl mom: 1. bows, bows, bows, all the time. Shes going to start pulling them off someday, so keep one on as long as you can. Buy em in bulk too. 2. embrace the pink, its going to take over, but she’ll love monster trucks too!! 3. A girl takes after her momma and the dedicated Christian example that you show through out your blog is just proof that your little girl is going to be an amazing person also.
Much love, God’s Blessings, and good luck with all the accessories, they’re so fun!!
This post speaks to me. I only have one girl so far and all the feelings you’ve expressed are totally mine. You’ve been blessed to be a a mom to your 4 boys and this little lady will be the perfect addition. God isn’t going to give you more than you can handle… I’m so excited to watch your family grow
Honestly, I’ve had a girl for almost 5 years now and it still scares the living crap out of me. She is getting ready to go to school and all I can think about is how mean girls are to one another. I don’t want her to be the bully, but I don’t want her to be bullied. I’m similar to you in that I am always interested in girly stuff (clothes, shoes, makeup, hair styles) but I’m not that good at it. I’m not the woman who asks another woman what’s wrong, I’m usually the one sneaking away so I don’t have to deal with the crying. I would rather be on the 4-wheeler holding on to my hubby. My daughter is now wanting to get into more girly stuff, and I’m out of my element… big time. I tried to French braid her hair the other day…. Yikes! But you know what, she loves me. Sure, we have our moments, but she loves me and I love her. She sees that I’m trying and I think that’s all that matters. Good luck and prayers!
As a mom to four boys and two girls, mostly grown now, you’ll do fine. Girls are NOT the same from a parenting standpoint, they’re much much harder! There’s less activity and a whole lot more emotion. But my oldest daughter (she’s an adult now) is also my best friend and I wouldn’t trade any of them for the world!
I am not a mother, nor close to being one but I just have to tell you how much I love your vulnerability and honesty. I’ll be praying for you! And for Jeremy as I’m sure he has his own set of fears! So much love to your beautiful family Katie <3
Katie Thank you for every part of this. you are so honest and say all the things I felt when my daughter was born ( we didn’t know before hand if we were having a girl or boy and I was SURE it was a boy) I was so worried about being the best mom cause I had never been around girls and never had a lot of girl friends. I knew boys and I knew what to do with boys, I had it all planned out. I could talk sports and bugs and legos and all things boy.
I struggled in that moment when she was born with was I good enough and I can happily tell you that by the grace of god things are so far going well. Your daughter will see you with all your flaws and still want to grow up to be you. She will love you bigger than anyone in the world and will bond with you and become the most amazing girl in the world. Congrats on your new princess and thanks for sharing these things. you are amazing !
Katie – I love that you are so open and candid on here! I think all of your thoughts are completely founded and normal, especially with all of the self-doubt that comes anytime you bring a new tiny human into the world! I think you said it best when you said that God is reminding you that your identity is in HIM! It’s so hard to walk-out each day, but it’s so true, and something to strive for everyday.
I had similar struggles, and I only have 1 daughter – 19 months old. I was SURE we were having a boy… I knew it, I had all nieces and I just NEW after infertility that God would bless us with the first boy in the family, so when we found out we were having a girl, it was hard! I’m not a girlie-girl… I never had friends growing up… people were nice to me, but I was NEVER invited to events outside of school by friends, so I feel you’re struggle with the insecurities. I think it is a chance for God to use YOU to instill confidence in Christ in your precious little girl so that she never has to encounter those struggles! And I think you will succeed with no question! 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I don’t even have kids yet but I have a lot of the same insecurities for when I do.
This post brought tears to my eyes. I had a sweet boy first and fell in love with all things boy. Boys run very strong on my husband’s side so I really figured I would end up with another boy the second time around. But we were surprised with a girl. I had some of the same fears and insecurities as you. I don’t consider myself a strong and brave woman. I am more introverted than extroverted and I don’t make friends very easily and I never have. I’ve always had my Mom as my best friend though so I did have a good model there. I still worry about these things from time to time if I let my mind go there. But having a daughter has been so much fun. I thought I would enjoy the clothes and shoe shopping but it turns out that I just like her to look classic and not too dolled up and the hair situation is something I still learn about each day. That stuff doesn’t come naturally to me. My daughter just teaches me everyday to see the joy in the little things because she gets so excited about the littlest stuff and she lives her little life without worry. I want to be more like her.
Laura - The No Pressure Life says
The mere fact that you are so introspective and thoughtful is what will make you a great mom to this little girl. I hope that since you first wrote this, you realize it now. I had a boy first and was terrified. I dislike getting dirty, couldn’t stand fart jokes, and was a girly-girl. Then that little guy taught me all about boy things, and I had a girl. I remember leaving the doctor’s office after we found out and thinking “Oh my God, I understand my mother now.” I was hit with a wave of worry and protectiveness that I didn’t experience with my boy. Now I have a rough and tumble girl who loves pink but hates dresses, enjoys dolls but likes trucks, too, and comes up with the most ridiculous fart jokes. I honestly think that I was always meant to be the mom for these two souls. I’m definitely not perfect at it, but I’m right for them. And you will be as right for this girl as you are for your four boys. Sending hugs your way!
I have followed your blog for years.
You are a wonderful Mom to your 4 adorable boys and a terrific wife and partner to Jeremy. God has chosen to give you a lil girl now…because you are ready for this part of His plan. He never gives you more than you can ever handle. You will be terrific!
Reading your story, was reading about my own life. I too was rejected by other girls. I was chased down the street and called a monster in the 6th grade, by a group of mean girls. Thru my life, school and work, I had better friendships with men than women. I was a research scientist so to me that seemed normal at the time. When I retired to take care of my kiddos, I realized I had few to no women friends. It was lonely. I have always had, and still have “friends”, whose relationships I have to work hard to maintain. Someone told me my “friends” were only acquaintances. That comment caused me great pain because in my heart, i knew, it was so true.
Like you , I am the mother of boys… 2 boys. But I always longed for a girl. I’ve been the Aunt (and Auntie to many non relative girls). But alas, God never blessed my husband and me with a little girl. I guess He knew I was not ready. Like you I was happy to be a boys Mom. I have a wonderful relationship with my boys. They make me feel special. but more important they know they are loved and very special to me.
Last December God blessed us with the most precious gift a little girl was brought into our lives. God knew, I was ready.
Katie, I am your Mom’s age and that little girl is our granddaughter whom I love unconditionally. I worry too that I will not be good enough for her. Yes, I too worried about changing her diaper, not being gentle enough, or thorough enough and giving her an infection. Now at 3 1/2 months, I know my lil girl and I already share a special bond. I have so much I want to share with her and teach her and God in his wisdom has already let me know …. she has so much to teach me.
God bless you. You will be terrific!!!
Much Love always.
What a beautiful, open and honest post. Thank you. You know, I’m having my first baby in June and found out we’re having a girl. Some of the feelings you have, I have them too. My past is not the same (shoot, whose is?) but I still fear that I won’t be enough for her. Or that I will project a certain self image. I cry thinking about someone calling her ‘fat’ or ‘ugly’ someday because I know how cruel kids and girls can be. I cringe thinking about her being left out of a group of friends and I worry about how she’s going to handle being a women when there are so many emotions that come with it. Basically, I’m saying, you are not alone and your feelings are validated. And I think you’re going to surprise yourself. You have got this.
PS You are so correct. Girl accessories are totally the best!
i absolutely get this. i’ve had the same friendship history with girls, have had my share of being hurt, and have done my share of hurting. during my first pregnancy, my husband and i were both honest that we would rather have a boy than a girl. lo and behold, i was pregnant with a boy AND a girl (and am now preggo w/ boy #2) and she has changed our world in the best way possible. though i was petrified about being a girl mom, the good news is that girls (just like boys) start out as BABIES and you get to learn the whole process right along with them. now i can’t imagine my life without my little spitfire!
Candis Hale says
Katie Bower! Oh the tears I cried reading this! I have 1 boy and 2 girls and all of the things you said are things I think of! How can I raise them to be all of these things?! What if I screw them up?! What if some boy is mean to them?! I love that you are so honest about this but I know you will be a great girl mom just as you are a boy mom. It’s a special bond, a mom and a daughter.
Katie, I went through some very dark times with my mom and totally get the fears you have with regard to your relationship with your daughter. I sometimes feel the same thing having just had my first girl, BUT what I’m realizing is that those experiences (as awful as they were) were actually a gift to me because I am now more aware and can be more intentional in growing my relationship with her. I don’t think what you went through puts you at risk for screwing up, I think it gives you more perspective and better tools for the road ahead. Lucky girl to have such a thoughtful mama!
This was me last year, I have three girls and we thought we were done, and surprise, one more! I definitely thought we would have another girl, I just knew it. I, too, had a name picked out and was so excited for four girls, how cool! Then, surprise, it’s a boy! I went through all the emotions, I am a girl mom, I don’t know what to do with a boy, etc. It is completely normal to feel this way, it’s not bad, it’s just different and you got this! He is now 7 months and there are times I look at him and think, “we didn’t even know we were missing you, but now I can’t imagine anything different”. You will too, you know this, it will just take a minute to get used to it. However, it did take me awhile to get used to changing a boys diaper 😉
I think of you – even though we have never met – as my friend. I am sure I am not the only one of your followers who so love and enjoy you!
Katie, thank you so much for sharing so openly and honestly. As someone who doesn’t have kids but is going through IVF, your post really validated a lot of my fears/concerns about one day becoming a parent. (And these IVF meds made it hard to read this without a dry eye.) Your experiences of being rejected by females so many times over hurt my heart. Although I experienced that at a young age, it didn’t happen often and I have so valued my female friends for years. I hate hearing that you didn’t have a good experience with female friends until later in life. I’m sure all your readers feel this way, but I would love to be friends with you if I lived near you. All of this to say, your fears are normal and shared by others, but we all have faith that you will be an amazing girl mom and that God had this planned for your family. Thanks again for sharing and taking us on this journey with you!
All of this I ❤ so much. Thank you for sharing your journey
Emily F says
Emeline Piva Pinheiro says
I am crying, I’m not going to explain why, because that would require an entire post, but I can say that much to you: I totally understand all these feelings and that you have a friend in me (I mean, it’s just online and the chances are that we never meet and we are thousands of miles away from each other, but you still have my support).
Stephanie G says
Katie- I’m the mom of 2 boys and 1 little girl. It is the hardest, yet most wonderful thing in the world. My cup runneth over with the love I have for them. God chose this little girl for your family, and she will love (and hate) growing up with 4 big brothers! Hang in there:-)
Caroline Ballard says
You are an amazing mom! And because you are worried about all of these things, it makes you an even better mom because you care so darn much! Good luck!!
I think those thoughts are absolutely normal. I had some of the same feelings when I found out we were having a girl, and I only had one boy to begin with. Haha! Girls are like boys, but they are also different as all kiddos are and I can understand having the feeling that the rug was pulled out from under you. It had to have been such a surprise to find out, but you’ll start to feel better and better about (and it sounds like you already do). Now for the fun part of shopping for girl stuff and getting ready for the joy a little girl will bring to your house full of boys!
Beth Ann says
Katie – although I don’t know you personally, other than what you share on social media channels, I have a feeling that raising a daughter will come naturally to you. It sounds like you have a fantastic support system in your husband, sister, and mother as well as those 4 beautiful boys.
I can completely relate to your challenges with female friendships; as a teen, young adult and even as a grown woman in my 30’s, I have experienced very much the same as you. To this day it difficult to open up and trust female friends and I worry constantly that I don’t feel adequate to guide my 11 yr old daughter as she navigates middle school. I have no gleaming advice to give other than “you’ve got this, trust in fate”.
You will be a good girl momma- because you’re asking these questions. It’s like you’re in my head and heart- so many of the same issues and insecurities and hurts.l and relational issues BUT– we have the same God. He knows you are meant for one another. You’ll fill in the gaps of each other. You and your kids and Jeremy. My kids bring out all my insecurities and fears, but they are also the greatest (and loudest) tools He is using me to draw me close, to purify me and to hopefully show my kids a transformed life. They also amaze me- I am not super girly- one of my girls oh sparkles and princess… the other is analytical and headstrong and creative like me, and we give each other a run for the money, baby girl who knows yet, my son is talktalktalk dirt dad tractors, and princess costume wearing helper father brother… and they all run amok in the woods and dirt like nobody’s business. It’s fascinating to watch them all so different yet family, their own little tribe. Thanks for being so honest- you are definitely NOT alone in all your feelings!
Meghan G. says
Just like many of the other mamas commenting on here, our history and relationship with women sounds so familiar… you put into words a lot of the feelings and insecurities I’ve had about myself and have always pushed deep down and ignored. Thank you, THANK YOU, for putting some hard feelings into words. I had paragraphs written in response to your post, but erased them because I realized they could be summed up into this: You (we) are enough. Your daughter will be perfect for your family, and you will be perfect parents for her. Mistakes and all. You are going to grow into this girl-mama thing and you are going to be SO GOOD at it. The fact that you are thinking about all of this just shows what an amazing woman you are going to be for your girl. So happy for you guys!
You just courageously wrote up everything I have ever felt about friendships and parenting my baby girl, but couldn’t quite sum up into words. Thank you. I wish you the greatest luck on this adventure. She’s already lucky.
Hi Katie – long time blog follower and 3x boy mom. We are hoping to expand our family this summer and oh my – this. This struck me to my core. My identity is so secure in boy-mom and the community of boy-moms. I get blessed everywhere I go – grown men comment on my sons and share stories of their brothers. It wasn’t what I picked, but wow do I feel so honored. So yes, I would be feeling all those feelings, too. Prayers that as soon as she arrives, all those fears will disappear when you see her face.
Megan B says
Just wow. You are so brave and so fierce, and that little girl is so lucky to have you as her role model. And the fact that you aren’t a “typical” girl, probably means she won’t be either. And that’s totally okay! She’ll be whole person. We joke in my family that I fill the more traditional “man” roles and my husband is the more traditional “female” – he is much more sensitive and emotional and dramatic than I am. And now we have 2 little girls and I see so much of his personality in our oldest. And I’m so glad she has both of us to show her different ways to be in the world. And that there is no “right” way to be.
Also, I always saw myself as a girl mom, but I was convinced our second was a boy. And I was TERRIFIED of the thought of raising a boy (and changing boy diapers – what do you do with that thing?!). So you aren’t alone. 🙂
I could have written this myself! My boys were 5 and 7 when I found out I was expecting a girl. There were two follow-up ultrasounds and many meltdowns. I have no vision of myself with girls. Boys was all I knew (and wanted to know). I love having mama’s boys. I love sports and dinosaurs and dirt and there was no room in my heart for princesses, pink and hair bows (so I thought). There was no way I could parent a girl. Flash forward to today. Our baby girl is 2 and let me just tell you she is the glue. The boys (8 and 10 now) adore her. I swore she would never walk, talk or feed herself because her bothers were so smitten with her. Her brothers are real life superheros to her. They walk into the room and she grabs them by the hand, sits in their lap. She is the loudest cheerleader at their baseball and soccer games (which is nice… since mom is NOT allowed to cheer). I cannot imagine our family without her. She loves to play sports and dinosaurs and superheros and Legos with her brothers… in a pink tutu of course and I have to tell you, it is the cutest thing in the entire world watching the older boys play princesses with her. I can’t wait to see your boys with their little sister! It will melt your heart more than it is now… and just wait to see your husband with her. Ballgame over!
hally bell says
I think being too honest and too fun can sometimes come across like everything is great and perfect in your life. I’ve been there. It seemed the more I tried to open up and the more I shared myself with others the more they pushed me away… until one day someone told me they didn’t care for me because everything was easy for me. Unfortunately they didnt see my struggles as clearly as I felt them so they had no idea they’d given up a great loyal friend… maybe the same thing happens with you. You seem to have an amazing life, and I’m sure you really do- but those who are jealous of you fail to see that you do have struggles you deal with on a daily basis. I’m sure you have doubts, worries, and struggles but someone who only sits in judgement would fail to see that. Someone who refuses to see how hard you work for what you have, would fail to see the hard work and choose to only see the result of your labor. Fortunately for you, the honesty, fun demeanor, hard work, and loyalty are characteristics of what makes a great girl mom. I’m so excited for your little family. Keep doing you, you both are great parents! Congratulations.
Amanda @ Love & Renovations says
Oh girl, I identify with so much of this. I have always struggled to make and keep girl friends, and it’s something that has always broken my heart – I feel like I meet people and feel like we really click, but then I seem to be the only one who wants to actually continue the relationship. I often get to a point where I feel like I’m bothering other women with my attempts at friendship, and it’s so disheartening! You are not alone, so many of us know exactly how that feels – thanks for sharing your sweet heart! You’re going to be an amazing girl mom BECAUSE of these struggles, not in spite of them.
I just skimmed several comments and I LOVE how we all just want to hug you. You already know all of what I’m about to say, but I’m going to write it anyway. You will figure it all out! You will be wonderful, you will have bad days, you will need to walk out of the room when she rolls her eyes at you, you will be humbled, you will succeed. You will be you and THAT IS ENOUGH! I know that so many of us fellow moms read you and likely feel that you have what looks like a perfect life. We know it isn’t so, but the internet likes to make us all feel inadequate (hello Pinterest! 🙂 You sharing your intimate thoughts on this and so many other things just makes you so real, and I sincerely admire you. We are very different, (religion is not my thing) but I always read your words with respect and kindness and am grateful I get to follow along with your life. I totally digress!! You got this Katie. You know in the depths of your heart and soul that you do. You and your sweet “boy family” will adjust and you’ll forget what life was like without her. As always, sending you a hug and so much encouragement. XOXO
This post just confirmed to me why I think your blog is so awesome. I don’t think there is a woman in this world who hasn’t experienced what you have experienced. We all feel comfortable with what we know. Your daughter will have an amazing girl mom and will experience so much more because you bring lots of experience in also being a boy mom. We all have insecurities that stem from our growing up years. Unfortunately, they can extend to adulthood–don’t let them. Take an assessment of all you have to offer. Believe me, there are lots of women who would love to have you as a friend. Congratulations on this precious little girl. Your life will be different but it will be good. Can’t wait to hear the name. I love your naming process.
Reading about your female friendships, I totally understand. Then, you state you are an introvert at heart. I think you should have been an engineer! LOL! I am an engineer. My lasting friendships have been with other female engineers. They just get my way of thinking. They understand my love of power tools and pedicures because they are the same way. God will guide you in being the best mom to this girl. Besides, her brothers are going to completely intimidate any guy interested in her. She will blame them not you! LOL!
What a wonderful, open and honest post, but you’ve got this, Katie. Everything in your post indicates what a great mom you are going to be, whether to boys or a little girl. All any of us can do is to try to do the right thing by our children so they can be prepared for their own adventures. No manual came with our babies (I wish one did). We have three adult girls and there have been times when I didn’t feel like I did right by them, but then I hear such wonderful things from other people and see the way they are raising their children and I know we have done something right. She is one lucky little girl to have four older brothers. Very excited for all of you.
We didn’t find out with our daughter and part of me wished for a boy. A boy seemed simpler and less fraught with my complex feeling about mothers and daughters and women in general. Well it’s been two years now and the experience has made me a better person in ways I never could have expected. Not just becoming a parent, specifically mothering a little girl. I’ve healed wounds and challeneged my own self image. It’s been a beautiful experience.
I’m so happy for you and your daughter! You will make a fantastic girl mom!
Lindsey N says
I’ve been a commenting fool over here recently. But I’m giving you the biggest hug ever!!! Lots of love and grace being sent your way friend!!!
Congratulations Katie!! What a blessing! Just wanted to give you a different perspective maybe! After having all nephews and then a son first I also felt like I was meant to be a boy only mom – though I figured out with my second that was not the case! Haha. I loved having nephews and a son and all things boy! I am not super girly! But let me tell ya – you will equally love having a girl! It’s not all drama and emotions and frills (at least not at my house). My girls love the outdoors, are super fearless, athletic, love animals and bugs, and mostly their daddy haha. But we get to paint nails and watch Disney princess movies too! 😉 Plus they drip with sweetness. Anyways – it’s a lot different than people told me it would be and I’ve really equally enjoyed raising my boy and my girls! I’m so happy for you guys!
I can relate to so much you shared here. Thank you for being so open with us ❤️❤️
Elizabeth Collier says
Wow! So many feelings and emotions you never know you are going to have just based off of gender of your baby. When I was pregnant I for sure thought I was having a boy. I was actually excited about it and then the ultrasound tech said girl! I was shocked. It seemed so foreign! I felt all the feeling you just expressed and shared so many of the same experiences. It’s like God knows we can’t just gloss over what we know and what we are familiar with, he wants us to experience and have our fears and unknowns set on the table to be morphed into who he wants us to be. That little girl Will change you in such big ways! She will bring a new Joy to you and your boyfriends lives you never thought existed! I’m excited for you guys on this new journey 🙂
I cried a lot during this post. It speaks to me, but me now, as a mom to an almost 3 year old girl. I have never had close girlfriends. The ones I could call at a moments notice, shop with, have coffee with or just hang out with. Our wedding was severly out numbered with my 4 to my husbands 7, seriously. I had always accepted that fact and kind of felt proud of it. I loved being a boy mom (22months apart and only a boy mom for 6 years) but I had always wanted a little girl. I would have loved a third boy just as much but a small part of me always hoped for a girl of my own. I fell into it hard. Not too girly clothes or room but man did I love having purple in my house, and bows on her head all the time. Loved it. However, this past 6month has been hard. She’ll start school in the spring (2 day preschool but still!) and I’m so worried she will be like me. Will she make friends easily like her dad? Will she be confident enough in middle school to not be taken advantage of, by both the snotty girls and the semi abusive boys? Will she be confident enough in high school to believe that she is amazing? Will I be able to teach her that she is amazing? Will I succeed in raising a brave, strong and confident young woman. Someone unlike me but also so much like me? I have so many issues that I thought I was ok with, and then she came along, and became a little person and everything just came crashinng around me. It’s so hard, and different from my boys. When I was pregnant with her, my sister through me a shower and at the shower everyone filled out a questionnaire that she had asked my husband to fill out first, and we compared answers. Some were the normals “who will she look like?” and “will she say mommy or daddy first?” but the last one was “what do you hope she will learn?” That last one, he had written “That she has the self confidence to know how loved, wanted and cared for she is. That she believes in herself at all times and is strong enough to stand on her own two feet, no matter what.” And I lost it at the shower, just like I did now. That is my wish and hope for her and it scares me every single day. But, I think that’s parenting right? Boy, girl, old, young, it never ends. It’s hard, and scary and stressful, and amazing and beautiful all at the same time. (and I feel like this is a terrible ramble, forgive me. <3)
Mary Clerkin Allard says
Oh Katie, thank you for sharing your heart with us yet again.
I’m in my third trimester with our second boy and even though I’ve know this little guy was a boy for 14 weeks now, I still struggle with it. Even though I wanted a boy, but was SURE to my core this child was a girl. Everyone in our life was betting the same way, people were telling me they had dreams about her. I had her name, I had her nursery, I felt like I knew her personality and could already see how things would be for her with her big brother. So imagine my shock when our blood test came back two days before Christmas saying BOY. I was half expecting the ultrasound to reveal that somehow the blood test got it wrong, but nope. This little bear is all boy.
We still don’t have his full name, I don’t know what to do for a nursery and I don’t feel like I know this little miracle inside of me at all. I’m not buying anything cause our boys will be in the same sizes at the same seasons so we don’t need much, and the whole experience alienates me from the pregnancy and scares me.
I am thrilled to be adding to our family (we also want 4-6, even though this has been a miserable scary pregnancy), and I love the idea of our son having a brother, but it just didn’t fit the picture in my mind of the child I am carrying.
And people have been so quick to label me a “boy mom”. Boys are great. Boy moms are great. But that wasn’t my mental picture either. So that’s hard. I’m not opposed to being a boy mom, it just didn’t feel like it fit my identify for myself as a mother.
Expectations. Phew. tricky business. Identity – even trickier.
I’m so grateful for this little boy joining our family, and I too believe I’m getting exactly the child my family needed, but that doesn’t mean the feelings are any less real or scary or hard.
I applaud you for allowing yourself the full range of your feelings and respect you so much for opening up on your blog about it. I believe in my heart once our babies arrive we’ll feel the grace and comfort of the certainty that we got the exact right child for our families, and until then, may the accessories be with you!
I love how brutally honest you are. I’m a mom of 2…going on 3. One of each and a girl on the way and those same fears and insecurities have always been there for me with all my kids. I always question if I can be good enough for them and if I am doing things right as a mom. Every day.
And I get scared having another girl because I don’t want my first born to not feel special. It is all so normal to feel yet you hate yourself for feeling it.
You’re going to be great at being a mom to a girl and there will be days you question yourself along the way but keep guiding her the best way you know how
Your words sum up the feelings of all mothers who want to be the best we can be. My children are in their 30’s and not a day goes by that I want to protect them from hurt. I want to ensure that their lives are full of happiness, laughter and love! Your love will always help the hurt…not take it away but help to keep our children strong, no matter the sex or age of our children! Enjoy the new life you are bringing into this world…stay true to yourself and she will be amazing.
I too have been rejected by many a girl in my life. Sounds like you have a few good girl friends and that’s all you need. I have six girls and I think I would flip if I was having a boy. We totally would have to be friends if I lived close.
Jen Powell says
Katie, you and your family are going to be just fine. What you have gone through is now your testimony to God’s grace and love. God knows your heart and maybe this is the way to push through those difficult times and put them behind you! You are blessed and strong. You are suppose to be this little girl’s mama. One day she will look at these words and cry because she is so loved! We support you in every way. Blessings from California!
I have three boys and when I think about having another baby I always imagine it will be a boy. And the thought of having a girl has stirred up so many of those same feelings in me! I hope you know you’re not alone and I hope Jesus brings sweet healing and redemption through your relationship with your daughter. You’re gonna be great!
This post proves what we all, already know. You are a wonderful Mom and will be a WONDERFUL Mom to your sweet girl. Your home houses such love and adding another sweet little soul will only add to that love. I have two girls and am constantly wondering similar things to what you mentioned. But at the end of the day, I’m in awe about how amazing my girls are despite my insecurities and worries. I’m in awe that God would choose me to watch over and raise such amazing spirits, so I’m going to do my best. You will rock being a Mom to your girl, just like you are rocking being a Mom to you boys. Congratulations again!
Oh Katie! I love how this post is so raw. We all have fears and insecurities and I’m so thankful that our loving God is so much bigger than us. God is handpicking you to be this little girls mom. What a privilege! I can already tell you will be awesome!
P.s. You would make a great bestie! A lot of times people project their own junk onto another person and make them feel like they are the problem, when in fact it’s not even about them.
My girl is more “boy” than her brother!
And if you EVER doubt your worth please remember that God loves you more than you love yourself! Repeat it until you believe it
Read this on a break at work and boy was that a bad idea. I suddenly found myself fighting back tears while sitting at my desk. You put to words things that I have been struggling with my entire life and never had the ability to verbalize. I don’t have children yet, but being one of the only people I know who doesn’t have kids, the conversation comes up a lot and I really struggle with the idea of being a girl mom, basically, for all of the reasons you listed here. People typically look at me like I am crazy when I say that I am worried about having girls. So thank you for your braveness in posting this, I know it couldn’t have been easy. Thank you for unknowingly validating my feelings when I didn’t know I needed them to be validated. Thank you for making me feel less alone in this crazy topic. What I do know, without a shadow of a doubt, is that God does not give us anything we can’t handle, and knowing that, you’ll be an awesome girl mom. It may not be easy, but you’ll be great. And I just have to keep reminding myself of that as I approach starting to have kids as well. Much Love.
THIS is why I read your blog! You are so real! You are NOT crazy! You are expressing thoughts and fears that many of us have… just more eloquently and on a bigger platform. Thank you for your vulnerability. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you as a “boy AND girl mom!”
God gives you what you are supposed to have. Trust him. You got this!
I’ve been following your blog for years, this is the first time I’ve commented (I think?). I’m totally the same way! I’ve always had a hard time making and keeping girlfriends and have been one of the only girls in a group of mostly guy friends most of my life. I don’t have kids, but I totally worry about THIS SAME THING should I ever have a little girl!!! It was so refreshing to see I’m not the only one who thinks these things!! Thank you for your honesty!!
Katie, I was so happy to read that you were expecting a girl! I wish I personally knew you because I’d give you a big hug and tell you all will be fine. You are a wonderful mom and those beautiful boys you and Jeremy are raising will be the best big brothers. She is one lucky princess to be joining your wonderful family. God Bless!
Kim Bauer says
Yes! To all of this. Especially being the girl without girl friends and raising daughters. Been there, still there. BUT, God is gracious! God is in control! And God is giving you this perfect miracle. Yea, she’ll fight with you. You’ll be upset with her, not because she’s different from you, but (most likely) because she’s just like you. But it’s ok. Daughters are different from sons, but in a good way. She’ll be your shadow, your shopping buddy, and helper. Your relationship will change as she grows, but since you’ll raise her to know and love the Lord, I have no doubt it will be good in the end. Best of luck in the coming months. I’m praying for you and Baby Girl Bower.
Kristen Wax says
Confession – I love these posts. 🙂
But don’t all your kids have different personalities? You’re gonna do great as a “quote girl mom.” Good news is, first year all you have to be is a baby momma 😉 it’s the same needs and wants – boy or girl. Plus girl diapers are way easier to change (in my opinion) thanks for sharing your heart!!
Oh, Katie, this made me tear up because I get it. So much of what you said hit home; from the girl/girl relationships to everything involved in raising a girl these days! I’m due any day now with #2, with a 2.5 year old boy at home. We don’t know if this one is girl or boy and the thought of girl scares me. I am not good with words and couldn’t pinpoint “why” when I’ve told my husband that, but your words have helped me realize some of my fears. Thank you for helping me sort through my emotions as well. You are not alone and you ARE enough. You will do your best, with the support of your wonderful family and you will raise a wonderful woman!
De-lurking to say that this post summarizes just how i felt when anticipating my youngest, thank you for writing it! I had similar experiences with girl friendships and still don’t have a close or best girlfriend.
You got this. That’s all. You do.
I believe that maybe you are such a good “boy mom”, maybe God is giving you a little girl who will one day become an amazing boy mom herself 🙂 Thank you for sharing and your vulnerability. Congrats to your family!
Chelsea Groustra says
Oh Katie. I feel you, girl. About the mom fears and the female relationships and all of it. I hear you. And you are a brave lady for putting all that out there. I was terrified to have my girl. So terrified that I had to find out as early as possible that she WAS a girl to have that much more time to wrap my head around it all. But daughters. I frequently say my daughter (now 9) is the love of my life and the bane of my existence all wrapped into one stubborn, strong, girl-power package and I wouldn’t have it any other way. You will be great. It will be different, but you will be great. And your husband? You will see him look at his girl with new eyes and you will fall in love over and over again. Get ready for the best things yet to come, with your whole brood. Wish I could see them all in action- glad you give us this glimpse. Congrats to you all.
Girlfriend, it is TOTALLY NORMAL to feel exactly as you do, whether you’re on your second kid or your seventh. Keep working it out with God. Once she’s here, you’ll just fall into “baby mode,” and those worries will disappear. You are an awesome mom. We all have some kind of baggage from our past, and that’s exactly what God uses to shape us into who He wants us to be, to better serve Him and those He places around us. Tell Satan to HIT THE ROAD and stop whispering those lies to you, sweet girl. You’ve got God, and He’s got this. And, oh my gosh, that girl is going to have FOUR BIG BROTHERS sticking up for her – ain’t nobody gonna mess with her!
Oh girl when I was prgnant with my 2nd, after having had a boy first, everyone assumed I wanted a girl but it was a terrifying thought to me! Even with just one boy, I knew I loved being a boy mom and I just didn’t know if I could be a good girl mom. Girls are scary! I am good with boy things – but if I had a girly girl, how would I possibly know what to do? I’ve been in that exact “I can’t seem to make and keep close girlfriends and I have no idea why” period for at least 10 years and I am so jealous of women who have those friends that are like the other half to them. Anyways – I don’t know what it’s like to be a mom to a girl because my 2nd was a boy too, but I totally get it, because I had those same thoughts and fears too.
I love that you are such a champion of boys. I’m currently expecting our second child – a boy – and it’s disheartening how many people hear we’ll have two little boys and go “oh that’s too bad” or “oh a girl would have been nice, hey?”. Um, no. I’m THRILLED my son will have a little brother! But often society/people feel have a girl is funner, or easier, or more enjoyable – I have no clue why – so I adore that you speak so lovingly of all your boys’ antics and interests and you clearly enjoy momming 4 boys. And you know what? I bet you’ll be doing the same thing once you hit your stride with your little girl 🙂
I am 7 mths into being a ‘girl mom’ after having a boy my first time around. When he was handed to me I was terrified, I have a sister and I know girls! I’m not a ‘girly girl’ but I had no idea (or so I thought) what to do with a boy. Low and behold, I am figuring it out. And then when my daughter was handed to me, I felt all the same things you’re feeling. An I still feel them everyday. As you’ve said, we are given what we can handle. That little girl is so lucky to have you (and ALL her big brothers!) in her life.
I actually really love this post girl. Your honesty and raw emotion is refreshing. You are not alone! So.many.emotions. Cheers to a new adventure….your gonna rock it!
Congratulations Katie! My best friend, just like you, had 4 boys in a row and then had a girl! She had them all about 2 years a part and prepped herself with ALL the pink dresses and pink room. Long story short, she turned into such a tom boy she can’t stand dresses or curling her hair. Ha! All my best to you and your sweet family!
Another beautiful post that spoke right to my heart. I have and still do feel almost everything you spoke of. I have two boys and my third and last child is my 2 year old daughter. She is perfection! But oh so much more challenging to me then my sons in so many ways. I am terrified of the future and the mistakes I may make but I constantly remind myself to try to push that aside and enjoy my blessings. Also the accessories are so good!!!
Beautiful post. Parenting isn’t for wimps and I believe it’s the hardest thing we’ll ever do. When I was pregnant with my 2nd, my first was 12. She’d sometimes worry what if the baby doesn’t like us/Britcoms/Italian food/books/rainy days…And I’d pray what I was taught to pray with first child, For God to make me into the very best mother for my child. None of us are one size fits all and God has so much wisdom and freely imparts it when asked and needed.
I’m so happy for you guys! You two are amazing parents and your little one will be so blessed. She’ll also have so many protective big brothers! Your quiver is truly full.
I want you to know that I am very bad at being a girl. I have two brothers and we all did sports and sports and more sports. I was never drama, never make up, I don’t understand all the tears and weird female stuff. I never had great girl friends and I was always better friends with guys. I always assumed I would have boys bc I just understand boys so much better.
NOW I HAVE FIVE DAUGHTERS!!! Lol. It’s hilarious to me. And I still don’t understand girls. Haha. Sometimes my husband and I just look at each other with wide eyes and shake our heads when they are all being drama. But I know for sure I’m a better, more godly person now bc I am continually being refined by little people that confound me. Granted, all kids further refine us, no doubt. Anyway, I totally understand. Plus, we have a back story with 7+ years of infertility so you’d think when I finally got pregnant, I wouldn’t care. Haha. Nope, I was devastated it was another girl. So you cannot be held responsible for your emotions when you’re pregnant. She’ll get here and you’ll love her and being a girl mom immediately. I promise.
We have two girls. When I was pregnant with them both, we never found out the gender, I just knew they were boys! Lol! So it was a surprise in many ways when they were born.
It is really sweet and wonderful and then it’s terrifying and worrisome too! They are the sweetest sisters and they love to wear dresses and then play in the mud – in the dresses 😉 so they aren’t too girly, yet they both have long beautiful wavy blonde hair! Just makes me swoon!
In regards to female emotions and friendships. That’s not easy and the emotions are real even when they are just toddlers! Lol! Tears, shrieks, hurt feelings, pouting, etc.
In regards to friendships – we teach both our girls that “when you have a choice, choose kindness” always. So when they have a choice on how to act or behave or help, to always choose kindness. I will not accept anything less. They are both very empathetic and I love that.
Raising girls isn’t for the weak hearted! I understand your fears. But you are a great mom and y’all will raise a kick ass girl!
Thank you for sharing. I have 2 boys and feel all-boy Mom. I love it. I love t ball, dinosaurs, construction vehicles, taking them to Bass Pro Shop…I think I’d be such an awkward girl Mom. but we are probably not going to have any more and I’ve had some people say some awful things to me which have sunk downbeat and created fear. “Oh you won’t have a best friend later.” “Oh your boys will all grow up and get married and leave you.” So on. So I’m kind of struggling with not having a daughter. My mom, who IS my best friend, has so wonderfully been reminding me that the Lord knew what He was doing when He gave you two boys. God Bless Katie. Press into Him.
Rima Philippin says
Oh, Katie, I will be your friend. 🙂 I am so excited for you to have another child, a girl!!! (I stalked your blog for those news). You are my favorite blogger, because you are talented, witty and honest. I totally understand how you feel about friendships. On first day of first grade, all girls in my class teamed up and beat me up, because I was new and they all knew each other from kindergarten. In middle school, my “best friend” stole my boyfriend, my first love. In college, my roomate spread rumors about me. I just can’t understand why women can be this mean to each other. I still don’t have a best friend, but I have 3 sisters and a wonderful mom, and that was always enough. And now I have two daughters and I have all those fears you have. But I think God had a plan and just brought more women to my life that will love me. You will be an excellent girl mom, Katie!!! 🙂
Long story short about girlfriends then and now = me too. My husbands best friends are from high school and I don’t speak to anyone from my childhood. My BFF forever from high school rejected me for reasons that I think I’ve subconsciously blocked from my mind. Literally can’t remember why but I remember the pain. Always thought something was wrong with me in general. I have a 3yr old daughter now and I worry she will have the same childhood experiences and insecurities I had. I wonder some times if my mom was the same way as me growing up or with me as a child. Your daughter will adore you and you’ll do your best. Some history repeats but we also remember the lessons we’ve learned.
I have a 3 year old daughter and I’m expecting my first son in about a month. When I found out we were having a son, I was excited and grateful, but also afraid and insecure. I always knew I’d have a daughter, and when I did, that was my identity…as a girl mom. From caring for him physically (forgive my bluntness but how the heck do you care for a peepee, etc?!), to all of the mental and emotional things that I won’t understand because I’m not a boy. I can’t relate firsthand to the way he sees the world, communicates, and the things he’ll no doubt enjoy. I can’t make sound effects! I don’t like pee on the floor (or on ME). I don’t care about sports or cars or dinosaurs. That’s not my world. I’m just saying…I felt the same as you but in reverse, which tells me that we are both right on track and perfectly normal.
Yes, girls are emotional and different. But you will learn how to deal with it and you’ll make it work. You’ll explain to her how to put others first and think of their feelings, and how to be a sweet lady. Yes, YOU can teach her those things. It will challenge you and grow you into a more beautiful, Christ-like lady yourself.
I love the Lord and I trust Him entirely, just as you do. He is going to work this out so beautifully for our families.
PS – when I need inspiration and encouragement on being a boy mom, I check out your blog. Keep sharing your world. It’s such a great encouragement to many.
Karen T. says
You are enough. We all are. XOXO
as the youngest of 4 and the only girl, girls fill a different place in the heart for both parents. Your fears are legitimate and it’ s okay. Parenting girls as I’ve been told from both pf my own parents is so different and often so much harder. But at the end of the day, none of us have been in trouble, still call on every birthday and other holiday and love each other to pieces. I was and probably still am their hardest “child”. But girls bring something to a household that softens everything in a different way. Excited for you and thinking of you. You’ll rock it. You can be both a boy mom and a girl mom!
I identified so much with how you say you don’t fit into any specific girl type etc., and I also ended up having all boys. I am starting to feel like feeling that way is normal and that no girl ever really fits into any box. I have followed your blog and the Petesik blog for so long now. I absolutely love you guys!!!
Such a sweet post. I know where you are coming from. Been there! I am not girly. I never had a lot of friends. I remember how mean girls were when I was in school. I know what the hormones are like. I had no clue if I would be a good girl mom. My daughter is now 6 and I am doing it and loving it. She has made me as better me. I still am worried about teen years and how other girls will treat her but I am just living and enjoying each day thankful for my blessing.
Dude. All I can say is that I hear you, 100%! I’m expecting a boy in June and had a verrrry similar reaction when we found out: http://returnoflight.blogspot.com/2016/12/what-it-is-and-what-its-not.html . I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but I just felt so thrown for a loop. And I still maintain that there are no good boy names left. 🙂 We’ll all be fine…right?!
We couldn’t be more different (I’m a single atheist and completely useless with anything DIY) but I love your blog and I consider you a friend even though we’ve never met. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a mom. Thank you for your honesty and congratulations on your new adventure as a boy and girl mom! ❤️
Jennifer W. says
Changing girl diapers terrified me too… it’s not as tricky as I thought! Just messier.
Jennifer W. says
PS: I’ll be your friend! I’m literally twenty minutes from a pottery barn outlet
What Wendy said.
Jamie Longson says
Sending you a great big Girl-friend hug Katie. I had the exact same feelings when I found out I was having a boy with my firstborn. I spent a good 2 months telling everyone the doctors were wrong and the baby would certainly come out as a girl. I cried a lot of terrified tears. My daughter is the most frustrating, sweet, knows exactly how to push every single one of my buttons, loving, wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. She is my mini-me in all it’s wonderful horrible greatness. <3
I just want to give you a great big hug, Katie! Soon, you’ll meet your new, forever, best friend!
This is such a beautiful post. I had all of these thoughts when I first found out I was having a girl. It’s scary raising a girl, I’m still terrified of the years to come and she’s only 2 now. When we find out we were having a boy this time I was also scared because girls are what I know now and the unknown is scary.
Rachel M says
Oh man. So many of your thoughts and fears have run through my head as well. I am a mom to a beautiful 2.5 year old daughter and an 11 day old handsome son. I often worry about the days my daughter will say some of the nasty, hurtful things I said to my mom. Or wonder if there will come a day where she just really doesn’t like or love me and I know that will break my heart.
I only have sisters so parenting a son feels scary in its own way. I don’t know about boy emotions or fears.
You are not alone in your worries – though I’m not sure if that will be a comforting thought not. Just know that this postpartum mama just cried through about 50% of your thoughts and I’ll be thinking about you. Although I am pretty positive you will be a wonderful girl-mama.
You will be awesome and so will she!
When I was pregnant with my third I didn’t find out the sex because I was too scared to know. I equally wanted and didn’t want a girl got a lot of the reasons you explained. It was an exciting thought to have a whole new experience but also terrifying because it was such a heavy job. In the end I got my third boy, but I completely know what you are going through. It’s easy to get wrapped up in all the worry and insecurities, but when she is here you won’t have many of those worries left because it will just be y’all working it out as you go. Congrats again, I am very jealous of your new and exciting bundle of joy.
Oh my….I have tears on my face! Thank you for sharing and being so honest. Gender disappointment is real and can be very raw, but it’s hardly spoken about.
All my life the only thing I really knew was that I’d have girls. I felt it so strongly, I hardly gave it much thought. When my older son was born, I was thrilled but a little shocked. When I found out that my second baby would be a boy, my heart sank. Of course I went into that appointment with the standard “I just want a healthy baby” attitude, but knowing this would be my last baby I was counting on a girl. I didn’t know how much I was counting on a girl until I heard the ultrasound tech say “it’s a boy!” with a big grin on her face. I hate to admit it, but I was stunned and so, so disappointed. Thankfully my response was “oh! Brothers! They’ll be best friends!” but inside I was numb.
It got better and I could easily list 1,000 different ways that having two boys amazing, but the nag of not having a daughter will always be there and will always sting. I also assumed that maybe God didn’t think I was worthy to parent a girl because I have such awful self-image and I’d project that on her. It’s sounds so silly! But these are the thoughts that went through my head.
Anyway, thank you for sharing and I have no doubt that you will be an amazing girl-mom to this angel and that she will be one tough little cookie with 4 older brothers!
I one billion percent relate to ALL of this. I had a girl right off the bat, and I cried and cried (not because I didn’t want her or the fact she was a girl) because I couldn’t understand why God would stick my poor girl with a mom like me. I knew I was destined for a house full of rowdy boys. And I was homeschooled and awkward, rejected, in short I have the same issues. If it helps any, my sweet girl is everything I didn’t know I needed, even in ways I didn’t know were possible. She is stretching me and helping me to heal. She challenges me but in ways I need. She is helping me learn and become more of who I want to be. It’s a blessing. Hang in there, and know God has it all figured out. You will do wonderful and you will learn things about yourself through having her. And it will be magic seeing your husband with his daughter, and your boys with their baby sister.
I am a bit mom and girl mom, and they are twins. They are *completely* differently people. BUT. My daughter likes trucks and dirt and balls just as much as my son (and she likes baby dolls and tucking them in, too.)
My guess is that, in a world where, more and more, men are also valued for their appearance, you’re already teaching your sons a different way, so it will be no different with your daughter. Maybe it’s because I got mine at the same time, but I don’t find there to be a difference between being a girl mom and a boy mom….there’s just being mom. Really, you’ll be amazing some of the time, bad some of the time, and pretty darn good most of the time-just like you already are with your boys.
(As for the lady parts, just make sure the wipes are clean before you stop wiping )
“I fall in the middle of so many different personality types….I can identify with so many “girl” things…but very rarely do I fully embody any of them.”
This is exactly what terrified me when I first found out that we’re having a girl. I always pictured myself as a “boy mom” because I feel like I don’t fit nicely into any particular girl personality type. I admire your bravery for posting this, and it’s nice to hear that someone else had the same fears and anxieties. I’m feeling a lot better now, and it sounds like you are too, but there’s still a voice in the back of my head questioning how good I will be as a mom to a girl. Thank you for this post!
You got this!!!!! Someone once told me all children need is love and ya know I think it’s true. When you love a child you are sensitive to their needs and adjust accordingly. Exactly what you do for your boys, you will do for your little girl.
Also, I love that you don’t fit the mold. Be proud of that!
Kathy C. says
We think it is our job as parents to teach our children and help them grow (and it is), but sometimes the reason a child comes into our life is to teach us instead. Maybe she will be your teacher. She will definitely help you grow as a mother. I have 2 boys and a girl and I find it’s so true what people say… boys are easier, but my daughter shows me what a strong, independent girl she is every single day… and she’s only 2 Wishing you well in the days ahead!
Ever heard of blogger Rachel Balducci? She had five boys in a row and then a girl. She’s super down to earth. Maybe you could reach out to her.
I only has two boys before I got my girl, and yes it is totally different, but so much fun. God bless you and your family!!!
You are going to be a wonderful mom to your precious little girl. God gave her to you and you to her. He knows what He is doing. I am the only girl with four brothers. It’s a special thing to be the girl with all those brothers. My mom and I were the best of friends. I now have a daughter of my own and as I told her about your post I asked if I had messed her up. She replied,”Yes, but I love you!” with a mischievous smile on her beautiful 15 year old face. You got this! I don’t know you in real life, but I hear your heart. I am so excited for your new adventure. Enjoy! Relax! It’s about to get even better!
You’re a wonderful mom and role model and this little girl will be lucky to have you in her life, along with her dad and brothers. You have a beautiful family inside and out. You should be able to feel any and all emotions that come with this new addition with no fear of judgement.
I understand, I get you. So much of what you wrote I have felt. In both girl friendships and being a girl mama after being a boy mama. But I just know that you are going to absolutely rock at it because you love fiercely and that is enough to get you through. Lots of love Katie ❤
Thanks for keeping it real! It’s going to be good! God’s grace is sufficient!
Jennifer Glasgow says
You’re going to be a great girl mom because you’re a great MOM. Seriously. She will surprise you. Sometimes she will be angry with you. She will make you laugh and smile. She will melt your heart. And in a house full of boys she will be your best friend. Sometimes she’ll want to play baseball with her brothers and sometimes she’ll want to wave pom poms on the sidelines. No matter what she chooses to be you’ll be dazzled by her. And once you meet her, you’ll realize the only thing you need to worry about is how many times a day to kiss her sweet little face. And you’ll realize that girl mom isn’t so different. It’s really just MOM.
Oh, dear Katie. I had 3 boys and then came along our surprise little pinkie pie. I, too, felt waaaay out of my element, but from Day 1, I’ve had such a special bond with my little girl. There’s a very real connection that you’ll have, being the only girls in a house full of boys. It’s a love that is unique in a way, but also not. Your child is your child, regardless of gender, and of course you’ll love her just as hard and unconditionally as you love your boys. Try not to get too hung up on being a “boy mom” or a “girl mom”. You’re a great mom- plain and simple- and you just need to keep being that. It’s going to be an amazing new ride. And oh my, how those big brothers will love and protect their little sister!
Sending you hugs (from one former “boy mom” to another) 🙂
I was convinced I was having a boy with my first and when we found out the gender was a girl I had the same thoughts. I was terrified that she would hate me as a teenager because my relationship with my mom went through Hell and back. I can’t tell you enough how normal your feelings are. Spoiler: My daughter is four now and the love of my life and it hasn’t been scary at all.
Sounds like your next post about this is how you came to terms with it, so I won’t offer advice because it seems like you’re already there. Good luck with the pregnancy! Loved this post.
April Mattingly says
Oh kb…I love you!! I love that God is already using this little one to draw you back to Him. I love the vulnerability in your words. What about keeping a journal for her? Then you can look back to see all these insecurities and where God has grown you in them. I am a Mother to 9 children, 3 of whom I did not give birth to. We have 5 girls and 4 boys together. I can tell you that each of my children are uniquely different and designed in ways that allow me to see the wonderfulness of their Creator. His plans are perfect and His timing is perfect. You and Jeremy are ready for this beloved little girl. Your Father thinks so and I have to agree with Him. He’s never wrong. I am sending so much love to you, Jeremy and the boys. I have been here since Will and I do not plan on leaving you through this one. Love you sister!! ❤
I love all of the love coming out in the comments. Katie, we are all FOR you, just like God is FOR you! My 3 are nearly all grown up now, but I think all kids need the same stuff- love, grace, and more love and grace- whether they’re boys or girls. You have such a sweet, tender heart- and that’s just what ALL of your babies need from you! You’ll raise her perfectly for her, just like you’re doing with your little guys! <3
P.S. Can't wait to hear some of your girl name ideas!!
So I am a mom of 3 boys. Two were diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia within the last year. Not sure about the 3rd yet. God allows these “hard” things in our life so we rely on Him more and seek Him more. I have learned it is not that he won’t give you anything you can’t handle because he will. BUT he won’t give you anything HE can’t handle if u give it to him. Be encouraged…the Lord is drawing you closer. God Bless and congrats!
I love this. It’s perfect. Your emotional what if she just show me how thoughtful and understanding you will be with her. You don’t have to be a girly girl to be a good girl Mom. I’m far from girly, yet not really tomboyish either and I have a 9 month old little girl. And it is everything!
We thought for sure we were having a boy. Picked out names and everything. Then when ultrasound showed it was for sure a girl, I was nervous and excited because I had myself so sure I was having a boy. Hubby was the first to say he was glad we had a girl. And we named her the boy name we picked out…SPENCER. It suits her. She’s Spencer Grace. She’s wildly fun, sassy and sweet. A great mix of everything so far. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I think I’m doing okay at being a girl mom. I’m enjoying the girly clothes, but love mixing it up with some gender neutral or boyish pieces. I want her to identify as who she is, not by a colour deemed for girls or boys. Her toys and clothes are whatever tickles our fancy. And I love it. I’m rolling with it. I try not to think too far ahead and enjoy right now.
You’ll be a great girl mom because you’re already an amazing Mom. ❤
Beth H. says
As the mom of three boys and a girl, a fellow introvert and general over analyser, you can do this! Remember God is gracious, trust Him. I know you’re going to knock it out of the park. (sorry, couldn’t help the baseball pun. I know your house is like mine and we are currently all things baseball!)
I am a mom to 4 girls similarly spaced to your boys. Thanks for sharing your heart with us! I definitely identified with some of what you said. Have you ever read that book Surprised by Motherhood? It’s awesome and she has so so many similarities to what you wrote about (her third child ended up being a girl). You should check it out- I loved it!
Oh K, I’m not sure how you did it, but you revealed so much of my own heart in this journaling….without the sister/mom part bc well I have three brothers and no relationship with my mom. Thank you for putting these words out there. It was balm to my soul to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with ALL these things. Love you.
The fact that you are thinking of these things and struggling through the fears of girl-parenting makes you the most beautiful and wonderful mother a child could ever need. To have the insight and strength to face your fears and then challenge yourself to be ‘better’ and want the best for her, you’ve already proven that your love for your daughter will stand the test of time. I only have one kiddo (boy) right now, so I don’t pretend to know your exact feelings, but I will say that I think recognizing your worries and finding the strength to “sit with them” is a norm of parenting. Being a mom has really shifted my view of life in general. It’s such a challenging balance to want to shield our babies from the worst and be the one to provide everything they need, yet also want them to experience the ups and downs of life because that’s what makes them human. Lots of love and support coming your way as you navigate a new role in motherhood!
Be proud of being a “guy-girl” Katie! Just like you, I haven’t had many girl friends through life, but I am going to take a hunch that you DID have a lot of guy friends. “Brother-from-another-mother” friends that would do most anything for you. And I bet the girlfriends you relate closest with are “guy-girls” too. Low maintenance, doesn’t get caught up in the minutia, loyal women. Just like your personality test, we are few but we all relate.
I have a hunch that your sweet, darling little girl, with four big brothers to look up to and follow their lead and become best friends with, has a strong likelihood down the “guy-girl” track too. And if so, you don’t have to fret or fear.
Two words … Tom Boy. When I daughter was born I was scared. I did not know how to do hair, make bows, nothing. At 2 my girl was saying ‘no pink’, no purple’, ‘no bows’ and referred her brother’s hand me downs. Her best friends were boys most of her life. She played basketball, softball and lacrosse in high school and basketball in college. To say she is competative is an understatement. She is now a beautiful 27 year old who still plays softball 3 nights a week. She can dress up when she needs to but would still wear her brothers hand me downs if she could. She is happy and healthy and I would not trade her for the world. God knew I could not handle a girly girl and gave me the girl of my dreams. You will be fine.
Good for you for putting this out there. I’m sure all your feelings are normal for many people. Seeing how you’ve raised 4 boys so far, I’m sure raising a girl will come just as natural. Do your best; that’s all you can do and it’ll be just fine! I’m excited to watch this next part of your story.
P.s… you’ll still go to Heaven, even if you have a girl in the mix. If anything, you’ll get a pass to the front of the line! 🙂
Robin Hiscott says
I had 3. Boy girl boy! They are the 3 most different siblings ever! But I love each and you will too! They are my life and I cherish them. I wanted a bigger family but my husband did not. I think you will rock it perfectly!!! You are a great Momma now and you will be a great Momma to her! I bet she wears pink and follows her brother’s in everything! ❤ blessings to you all!
Love your genuineness. When I heard that my second baby was a boy…I cried. Literally, lying on the ultrasound table crying. Couldn’t stop, with my husband next to me who was clearly embarrassed because of my reaction. I have a daughter, and when I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd…I had this picture in my head of my two daughters. Like you, I had planned out so many things…the clothes I’d get back out, the room, the relationship that my two daughters would have. It’s funny how we get these visions and when they don’t come true…we are left shocked. Needless to say..that son of mine is incredible. I’m crying right now just thinking about how much I love him, and how I could have ever felt dissapointed when I heard he was a boy. God gives us what we need, not what we want. Always.
Your girl insecurities are so normal..I think. I’m kinda like you in that I don’t get a connection with a ton of other girls. I think because you are so in touch with what’s important for girls and women..you will be an amazing girl mom!
I’m expecting my 3rd and find out the gender tomorrow. I’ve tried my best to not create any visions of this baby being one or the other. I’m excited with no expectations!
Katie, that girl is going to rock your world!!! You worry about what you will teach her. That’s funny. She’s going to teach you and she’s going to be an awesome teacher! Just listen! I’m about to talk to my 12 year old girl about sex. I secretly want to video the conversation because I think it will be both hysterical and horrifying st the same time. Pray for me!
I just wanted to encourage you – you will figure it all out and it’ll be amazing. I used to think that I wanted to be a mom to a brood of boys, and I think that would have been amazing, but that’s not what God gave me. My husband and I decided before we every got engaged that we wanted to start our family with adoption, and he was adamant about having girls, so we opted for a girl. I worried about so many of the things that you mentioned, but it works out. We now also have a son through birth, and the one thing I can say for sure, is having both is an amazing gift. The best part for me is seeing how my daughter has brought out different things in my husband, and the relationship that they have, and how my son has brought out things in me and the relationship we have. I would have missed out on that in the special way that we have it if we’d only had one or the other. A mix is great and you’ll all be amazing!
Megan Silvers says
As a boy mom, I feel this. It seems crazy but its who I am and the uncertainty of that changing is one of the reasons we aren’t having anymore. That sounds insane, but true. Also, I’ve been following you since the pre-Will days and I remember the fear and anxiety you had when you found out you were having him. And look how amazing thag turned out! Everthing you are feeling is valid. But these struggles and battles in life are what are going to making you an amazing girl mom! Saying lots of prayers for Team Bower as this new adventure starts! So much love for you girl!
You are not alone. I’m positive that your readers (myself included of course) are so honored that you shared your story and your insecurities / nervousness. You are surrounded by God and some pretty incredible women. Any time you get nervous, lean into them. You’ve got this. And about a million strangers are excited to help . Congratulations from a mom of two girls! I don’t find them any different than boys. But a lot of people will tell you differently. Don’t listen to the noise. Listen to God and your heart (same difference) and your newest baby will thrive as well as the babes before her. I know I don’t know you but I cried over your first birthing story ( right after I had my first) and I will cry over this one. You are a great momma and will continue on with this bundle of pink. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Sarah M. says
As a boy mom (x2) who hasn’t closed the door on more children, I loved this! I can relate to these thoughts and fears on so many levels. Thank you for sharing your heart!!
Dude. I can relate to so very much of this. I have always had a hard time finding female friends and trusting other women. My husband and I struggled for years with infertility, and then once we finally conceived with the help of IUI, it was with twins. Fraternal twins. I had this sickening feeling it was two girls, and I was scared to death. I had a really hard relationship with my mom growing up, and actually, at the time we conceived, I was preparing to cut her out of my life.
And then I lost my babies to a second trimester miscarriage. I held my daughter and son in my hands and died myself. My mom held my babies in her hands and prayed over them, and became the mom I had always needed. Once I lost my first daughter, I wanted to be able to mother a daughter SO badly. I went on to have a son through IVF and love him to death…but he’s tough! We finally decided in late 2015 to try one more time, through donor egg IVF. Total last chance. We were guaranteed two healthy embryos. We transferred one embryo in early 2016, to minimize risk of multiples again (I’m already really high risk without carrying multiples), waited until 20 weeks to find out the sex of the baby (the egg donor was young so I didn’t qualify for the genetic testing)…and it was a girl. The pregnancy was scary, and she came early…but oh my goodness, I cannot describe the light and joy she brings me! She is so happy all.the.time, loves people, and her unabashed love for me lights my soul on fire. I will have to work on myself the rest of my life through counseling and whatever it takes to not turn into my mom and end up with that kind of relationship (which is still imperfect, but better since my twins died). I feel like I have no idea how to really dress her, I have zero idea how to braid hair or anything (thankfully her hair is super slow to arrive, so I have lots of time to learn!), but I love her so, so much and feel so honored to be her mama.
Thank you for writing this. I have a boy and am pregnant with a girl due in May. I have so many of the same feelings-I’m very nervous and excited at the same time.
I really appreciate this post-thank you!
Thank you for sharing this part of your heart. I could have written the entire thing. Even now with a seven year old daughter and pregnant with another baby..,. I find that I am terrified of having another girl. Like I can’t be trusted to raise two girls. Your history with girls/women is my history too. I know your heart and I feel your pain. I needed this reminder to give it over to God and just do my very best to be all that I ever needed in a mother.
Firstly congratulations. Secondly believe me there will still be the farting jokes with a little girl. I have 3 girls. Enjoy the journey and take it as it comes x
Not exactly the same emotion, but I was disappointed when I found out our second was a girl. I don’t think I came around to the idea of it until she was born. Of course now I couldn’t imagine it any other way. I’m now due with my 3rd (another girl) and have loads of fears, what ifs, and far too many thinking ahead moments that don’t apply and shouldn’t cause worry. Many of those fears you have could apply to any of your children, they’re just magnified now because parenting a girl is a bit of the “unknown”. You’re a great Mom and she’s a lucky girl to have a great big family full of love. If you pour your love into her like you do your other kids, that’s all that matters. Congrats!
Rose Stiffler says
Oh Katie! I was wondering about this exact thing for you since you shared a little bit of your fear before finding out Max’s gender. This post is so honest and raw and I admire your courage in sharing it. I pray that God guards your heart if people are not kind, but everything you shared is so human and relateable and you should feel no shame for feeling it. God will meet you right where you are. He’s enough for you and in the places where you aren’t enough for your little girl (simply because you’re human), He will be enough for her! Praying for you and Jeremy, your little men, and this little girl growing inside you.
Jessica Holmes says
‘The fact that you worry about being a good Mum means you already are’
We haven’t been in your head for a while, Katie. So raw and honest and unscripted and beautiful.
Believe in yourself, and your family, and your heart. You are enough for her. More than enough <3
Hello, new commenter but your words touched me and related to me so well☺ i raised my 3 younger brothers practically myself…so when i became pregnant with my first child, my daughter, instant terror came to mind!! I had been called heartless, impatient, cold, too practical, etc way too many times in my life and now i felt like i was just not made to love and cherish something thats emotional and sweet and sensitive. But you know what? She brought out what i had all along…my loving emotional passionate side. And the funny thing is at 3 years old she really is ALL about emotions. And its wonderful to see, and mold, and help her put those emotions on a constructive path. Now i have a 1 year old boy and pregnant with another boy and man sometimes i wish boys had the feelings and the sensitivity of a girl! So much easier to reach in that brain! All that to say, its funny how your child ends up shaping who you are, and using what you had all along. Xxx
I’ve been there, I identify with so much you just said. I also had such thoughts of failure on my part that I should have known somehow it was a girl not a boy. She’s 4 now and I couldn’t imagine anything more amazing. Also I’d be your friend, keep being awesome you.
I’ve never commented before, but all those fears of having a girl were the same ones I had about having a boy, but for different reasons.
I was so relieved when I had a girl first. I knew how to girl, because I am one. My friends are. The whole diaper change thing is easy. I feel like I’m a reasonably strong woman who cherishes her female friendships. Totally had the girl thing down. Which is great, because my baby experience before she was born (not long before Will, she’s my April fool) was zero. So having her was a completely scary unknown, but at least I was playing the cards I knew well.
Then in the second pregnancy, we got a boy. I was kind of depressed for a little while. Boys are foreign territory. I never really had male friends. I’m not close with my brother (his wife though, is great!), and my dad was a lesson in what not to be. Boys pee everywhere. I can still vividly remember the smell of my brothers room. I hate sport. Generic typical boy stuff is a mystery.
Oh my gosh. I totally got the boy that was just right for me. Adorable dimples, full of affection like his sister. Never ever ever did a pee on me or during changes. In fact, the only struggle I had with a boy baby was cleaning poop off a moving target that i was afraid I’d accident hurt when cleaning him – being girls, we don’t know how it feels! At least when you clean a girl, it all stays put…
He is almost 4 now and I couldn’t imagine if he’d been a girl.
You will get the girl that’s perfect for you. Shake the fear off, focus on being the version of yourself that you want her to either be or love and respect. Focus on the qualities of the women you most admire, and think about how you could encourage them in your daughter.
Fear is normal, but you are going to be in for a whole new wonderful experience. Because even though all these cliches exist about being a boy mum, I always look at them and see the same qualities in my daughter. She is full of love and affection and loves “boy things”, he looks amazing riding his bike with a necklace and tiara and gives me the best hugs (particularly when his tummy has filled up at dinner). She collects rocks and sticks and loves dinosaurs. He plays babies and with all the stuffed animals too. Gender is something we put on them, it’s not innate at birth.
This is going to be amazing for you, and now you get to be one of the cool parents who sees both sides 😉
I had twins for my first pregnancy. I had dreams of having 2 boys, we had names picked out. And then they told us we were having 2 girls. I was so scared. I do not have a good relationship with my sister and I feared that for my own kids. And my husband’s response was, “Now instead of worrying about one penis, we have to worry about all of the rest.” They are almost 6 now, and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. You will be ok, and it is ok to feel this way too! Lots of hugs for you!
So we’ll said. So much of this is just what I was feeling. I had four girls in a row, and then – Surprise! – a boy. It is such a change in identity and a lot to process, but it is so beautiful to see how right it all is. I know you’ll be great because you can already see the other side of this stress. I’ll pray for you. Please pray for me…#6 is coming in October.
Susan B says
Love to you…I have two boys and I felt the same kind of things. Score we found out the gender of our second! I’m glad you were able to talk some of these things out! One thing is for sure she will be loved!
Oh girl, you and I are one in the same! I identify with you so much on all this. I struggled too with friends for all my life. I think, honestly, it’s great training to be a girl mom. We’ve felt those pains and we can first hand teach our girls confidence in solidarity, that their identity isn’t in friends. I find I can help my daughter thru hurts better because I have that experience. I hope all that makes sense and helps.
I was also you in October…we found out we were having a boy after 4 1/2 years of our girl. I felt a lot of the things you did. I think it’s so normal and once she is here, those fears will fade to gray. I’m a big believer in that God gives us the exact children we are meant to have. He hand picks their personalities and needs…everything is by design. It’s so amazing.
Girls have such a unique relationship with their mamas…just wait until she tells you she wants to be a mommy just like you when she grows up. Your heart will sing and beam with pride.
Sending lots of love your way!
Amy Ebbert Hill says
A son is a son ’til he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. Little girls are God’s way of giving you a best friend forever. And don’t worry too much about how you raise her. We all become our mothers when we’re grown!
Oh how you’ve captured so much of my own thoughts, as I sit here as mom to two awesome little boys with my daughter due three days ago. I always thought I wanted a girl, but when we got pregnant and I realized how much my boy-mom world would change, I realized just how much I wanted our third to be a boy! When we found out she’s a girl, I had soooo many of the exact same thoughts and fears as you did. And as I sit here with pregnancy insomnia waiting to meet my daughter any day now, I know that the Lord has been working to ease a lot of my anxieties but they’re still there, below the surface and at times come up and really freak me out. I’m a boy mom, through and through. I do ninja kicks and play super heroes. I, too, never had solid female friendships growing up and, while I finally at the age of 30 have some amazing girlfriends, the damage has been done and my insecurities in that area are always there. Add to that a very fractured relationship with my mom, and I’m terrified that I am not going to be good enough for my baby girl. So I keep reminding myself that the good Lord knows what He’s doing and keep praying that I’ll press all the more into Him as I work through these fears and insecurities. Thanks for sharing your heart and helping me to know that I’m not alone with all these emotions!!
Katie Jacoboski says
I’ve never left a comment before…but, oh internet friend…I have three big girls – 9,7, and 6…and a 1 yr old boy. I was a girl mama, and just ‘got’ girls. I always said God didn’t give me boys because He knew I would break a boys spirit. All of our friends, people of the world assumed we were ‘going for a boy’, which offended us, and…I was really ambivalent about having a little guy. I knew I’d love him, was so excited for another baby…but a little…worried about the boyness. Then I met him. He peed on me, pretty much immediately, claiming me as his. I am SUCH A SUCKER for this little boy. We knew this was our last baby, and our only boy name shot, so he wasn’t named for a few hours after he was born. There are most definitely some differences in parenting this guy…and his sisters were so pumped to add a bit to our mix. Your boys will dote on her…there will always be someone happy to do her bidding! And she will make awesome race car sounds, too. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Can I just chime in to say that I had a similar reaction when after having a girl, I found out i was having a boy next? After the ultrasound, and after we got out to the car, I was crying! Not like, happy im-excited tears, but more like OMG WHAT IS GOING ON I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH A BOY tears! Hah. Of course now he is my little buddy and I love him like none other ( You are right, the boy mom thing is pretty great). Just hang in there as best you can and know that being a girl mom is just as great, in its own way! (Psst also I am totally not a “girly” girl either and my daughter is miss Elsa and Princess and Mermaid 24/7…. we make it work. Haha)
I feel like giving you a hug after reading this because I can relate. I swear I could of written this exact post two years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter.
Heather Morris says
You will be exactly the mom this little girl needs because it’s a slowly evolving and long journey. Follow your instincts and your heart on how to parent her, she will help guide you along the way. Once you hold your beautiful daughter you will stop overthinking it and you will face each day. Sometimes that day will be amazing and some days not so much, you will learn from the not so much days. I am not a typical girl, I love tools and build things, I like to take charge in a more masculine way, I never play the part of the girl who just not sure what to do and asks a man for help. I don’t love clothes or shopping and yet I think I am doing a pretty good job raising my two girls. You will find you comfort zone with parenting a girl I promise. Congratulations ✨
I totally understand and echo so many of your thoughts and feelings. I never thought I’d have a daughter, only sons. The ultrasound of the child who turned out to be our only child was a complete shock – a girl?! I went and bought a red velvet tiny dress to try and get my head around it. It hung in my closet and it was the last thing I saw each night before sleep and was the first thing I saw each morning when I woke up. Now, eight years later, I realize as we hit each of those worries and bumps you described we go through them together and she’s become my ally and I hers. We just go forward and figure it out together!
I get it 100%… I felt much the same way when I found out I was having a boy. I’ve never been super girly (but not a tomboy either), I’ve never been popular (and just generally have a hard time making new friends), but I was feeling pretty confident that I could raise a girl who could be herself and respect herself. I don’t have any brothers and most of my cousins are female too so I have zero experience with little boys. It’s mostly a fear of the unknown for me I think (mixed in with the general first time parent fears).
But you know what? I think we’re both going to be awesome! Personally I think the best thing a parent can do is care. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, but if you care and you try I think kids will ultimately recognize that (although maybe not consciously until they’re quite a bit older).
Katie Kimsey says
I had such a similar experience. I only have the one baby so far, but I was convinced she was going to be a boy. Everyone in my family has boys. We didn’t find out the gender beforehand, so we were in shock for several days when they announced it was a girl after birth. I had a boy name picked out, boy clothes, boy toys, boy nursery items. I was shocked and scared and confused when she was born. I didn’t know if I liked the idea of a girl. I was prepared for boy. I felt like I knew I could be a good boy mom. Cue me a few days later (right after we finally picked a name – Lily Jane), I’m in love. She’s perfect. She’s everything kind and sweet and wonderful in the world. I couldn’t breathe without her. She’s my instant best friend. She’s so sweet and spunky and sassy (which I love) and cuddly. She’s a little sour patch kid and I love her so much! She’ll be sassy one minute and poke me in the eye and laugh and then give me the best hug and kiss I’ve ever gotten! I was like you… a bit of a tomboy thinking I wasn’t ready for pink, but I have a newfound love for it because of her… and lavender. It’s like she’s opened me back up to the world of girliness and I love it. It’s like I’ve come full circle and I’m whole now. To add to that, she also likes trucks and dinosaurs and looooooves trains and that makes me really happy too!!! Being a girl mom is the best thing ever! It’s full of magic and love with a hint of spice. I’m actually scared now to have another one, because what if I don’t like having a boy? I’m now terrified to be a boy mom. I may need you to convince me if the time comes!! Congratulations on your new instant beat friend! You’ll be a fabulous girl mom!! And I’m a local Georgia girl if you need to commiserate.
Erin L says
Yes to all of the above! I have 3 boys and then our 4th (& last) is a girl. Flipped my world upside down and I was in shock when I found out I was having a girl. I was scared. I knew boys. I was a boy mom. We knew boys clothes, how to give boy haircuts, only boy names, even boy diaper changing and potty training! I told my mom (who mothered 4 girls and no boys), “what if she hates me, mom? At least with 4 girls you may have had one who hated you, but a few others who probably still loved you during that. I have one chance, one girl.” And yes, more than anything I don’t want to screw her up. To be honest, I had a hard time bonding with her after she was born and some days I still feel hints of that. My daughter is 2 now, she is sassy and tough and wears her brothers pjs and superhero shirts, but she is oh so girly. She loves getting her hair done and wearing dresses to church and sparkly shoes. My boys are softer and sweeter because of her and I’m sure she’s rougher and tougher because of them. Even though it has been over 2 years since we found out we were having a girl, I still look at her and am in awe that God gave me such a precious life to mother (as with all my kids), but it still scares me, it still makes me nervous. Your daughter will be amazing. You will be amazing. We have to be, right? I will pray for your family, Katie! New hashtag for us: #momofboysandonegirl 😉
Katie, I’ve been following your blog for years. Since before kids. Since you had just gotten married, or just thereafter. I don’t usually comment, but wanted you to know that I’m the same way about girlfriends. I always have gotten along much better with guys, and although I long for amazing and close girl relationships, I have far and few between. Unfortunately, I also have a non-existent relationship with my mom now as well (for my my family’s own well-being). However, I was blessed with two girls – after I (ridiculously) longed for, and expected all boys. I just knew I’d be a good boy mom. BUT now, with two little girls, 25m and 8m, I can say God gave me girls because he knew I’d be an amazing girl mom. And who knows, maybe we’ll be blessed with one or two more kids, and they’ll be boys, and I’ll be as insecure as you (just thinking about it tightens my chest!), but I also know that I’ll be a great mom to whatever kids I’m given. And so will you. And she’ll be such a lucky girl with all those amazing boys too. If I were closer, I’d totally be your tool loving, DIYing friend! (I’m actually a tool designer.) So if you’re ever near Baltimore, I’d love to meet up to discuss all things little kids, tools, and DIY. 🙂
Thank you so much for allowing us into your world, Katie. Sending lots of <3!!!
I will say that I follow your instagram from afar and occasionally pop into the blog to see what’s up but this, THIS, caught my attention. Thank you for being so real and raw and know that you are so not alone in feeling FEELINGS about that sweet little baby in your belly. I have a daughter and recently gave birth to a son and when we found out his sex I straight up UGLY CRIED in the car because I was so sure we were having another girl. I felt it in my soul that I was destined to be a Mama to girls only and my brain pretty much short-circuited at the reality of a little boy in my life. I know you don’t need to hear that you will be was over heels for that little girl and it will be totally normal life when she gets here. I know you know that. I just want you to know that I hear you, mama.
I see you.
Much love ❤️
Lora K. says
I don’t comment often so you probably won’t recognize my name or anything but I have been reading since Will was a baby, so I feel like I know you. I have to tell you that sharing your heart this way makes you even more relatable than you already were!
I have the same past of girl friendships that just don’t last for one reason or another and I remember many a painful conversation with my Mom that included the statement “you just can’t make people be friends with you”. I took this to heart and because of that I had a whole entourage of guy friends. 5 male roommates in college who to this day would probably bend over backwards for me.
I have 2 little boys and my male friendships prepared me so well for this! I have the SAME fears about someday possibly having a little girl. I can raise boys all day long but a girl?! I am right there with you.
I have since made a handful of amazing girl friends as well. Know that the girls you have in your life are enough. I believe that if you have too many friends you can’t truly be a good, connected friend to any of them. If you have a few soul sisters, that is gold!
You know what will make you an amazing girl Mom? All of these experiences that you just shared with us. You have been there, you have seen it all and because of that, you can do this!!
I’m glad that your heart has changed since you journaled this. You’ve got this Katie Bower! And you have so many internet friends that read your blog and and truly care about your sweet family. Sending all the love from Michigan ❤️
Linda Plumley says
I have no words of wisdom to impart – just a great big THANK YOU for your raw honesty. It made me love this blog even more. You and your amazing family will be in my prayers.
I love this because it’s so real. I had a girl first and although I had all the same thoughts as you, I was so happy, because… I’m a girl. I “get” girls. For all the sugary sweetness, I had a similar experience with girls being mean & nasty and rejecting me. So even though I hoped my daughter wouldn’t be that way, even then I’d understand. I was a tomboy and not allowed to entertain thoughts of girly pink frou frou growing up and some part of me just assumed my daughter would be the same. Wrong. She picks out the jewel-encrusted denim shorts that are barely more than underwear. She wants high heels. The ruffly, sparkly, gaudier the better. She’s 6. (I don’t wear anything like that and we don’t hang out with anyone that does or watch mainstream tv or anything. It’s literally in her DNA from my hubby’s side.) But I continue to steer her toward Christ, reminding her her heart’s more important than externals. What’s more terrifying than that? Finding out I was having a boy two years ago. A boy. I was having all your same freak outs, but about a boy. I never had a brother! Guys didn’t like me in school! How will I change his diapers? Oh no, how will I potty train him?!? I was freaking out. But then I picked a name. And about the 6 or 7th month of pregnancy, I thought… this might be okay. Then he was born and it was like and all the doubts and insecurities went away. I know you know all this… just don’t beat yourself up, cuz life has a way of happening while you’re freaking out. Maybe she’ll be in therapy someday and that’s okay. I had to be and met the most amazing, Godly woman from it. So I’m glad my childhood screwed me up!! P.S. – I just asked my daughter if she loves me even though I don’t let her wear blinged out jewel encrusted shorts and high heels and she laughed and said, “yes!”
Vica Bourque says
Such a great honest post, thanks for sharing! I have been feeling all these same things with this third baby which is a boy and my first two are girls. I was and am so scared. Plus I envisioned us being done a family complete with three little girls, I had the stuff, I had a name everything. Now we can’t seem to name this child, I am terrified of cleaning a circumcision and now it’s like do we go for 4 to even it out. And I am excited I am because everyone says “little boys love their mammas” but I’m like my girls love me. It was a change a plans and thought process I’m still coping right there with ya.
It’s also weird people’s reaction (you’ll see this soon I’m sure) when I say I’m having a boy. “Oh then you can be done” “Oh good you need one”. I”m like I love my girls I was excited for a third girl. I now actually don’t feel done, I feel anxiety over the unknown. Also, when they ask if I’m excited to FINALLY have a boy I say, my girls are really excited they wanted a boy (which is true).
Anyway I’m babbling thank you for putting into words what I was feeling. Also, the faster this baby comes the faster I know the anxiety will melt away with intense love for my new baby, just like it did with my other 2. But also he needs name!! Naming boys is proving to be hard for us.
Love to you and I’m super excited to read all about the 5th Bower. Just like one reader above said this baby is so lucky because they will have so many PEOPLE around loving them.
shar y says
This is amazing and even though I am old enough to be your mother, I still can feel the feelings. I have a son and a daughter. And, it is wonderful and awesome and heartbreaking and all of the feels through it all. But, I can tell that you will be perfect as a girl mom, too. So, just go with it. However, please don’t give her a perm! My mom did that when I was 6 and it was awful!!!!!!
Oh you will love having this girl. It is hard. Girls are not boys even if they like the same things as the boys. You will find that your little girl will be exactly like you. All your best qualities will be SO evident in her. You will LOVE IT and it will be the struggle. You will see her stubbornness is exactly like you and you’ll be so glad and also so frustrated you can’t get her to wear a matching pair of shoes cuz she wants to wear BOTH. You will see her cry at puppies and your heart will burst with excitement that she loves strongly like you. All the things you are, she will be and more. All the good qualities will be exciting and all the things you struggled with she may too, BUT, you will have the wisdom to help with those things because you too have been there. Lots of things will be hard but you will always think “that’s my girl!” And when you see how much little girl will melt daddy’s and the brothers’ hearts, it will all make sense. It will feel so right it hurts. My one girl is such a joy. I admit she is my hardest because she is exactly like me, and boys are somehow “easier” because they cling to me and I have to chase my girl to get hugs and kisses but she is herself and knows what she likes and I LOVE it. You will too. The struggles are what make us stronger, better. The best version of you. Feel these emotions. But they won’t stop the great love and joy you will feel for your baby as she grows.
Angie RS says
Aw, I’m not a hugger, but I still want to hug you. Female friendships can be hard, and some people just have crap luck until they don’t. It can take a long time to find your people, your tribe, the ones you can be yourself around. I have a good friend from college who was ghosted by her best friend from growing up (turns out she was in an abusive marriage and now they’re tentative friends again) and her best friend from college (also because of a guy, but we don’t really know what happened to her). She can get very worried if me or our other close friend from college doesn’t return a text or something because she has a lot of understandable insecurity from those two situations. I’ve always made friends easily, but I’ve also experience the sting of being replaced or rejected by someone I considered my closest friend at the moment. Really painful at the time, I can remember being at a sleepover in middle school with my best friend at the time and realizing that she clearly preferred our other friend at the party and was purposefully making a point of showing me that I was being replaced. It sucked, but she kind of sucked. It’s sad to lose friendships because those people are associated with good memories from when you were younger. I just wanted you to that I don’t think there’s something wrong with you or you don’t know how to be a girl. Being rejected sucks but you don’t have to internalize that. Those former friends probably aren’t, so why let them still make you feel badly about yourself this many years later? Girls are people, and people are complicated and flawed and hurt each other. But people are also what makes life fun and full. You got this!
Stephanie Fazio says
Beautiful post Katie. I have to tell you I relate a lot to what you’re saying. I have two kids; I had a boy first and I was so confused because I come from a family of 3 girls and my parents were divorced young so it was my mom and 3 girls. So obviously I was having a girl!! But the results showed boy and I really had to wrap my brain around it. What do I do with a boy!? But then I became a boy momma of course because boys are amazing. When I was pregnant again I knew it was going to be a boy because I had a boy already! I was a boy momma and guess what. It was a girl! What do I do with a girl!? ha! I’m not girly either and I struggle personally with many of the things you mentioned when it comes to relating to other women, but having boys already is going to be AMAZING for your little girl. My daughter is a firecracker, she has a huge personality, she’s strong, she’s girly sometimes, but most of the time she wants to dress up as Spiderman or wear her brother’s pjs. Your boys will help her develop her personality into someone strong too. Now don’t get me wrong, my daughter is WAY more challenging than my son is sometimes (SO MANY TEARS ALL THE TIME!) and even though we butt heads, I try to balance it with being with her when she needs it. It won’t be easy… and it will be different than what you’re used to, but you’ll be amazing and she’ll turn out amazing no matter what you’re feeling inside. Congrats and best wishes to you and your beautiful family.
Amanda S says
❤️❤️❤️ As a soon-to-be first time mom, I’ve always looked up to you as the ultimate mom who just mom’s so damn well. You’ve got this! And the best part is that little girl also has an ARMY of adorable Bower boys to dote on her right alongside you. Congrats! I just know this will be another amazing journey for you. ❤️❤️❤️
My 4 year old daughter (2nd to a boy) tells me almost every night that she asked God if I could be her mommy. Your little girl is doing the same thing and you will be perfect for her.
Oh Katie, you are not alone in being scared. I have two girls and a newborn baby boy, and when we found out we were having a boy, there was a lot of fear. I’m used to parenting girls, I know how to change their diapers and do their hair and play with them. A lot of my feelings of fear have dissipated, and I at least know now that I can change a baby boy’s diaper. But I do still get nervous sometimes about when he is older…will I be good at getting involved in his interests? Will I know how to foster a strong relationship with him that guides him in how to view and treat women? I share this just to say that you aren’t alone. You and I both know that God is carrying out His perfect plan in our families, and we are mere humans who sometimes falter in fear. But we will each prayerfully rely on God to show us how to parent each of our kids in a way that brings God glory.
You are very brave to confront (and share) your feelings in such an honest and raw way. A couple things:
1. Your identity isn’t in your children, you know that. It’s in God.
2. I think a lot of moms have these fears when having a daughter. I did, too. But if you focus on raising her, all that stuff melts away. I’m not going to saw they don’t rear their ugly heads once in a while, but just give yourself a pep talk and it will simmer.
3. The wiping thing?! Oh Lord! SO different! And I only had ONE boy first!
You’re going to do great.
First, I love your blog and how honest you are. I know we all deal with our own insecurities and I believe that’s just the enemy trying to cause doubt and fear in this very exciting time in your life. I am seriously soooo excited for you and your family. My oldest is a boy and when I was pregnant with my second I was convinced I was having another boy and I was excited about that but when I found out it was a girl I was just as excited but my mind had to totally shift. My daughter is now 14 months old and she is extremely sassy and parenting is very different. I don’t know if it’s because she’s a girl or if it’s because every kid is different and I’m sure you’ve experienced that with your boys. I just want to affirm and encourage you that you’re already a great mother and it doesn’t matter the gender of the child. Every child needs love and that’s something that obviously comes natural and our heavenly Father will walk with you during the moments where we don’t know what the heck we’re doing. I just know my pregnancy hormones were out of control for me and once you’re holding your sweet baby girl all the negative thoughts will melt away. You’re going to rock being a girl mom!
Big hugs to you, Katie. I hope you’re feeling more confident about everything now that you’ve had some time to adjust to the idea. I don’t have any children of my own but I remember how nervous and somewhat disappointed I was when I found out my sister was having a boy seven years ago. I come from a family of all girls and both of my sisters had had girls previously and I was afraid that I couldn’t relate to a boy, wouldn’t have the same bond I had with my nieces, wouldn’t like playing with him, wouldn’t know how to be “the fun aunt” with him. Which I know pales in comparison to being a mom with tons more worries, but my point is, that unexpected addition of a boy in an all girl family has been and continues to be one of my greatest joys. He is wild and crazy and a muddier, cuter version of me. The unfamiliar is always scary but you’ve got this, Katie! You’ve totally got this.
I only ever pictured myself of a mom to girls. Many girls. And now the second is to be here any day, and it’s a boy.
I was confused and had a lot of mixed emotions when we found out it was a he. Not a she.
Of course I’m going to love him, of course I’m going to love on this boy so hard he will have no choice but to be a Momma’s boy. But I know girls.
I know what it’s like to have a sister, and have her be your best friend and look up to her, and protect her.
I know the bond between a mom and a daughter, a love so fierce as you wish the best for your mom, and her for you.
But boy? How do I not push too hard on feminist ideals? How hard to I push his sister to be anything she wants be to overcome so much as a woman, and do the same for him?
How do I remember every time to point it down when changing his diaper?
Tracie H says
How I love your heart!! Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I pray that God will surround you with his peace, love, and comfort, in Jesus’ name. You will be an awesome girl Mama!
Katie, thanks for being so raw and sharing your heart.
Our first was unplanned (I was told it would take me years to get pregnant and I would need medical intervention, it took less than 1 month), I bought maternity clothes with my college graduation money meant to buy a “professional wardrobe!” I started my pregnancy with fear of even being a mom, and 100% sure that I would have all boys because I wasn’t “girly” and like you have struggled in the world of female friendships. I even wrote our child/son a letter when I was pregnant “knowing” I was carrying a boy child!
That unplanned, surprise baby was our daughter, and she ended up in the NICU, I didn’t get to hold her until she was 15 days old…another blimp on my bonding relationship building potential with this girl…so many, many fears.
Reading your words transported me back, oh my gosh, I could have written it 16 years ago…and guess what…
It’s been 16+ years…our beautiful daughter is 16 years old. She is amazing and I have cherished being her mother every step of the way. She is our gift from God and I can’t imagine our world without her. I was scared to raise a little girl, I was scared to raise a tween girl and I was terrified to have a teen girl…and at every step of this parenting journey God has guided us. I remember thinking God had NO IDEA what HE was doing giving me (a very young, 22, barely married, not girly girl) a girl child! And daily I thank him for the gift that she is. And not only is she a gift but her friends are also amazing! I LOVE spending the afternoon with her and her friends. Little girls are sweet and adorable and precious, and tween girls are adventurous, brave, and loving, and tween girls are passionate, and fierce, and lovely.
My one piece of advice, teach her to embrace who she is, who God has designed her to be. Girls are totally different creatures than boys (we also have an 11 year old son), but each child is uniquely them…girls might make less noises and care how they smell, but they also have a depth of emotions (not that boys don’t) that they need to learn to navigate life with. It is a tricky job to teach your daughter to not embrace 100% of her emotions and walk through life reacting from her feelings or go the other directions and stifle all of her emotions. She needs to learn to evaluate those emotions, those feelings and validate them, but make decisions based in truth and fact. Teach her to communicate with other girls/women and boys/men from a place of logic and not to embrace the drama that girls get labeled with and for some reason want to cloak themselves with. Our daughter has wonderful healthy, drama free relationships because her and her friends have embraced communication and love over drama and attention.
You will be an amazing girl mom. And because you care, because you are honest and raw and deeply desire to raise this child, this girl, to be the woman God has designed her to be, you and Jeremy and all of her big brothers will navigate this new adventure well. You have fear because you care, you want to do right by her, and by God, and because of that, you will! If you didn’t care you would just be caught up in all of the pretty accessories and your future relationship would not have occurred to you…you are already doing right by this girl child by expressing your concerns! You got this!
Enjoy the journey, Kiera
Thank you for sharing your honest feelings and issues. You will love being a girl mama and discover a whole new world of ruffles and bows- you are blessed
Thank you so much for letting us into this emotional time. I completely understand being rejected by girls and struggling to have many close friends. I totally understand being a boy mom! I only have one so far and I am a BOY MOM. I love dirt and sports. Thank you again!
Molly K. says
You will knock this out of the park! she will be different, she will be more difficult in some ways, easier in other ways. She will steal your heart and you wont look back. I promise, she’ll be your favorite girl and it will all work itself out. You’ve got this. Also… watching a girl with her Daddy, probably the best thing ever. 😉
I love everything about this post! I could have written this exact post 4 years ago. 4 years ago I was pregnant with my first and I always pictured myself as a boy mom (I love outdoors, and sports, and like you I haven’t had many great relationships with other girls), so I was shocked and scared when I found out I was having a girl… but boy things have changed. That girl’s fiery spirit has healed me in so many ways in regards to girl friendships and has taught me a lot about being a girl. She loves working in the yard and going on hikes with me, but then insists on wearing a skirt. I am not someone that has many dresses or likes getting gussied up, so it has all been new to me, but I just follow her lead in that aspect. 6 months ago I gave birth to my 2nd daughter and I’m scared all over again because now I’m going to have to deal with a sister relationship on top of mothering girls.
I’m only 4 years in (lord help me when those puberty hormones hit), but having girls has been amazing so far… something I never thought I would say.
ps. sometimes they have on ‘boy’ clothes and I think about what it’d be like if they were a boy… turns out, it really doesn’t change much.
A thought for you which goes in an entirely different direction. I’m the 4th child in my family. I have 3 older brothers. I’m now dealing with my elderly mother who is not on the positive side of health. My brothers are great BUT…… Everytime I talk to mom these days she says “I sure love my boys, but thank God everyday that he gave me you. You get me, you understand, you think of the little details that I need, things that boys just don’t think about”
I love how you are so completely unafraid to be vulnerable………….that’s what I struggle with. I think what you are feeling is so ……normal. Completely normal kiddo 🙂 When I was expecting my second child, I worried the entire pregnancy if I could love another child as much as I loved my first. I was so deeply in love with that kid………….and when my second was born, my heart just grew to include another 🙂 It was amazing. Take a deep breath kiddo, you will be, and are ENOUGH!
THIS is exactly how to describe being a mom to daughters– in 101 SELF-DOUBTING QUESTIONS!
If I had to condense all of those questions into one word of advice, it would be this: IF YOU DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES AT THEM, THEY WON’T ROLL THEIR EYES AT YOU! You can rephrase that statement in many ways, too. If you smile at them, they smile back.. If you don’t gossip . . . and so on.
Daughters love, love, love their fathers in a way that seems so unearned! We birthed them and nursed them, right?! But, they watch, watch, watch YOU. They hear, hear, hear YOU. In a nutshell, THEY ARE JUDGING. Just try your darnedest every day to give them something good to judge! Best wishes!
Love, a mom of three daughters (19, 15, and 11) 🙂
Sending love to you from Missouri! The perfect baby will arrive for your family, and that baby gives you the honor of shaping them overtime! The constant learning curve in life is so humbling as a Mom, either a Boy Mom or Girl Mom. Hugs, prayers, positive vibes, tile shopping and Target breaks will get you through, Sister!
Stephanie Austin says
Wow! Such an amazing, vulnerable post. Tears are in my eyes as I type this. I don’t have any biological children, but I do have a stepdaughter. Your fears are very rational and I think the same thing about myself. Could I be a good mother? Am I a good stepmother? I never imagined being a stepmom, but I fell in love with a wonderful man who had a daughter. That’s the way my life has worked out and I deal with the hands as they are dealt to me. I love everything you said! You’ll be just as amazing with her as you will be those sweet little men!!
Beautiful, your going to be fabulous and your daughter is lucky to be born in your family. She’s got 4 big brothers looking out for her too. I have 4 girls and 2 boys and with each of my girls I’ve felt many of these things. They are different but somehow God gives you the graces and knowledge and once you hold her in your arms it’s all clear.
“I kept girls at an arms length…” I can relate. Girls can be mean. For my journey, I found out I eventually stopped giving anyone a chance into my heart to hurt me. Until I allowed the love already in my heart to swallow me whole. God is love. Love is God. You are love, you are enough. Much love and congrats!!!
Oh, what a beautiful and honest post!! As for your experiences when you were a girl, I think it’s sometimes hard to fit in when you are sensitive and (dare I say) sorta special. 😉 When my son excelled at an activity that none of us were prepared for him to excel at, he attracted a ton of attention from people gasping, even laughing in amazement. He was about 6 at the time. And his eyes immediately filled with tears as he whispered, “Mommy I don’t want to be so special at this. I just want to be like everyone else.” Uggh! Still breaks my heart to remember it. (He’s 13 now!) Fitting in is HARD. Being YOU in a world that wants you to fit in is HARD. Raising kids well is SO HARD. Being a kid (and being a grown-up) in this world can be HARD.
I think your fears show how much you care and how incredibly thoughtful and serious you are about the job you’re doing raising amazing humans. I think your own life experiences – especially the messy, difficult ones – make you an even better mommy to all your children, boys and girl. And I believe that part of the reason you’re being given a girl is so that a lot of what you shared can be healed in your own heart. It’s time. You are so ready! And although you can’t protect any of your children from having their own heartbreaking life experiences, you (I know this!) can shepherd them through anything.
When I had my son, this quote spoke loudly to me about what an awesome and vulnerable undertaking it is to become a parent:
“Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
― Elizabeth Stone
And that’s what it still feels like to me today. I think if you were any less scared, you might be missing the whole point. Your daughter is so lucky. And I’m very excited for you and your new adventure! Untold joys are on the way. xo
Kathy Matthews says
So as the little sister or aunt of boys and the mom of a girl…here is what I know. I wasn’t a baby doll lover because I was playing with the trains, truck and balls. I did love my Barbie dolls who played with the GI men! I was a tomboy who loved it when I could beat my boys in the swimming pool race. I would fight with those boys but they would fight anybody who messed with me!! I had a couple of close friends who were girls but gravitated to the boys because that’s what I knew. God gave us a red headed girl when I was convinced I would have boys. She wasn’t the tomboy that I was but she is a sports loving fan…not to play but to watch. Don’t worry!!!! Your daughter will be loved and cherished… but she will learn so much from those boys. Girl Drama in life occurs but I was never a part of it. Just didn’t have the patience for it, i was too busy playing outside with the boys. Girls do imaginative play independently more than boys. My Mom always said that was the biggest difference she could see. So excited for you!!!
I love this post because it’s exactly how everyone feels when our plan and God’s plan don’t align. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve looked at what others would see as a blessing but my initial reaction was WTF?! I think you mentioned how it will all be okay, and it really will. You will be an amazing mom to a little girl because you aren’t just thinking about the cute dresses and bows… you are thinking about her as a teenager, college student, woman, mom. You won’t be able to protect her from everything, but that’s okay and just part of growing up. But she is blessed with the bonus of four great brothers that will protect her, guide her, and ADORE her! I kinda envy the fact that she’s going to have four sets of brother’s friends to date! Now focus on the cute frilly bows and pink things and all that comes with this new adventure!
Here are the two things that I’ve learned by having a daughter (2) after a son (6) (and I’m not a ‘normal’ girl either):
1) bring a small hair bow with you to the hospital. My hospital just uses cream colored hats and white blankets for all the babies. You never know when you are going to have a moment when you want the world to know she is a girl and if you have a small hair bow with you, you can clip it on her little hat.
2) wipe from front to back. and when she poops, after you clean it all out of her butt, take a CLEAN wipe and make sure her bits are cleaned out.
That is all you need to know for the first couple of years. Everything else will sort itself out as time goes on.
If we actually knew each other I would come over and give hugs. But then that would mean leaving my hobbit hole, and I just can’t be doing that.
Haha- sounds like my family! I have a 12 year old girl, a 10 year old girl, and a 6 year old boy. I was terrified too to have a boy but man, oh, man- that kid is freaking awesome!
Thanks for sharing this with your readers…seems like lots of people can relate! Just look at all of the virtual friendships you’ve cultivated with (mostly) women here in your little corner of the Internet. 🙂
The level of honesty and sincerity you share is so impressive, as is the strength of character, courage and heart you bring to every challenge whether it’s a DIY or something huge like parenting.
All the best to you and your lovely, growing family.
Wow. I could have written this myself. I had the same feelings when what I thought I was carrying a boy turned out to be a girl. That turned into guilt because I felt that my daughter could feel my feelings for her because she was still in my body. Don’t get me wrong I was later excited after the initial shock and now have my very own little mini me and buddy for life. But I do fear for her that she is so much like me. I find myself facing a lot of my own fears staying strong for her as I guide her along through this scary world. My hope is that she may absorb and learn from my mistakes just a bit to make her ride in life a bit smoother.
Hi Katie, I wish that we live close by and we can be best friends! Haha!!
Well I did face similar issues growing up. I got “kicked out” of a group during high school just because 1 of them felt I was trying too hard to impress guys. I had just lost my dad 6 months ago and then my best friends left me just like that. It was the darkest time of my life. They made me shift my seat in the classroom, returned to me all photos taken while we were out together but the ones that only has my face, all sorts of petty stuffs teenagers do… but I thank God my family stood by me. It took me more than 10 years after I found Christ, to truly look back and totally embrace the fact that I have completely forgiven those who hurt me so much. But inevitably, I still struggle with self esteem issues for example being rejected after a job interview or not being granted a job promotion year after year. It’s always back and forth, some days I feel confident, but other days I can feel really defeated.
Reading your post makes me realise I am not alone!! Thanks so much for sharing… means a lot to me.
Lastly, you are a great mom, boy mom or girl mom, you just be you! I am mom to a girl (few months younger than Weston) & a boy (between LJ & Max), and I’ve always been inspired by your endless energy and ideas. You play an important role in my life, you may not know, so just want you to know. 🙂 🙂
Angela Lefavour says
Just wanted to send hugs and thank you for sharing. I just had my second baby (7 weeks old) and she is the sweetest little lady. I felt soooo many of these emotions and still have these fears sometimes. It is nice to know I am not the only Mama out there feeling this way with a little girl after my son. Hopeful that my conceiousness of these fears will help me on this path.
This post brought me to tears. You are not alone. For whatever my reasons were, when I found out my second was a boy, after having a girl I got into my car and sobbed. I never told anyone because I was so ashamed. Now he is the love of my life and I am just trying to do more then the best for both of them. Thank you for being honest. It made me feel a little bit better for my initial reaction.
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS from an all girl mom on having your first little lady. I have been following you for years and am 100% certain that you will be amazing. I can relate to having difficulties with maintaining female friendships, but as I’m reading your post all I can think of is “doesn’t she know she has legions of fanGIRLS who adore her and are inspired by her?” We LOVE you for your kind heart, sense of humor and impeccable taste. This little Bower girl has hit the parent lottery! <3
As always, thank you for a raw and real post. Truth be told, I experienced similarities growing up as you and had similar feelings when we found out our long awaited rainbow baby was a girl. 20 months in, the journey is more amazing then I ever thought or dreamed it could be. You are an amazing mama (from what I can tell Internet friend), woman and wife. Feel all the feelings you are having and then love that tiny human that you grew like no tomorrow.
Love your blog and love you being vulnerable with us.
I have two boys, 7 & 5, and I’m (finally) pregnant with Baby #3 (pregnancy #5) and I relate to SO MUCH of this! It’s so funny to me how people assume I want a little girl when really what I feel about that is so much of what you describe. Someone recently told my husband, “Boys get hurt. Girls get hurt feelings.” Well, as a girl with a lot of feelings, that’s terrifying! It could go so many ways! Anyway, I just wanted to say that truly, I get it. And what I say to people is that I’m glad I don’t make the decision. I trust God’s plan for my family, like you said.
Mom of three boys, I feel every single letter you just wrote, from boys, to girls, to friends. For the record I totally put you at the cool kids table and feel like everyone is trying to be your best friend, because why wouldn’t they?
Aw Katie, you will be the best mom to that little princess:) you will be enough and you will teach her all the things. I have no doubt and I can’t wait to continue following along on this journey with you! Congrats (again) and I am looking forward to reading about how your feelings have changed and where your heart lies now. Thanks for being so open and honest, I always appreciate posts like this one. You da best!! Lol
Mary Ann says
I’m sure a hundred other women have already said this, but I always think when I read your posted that you are the type of woman I want to be friends with. My imaginary bff I try not to stalk. Being a girl mom is scary. I remember finding out I was pregnant with my first daughter. I was terrified and, on some level, a little disappointed to not be having another son. I am all the time scared I might be screwing up my kids because if my own shortcomings and flaws. That’s why I am all the time, no matter the situation or what is going on in our relationships, saying loud and clear that I love them all the time – no matter what. You are such an amazing example in so many respects (knowing that no one is perfect), that I have no doubt your daughter is blessed to have you for her mom.
Anna Morton says
I love this. I have a son and a daughter, and when we found out our second was a girl I found even that to be an adjustment. Nevermind that they’ll both go through puberty at the same time, but I had a lot of the same feelings you do. I just pray that I can use the struggles I’ve had in my life to help her through her own, and hopefully help her avoid some along the way.
April wheeler says
My mother was the 5th child. Four older brothers. Her protectors. Baby girl will be amazing. The boys will be amazing. Your husband will be amazing. And especially you will be amazing. Congratulations on the new Baby!
Kudos to you for your honesty! Brutal honesty is scary and leaves you in such a vulnerable place. I’m glad you feel differently now, but I understand the fear. We all carry a lot of baggage with us into parenthood and it is tricky to navigate through. I know it is for me, at least. Glad to know I’m not alone! I have 2 little girls…and a lot of the same fears. Girls can be mean, and I am terrified that other girls won’t be kind to my girls. Or…that my girls won’t be kind. But, hopefully I’m modeling the proper behaviors for them. And I’m sure you will, too. We got this!!
Thank you for your words, thank you just so much
Not only do I think that your questions are making you their perfect mother already but you are one woman person I would love to be friend with ✨ Today I feel less different thanks to you
Everything is going to bo okay, one step at the time, trust yourself you are truly such a beautiful soul.
I hugg and kiss you the French way with all my deep affection
Love from a frenchie reader
I am a longtime reader and this is my first time commenting. Your experience with lost female friendships mirrors my own life. It resonated so deeply with me–the constant worry, fear, rejection, insecurity, wondering “is it me?” I’m not a mom but I just wanted to say I fully understand what you’re talking about as I’ve experienced the same in my life. God is, and has been, the greatest friend to me in my times of insecurity and loneliness and I know He will continue to be there for you as you navigate the world of being a girl mom. I have no doubt you will love her fiercely.
Kimberly Meeks says
Thank you for the vulnerability. As a girl mom, I imagine that I would feel the same way that you do if I were to have a boy. You have a comfort zone with your boys and that’s great! I struggled with the same thing, as did my husband. He struggled with believing that he would be good enough for our daughters. As you encourage him you will find that you are capable. As things change you will assess how you handle a situation emotionally and possibly find that you are far more able to relate to her emotional changes than you think even if she is 100% different than you. She may even bring out a personality in you that you didn’t know that you had. My first girl is so much like me with the tendency to prefer to be alone keeping all but those closest to her at arms length, but my youngest daughter is outgoing and vivacious and loves everyone and life as much as she possibly can. She has taught me to see things differently and to step out of my comfort zone and learn to love life as much as she does. You WILL find your way. I firmly believe that. Congratulations!!!!
The fact that you are even having all these reflective thoughts and feelings means you are going to a be wonderful mom to this little girl.
Holly W. says
Solidarity fist bump, sistah. I have a 5-year-old boy, a 3-year-old boy, and 11-month-old boy/girl twins. We found out we were having twins at almost 22 weeks, and we of course wanted to know the sex, and the ultrasound tech said “Baby A is a girl!” and my first and strongest thought was “PLEASE NOT TWO GIRLS.” I have had very similar problems with girl friendships. Guys? no problem. Girls? leave me in the dust. Get offended over something I did, or didn’t do. I had a best friend of 10 years dump me when she found out I was having twins – has almost not spoken to me since, no matter how many times I reached out. And mostly, I think, what the??? And…how do I raise a girl NOT to do that? To be strong and secure and not concerned about “pretty” or “what they want”? But how do I also give her compassion, empathy, and kindness? What if she wants to wear hot pink all the time?? (shudders). What if she enjoys shopping (guh…), or starts trying to wear lipstick every day when she turns 12??!
I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. But I’m muddling through with you!
Louisa T. says
I know this will get buried behind a great many helpful comments. Here’s just a little of my story. My mom died when I was 8 years old. I married a wonderful man whose family had one girl in two generations. I never thought I would have a daughter. And if I did, how would I know how to be a mother to a daughter? I had a stepmother but we were not her “blood” and this was driven home very emphatically a few years ago when my dad died. However, my second child was a girl, a daughter, and boy howdy was I scared. All this being said, the relationship I had, and still have, with my sweet girl (she’ll be 28 on Easter Sunday but she’s still my ‘girl’), is beyond amazing. I had no mother to turn to when things got rough. We just had to power through. We figured it all out together. Sometimes I got it wrong, but, most of the time, I got it right, that is right for us (which is so important a distinction). ,I watched her friends through the years and the relationships they had with their mothers and I knew early on, what my daughter and I had was special. As she got older, I had to tell more than one of her friends that turned to me for advice, while I was more than willing to talk, do not tell me something that I cannot share with their own mothers should I feel it was necessary (thankfully, this never happened). How did we develop this relationship? I wish I could tell you. Did she grow up with insecurities? You betcha. That’s just all part and parcel of being female. We deal with most things from an emotional place, where the guys come from an analytical place. The only surety I can give you is this….open your heart, listen more than you speak and just be there, no matter what. Katie, you already do this instinctively with your boys. It will be no different with your daughter. Girls (both little and big) will show you things about yourself you never knew were there. You will see a very different world through her eyes, one you haven’t seen with your boys. As you have already said, it’s wonderful and terrifying at the same time. Instead of seeing the things you think you can’t bring to a girl, think of all the stuff that you can. My dad taught my sister and I how to do anything a male could. Because of him, I fear nothing when it comes to remodeling. Wiring, plumbing, tearing down, and building back up. You, as her mother, will show her that she is as capable as any guy. So much of what you will teach her will be by example because of how confident (yes, you!) a woman you are. I’ve rambled on long enough. I have no doubt you will succeed in raising a strong and independent woman. You need only look in the nearest mirror to see a beautiful reflection of that.
*oh, and maybe I should warn you about fathers and their daughters. She will be very tightly wrapped around Jeremy’s little finger, have no doubt. What an amazing moment it is to see the love of your life holding their newborn daughter for the first time. All babies are special, but Daddy’s and their little girl, wow, that is a moment you will never forget.
Such a touching post! I had many of the same insecurities as well as a history full of rejections. My daughter was born a fighter, wrapped in her cord like spaghetti. When she was finally swaddled and breathing well, I felt an inner strength. I felt fierce and she remade me. We are already the mother’s our children need, the mother’s God created us to be. Your insecurities become your strengths. Congratulations
Jen Spadaro says
This post made me so sad for your heart. I feel you mama. And brava for being so vulnerable. Who does that? My two pieces of advice are- Gods streghth is made perfect in our weaknesses. And do not worry about tomorrow. Focus on today. God will give you what you need to today. You are going to do great. The fact that you are worried shows how much you care. We are all so terribly damaged. Being a woman today is hard. we have a girl, boy and girl and homeschool. My daily focus is that I show them Gods love. Am I fully allowing my children to see Jesus through me. I fail. And I don’t do the best job. But I repent, and pray and have faith he is doing a work in me and through me. He has given you this girl. He has blessed you all with her. I found it surprising how much my girls like girl stuff and my boy loves all boy stuff. They are made different. You’ll need time to adjust. But you are going to do wonderfully. And those boys…they are going to fiercely protect her. Your heart is going to explode with the joy. And she might be one of those cool girls who knows who she is, who is above all the girl emotional gossipy nonsense because of her unique upbringing in a boy family. I’m excited for you. God bless you Katie!! Xoxo
I love this post.
Courtney Lowe says
I JUST SAW THIS! <3<3<3<3<3<3 I know you're totally freaking out, but just wait, girls are lots of fun and a joy that matches no other!
Guuuuurl! 100% this! I had three nephews and thought oh yea I can do that! I can take care of boys, then I found out my first was a girl and I was shocked. As if I didn’t know it was a 50/50 chance kind of shock! God had a nice laugh that day with me. 🙂
All these insecurities and what ifs are so valid!! I actually went to therapy when I was preggo with my daughter to work through some of it. Reading about your girl friendships is like word for word my life with girl friendships. I still struggle at almost 40 but I am learning and trying my best to set an example for my girl. But she is teaching me lots about girl friendships too!
Mother daughter relationships can be complicated, but you seem to already know this and the fact that you are worried now shows how much better you will do long term!
Dear Katie! I wish that it would happen to me! I live in Sweden and I have 5 Boys and secretly I have wanted a girl each pregnancy. I know it is bad of me I should just be grateful for all my beautiful boys and of coarse I am. But I had wonderful relationships with my mother and my sister who both died young and I miss them so terribly. Is it to much to ask to have one girl!
Tiffany Wheat says
Totally identify with the friend thing. I worry the same thing will happen to my daughter. I pray not.
Heather Hollars says
Beautiful post. I had VERY similar rejection from girlfriends over the years. I have learned to cherish those few I do have as extra special. I started with girls and had the same fear when the last one was a boy I think it’s totally natural to fear that unknown. Congrats on the baby girl!!!
Oh my where do I begin? It’s like you & I are two peas in a pod! Seriously you said some things I think or have thought and all so true.
It’s late I can’t sleep found your blog…amazing by the way, so glad I found you!
We had 2 girls first then 2 boys…honestly when I got the 2 boys God gave to us I was like can I handle boys?! Haha your post made sense to me but the opposiste way.
You also hit a place in my heart about reflection, friends not being friends etc…my best friend (maid of honor in our wedding) cut me off because she said I didn’t respect her way of thinking…that break up hurt even more than any guy I ever dated!!!
Long story short thank you for being you & the life story you tell. God Bless!!!!
Katie, thank you SO much for writing about this. Your words resonated with me and spoke to fears that rest deep in my own heart. thank you for your honesty and bravery. I love that you wrote about this stuff for the rest of us, so we know we’re not alone.
Thank you for sharing and being so real and vulnerable with where you were at when you wrote this. Feeling sad and fearful emotions doesn’t make the happy ones less. Emotions are part of being human and it’s important to accept every one that we feel and I can tell from this post that you do that so well. You mentioned the saying hurt people hurt people, which is true, but if that is true than it is also true that healed people heal people and freed people free people. So as you walk the road of receiving healing in your relationships with other females know that you will be able to mother your daughter from your healing not your hurt.
You can do it. One cuddle, one chubby ankle, one soft cheek kiss at a time. Just like you made it through not knowing when you would have a second baby…and when you struggled with brest feeding? It isnt always easy, or simple, but we do it. It is what Moms do. We do our very best. When our best stinks, we need to remember to ask for help, and be willing to accept it. I have a son and twin girls–they are each so special. I adore my son, and my girls have added so much depth to my life! They are each incredibly special!
Hope this little comment feels like a reassuring hug of encouragement!!! Has been awhile since I read & am so excited for your family! Congrats to you, your bf, and your boys!
Thank you for your honesty. I thought I was the only one ;). You are so rare and precious. Much love to you and your family.