Emotional doesn’t start to describe how I feel about this place….
I know. I’ve said it a million times…but I can’t help it. I miss that house. I get overly emotional thinking about it really. I have just had such a hard time saying goodbye and then cutting the proverbial cord. Weirdly hard. And I don’t expect anyone to understand. Excuse me while I get my box of Kleenex.
Seriously though…that box built of sticks and steel is like a person for me. And I’ve been grieving these last six months at the loss. Technically speaking I think we still own the home…but that doesn’t mean that it is ours. Afterall, we don’t live there anymore. And I know that I should be happy to be in such a lovely place now. I do. I am thankful and feel blessed…but it hasn’t been home. Not like this place was.
Pretty much everytime I have a phone date with Sherry, I tell her how it hasn’t changed. At first, I thought moving our bed into the room and sleeping here would do the trick. Then Sher suggested painting to give me more a feeling of ownership…so I painted the first floor bathroom. But it didn’t make that room mine…now it’s just someone else’s prettier loo. Then I tried again with the dining room…same result…still not my home. just a house.
That’s probably why I kinda dreaded it when I found out that a recent ebay purchase was accidentally sent to our old address. Although I had met the new family, I was worried that they didn’t appreciate our first home. that they would let it go to pot. That it was nothing special to them. Is it weird that I am tearing up typing this?
I just simply remember the good. The lovely. The day that these mirrors fell off the wall while Jeremy & I slept – scaring us enough to hunch behind our door with a baseball bat for a solid forty five minutes.
I remember the light in the dressing room being one of the first things I ever blogged about. And painting the walls that shade of pink thinking that one day we would have a little girl…
And how I first ventured into the world of upholstery with those green chairs and literally almost died.
I remember finishing up this guest room just in the nick of time to be on the Nate Berkus Show.
And how Will took his first steps from the tan chair in the den to land in my waiting arms 🙂
I remember ripping out the old cabinets, staining the new ones, laying the floor, and installing that backsplash one tile at a time….and the nights of Taco Bell with Jeremy on that floor even before we were married.
I remember it all. And they are like sugar on my mind. So this past week, I called D (let’s just call her that to be easy) to pick up all the old packages. And it went a little something like this…
I walked over the threshold…the same one Jeremy carried me over on our wedding night…to see a rack we installed full of bookbags with a cute bench underneath…and I knew. I just knew. It was good. This was just as sweet. Different and sweet.
The living room looks different – but comfortable for the family of six that lives there.
I loved how D wasn’t scared to make this room her own with those mix-n-match window dressings. She watches a friend’s baby some days and that big faux bois rug is perfect for playtime. Plus, it’s so chic that I almost stole it…I even considered it for a second but figured that it probably wouldn’t fit in my bag. And if she saw me, I would have to say oh this? this wasn’t one of the packages that you were holding for me? and then I’d pause awkwardly as I unrolled it mumbling explitives under my breath.
And beyond the living room was the den – outfitted just lovely. I was so proud that D created space that had similar bones to what I remembered doing there but with her own twist.
One of the most exciting things to see was a desk in the den. I know…some folks probably don’t think this is very thrilling but to me it was. Here’s why – it means that they care. They care about what their kids are looking at online. They care about spending time together in the same room. It speaks volumes about what is more important than making a room perfect looking – that a home is about family.
The kitchen still looked stunning. I was excited to see that D had even purchased the same chairs from Ikea for the bar 🙂
Almost as excited as I was to see cookies…yup. D is amazing. ‘Nough said.
Now for one of my favorite rooms…the dining room. I heart that table. I never would have dreamed a table that large would fit in that room…but D made it work.
And believe it or not, she got a curio cabinet for free (sound familiar?) and painted it to go in the corner. She even followed my steps…talk about being flattered!
But my favorite rooms in the house were these two.
The first was the boys room. Because I can see boys being themselves in here. They are sports fans…they are imperfect…they are fun and themselves and full of life.
And my other favorite room was the former dressing room which is now D’s daughters bedroom. This was what it was always meant to be. This was what this room was supposed to hold.
And as I squeezed the trigger on my camera to capture this little girls happy little room, I realized something I had forgotten. Our time in any place is temporary. Our time here on earth is short and sometimes sweet. And our homes are the places we share with the ones we love. I forgot that ever famous saying….This Too Shall Pass.
And while we were wandering the house, contemplating grand-theft-rug and eating chocolate cookies and completely forgetting why we were there in the first place, I saw Will. And you know what? He didn’t know it. He didn’t know the house. He didn’t know the rooms or where to go or, well, anything.
Later that night I realized that our new house…the one with the dirty wood floors and the weird gold fixtures and the bare walls, that house was Will’s home. It’s the only home he knows.
And I want to be home where he is. I want to my home to be with the ones I love. And so I made up my mind. And now I am on Mission Home Making…I will make this bruised whale my own…just like I did with the old house. I will hang things on the walls. I will create spaces for my family. I will make this home.
I owe all this closure to D. I am so thankful for her. The fact she was excited to make my baby, her baby…even if it is just a house. That she made me feel welcome. That she appreciated and deserved this kind of home. And that she was a good mom, with good kids, who did it with them as her most important priority on a tight budget in less than 6 months. That was simply an answer to prayer. I am glad she is there…I am glad that this home is now theirs. And I am glad to say goodbye.
p.s. Whew – so much emotionally stuff makes me a little coo-coo…so go watch this video to get a detox.